So I ‘fessed up to friend guy
… when I was really drunk. It looks like he has been screwed over more than a few times by many girls. I kind of just did the yes-I-was-into-you-deal. I’m not sure what he thought but he didn’t admit that he ever looked at me romantically. I told him I wanted it to stop being awkward. Fuck, I don’t want to recount the entire conversation but here is what I got out of it…
1. I’m an idiot
2. I need to drink less
3. Mostly because I can’t remember what I said
4. He was sober and he remembers everything
5. He was extremely defensive and didn’t want to take any of the advice I tried to give him
5. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with seeing his face
The next day I tried to make it as unawkward as possible but I haven’t seen him for a week so… yeah.
I told him 10% of me still likes him which he is going to think is about 90% (he looks into stuff too much).
I just don’t know why I can’t kill off that part of me that actually cares. It would be so much easier if I could just be objective and help him out without having my own feelings jumbled into it.
Been to Vegas twice…
…and haven’t lost it. I guess third time’s the charm, right?
Can’t wait till July.
The gay dream
So I haven’t talked about friend-guy in a while.
He has pushed me away. I don’t know whether to blame him or myself but it’s easier to blame him because I’m not sure he ever fully cared in the first place. He has taken to not replying to my text message which he never ever does so I think he hates me. I’ve been telling myself over the past three months that I don’t care- it doesn’t matter to me what he thinks. I’m over it.But at the same time, I want to see him. I’m so upset that he doesn’t call me and ask me to hang out when he does that for my other girl friends. I’m incredibly pissed at his character flaws which I know are plentiful and I can’t stop being angry at him. I’m mad that we don’t flirt or talk like we used to. I’m mad that when we’re in a group and we used to spend all night talking, now we barely say a sentence to each other. I’m mad that things turned out like this when I used to be such good friends with him.
I’m so confused too because I’m not sure whether he stopped wanting to talk to me because I played him or because he doesn’t like my personality. But then did I ever mean anything like that to him in the first place? I am upset. I’ve told myself that I’m angry because he’s neglecting me as a friend.
But yesterday, I had a dream. In the dream… my friend S was talking to someone who was making fun of friend-guy. She eventually burst out on him and said something to the likes of “friend-guy was seeing this guy for a long time and he even went on a trip with him but eventually broke it off” and by that she essentially told everyone that he was gay. When I heard this, my heart dropped. I was devastated, as in inconsolible. I was so choked that he was gay. I haven’t been that distraught in a dream ever.
And now I’m wondering if it meant anything. If I actually do like him more than I thought and I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t because I think he doesn’t like me. It adds up, I mean, I think about him a lot when recently I only see him once every two weeks. I don’t even know if he is worth it- so many of my friends say he’s really immature and insensitive and not worth it. I hate that this is happening to me.
I want a fresh slate.
But not even a fresh slate, I just want our relationship to go back to friendship where I don’t care at all. It’s so much better than being in a place where I’m barely his friend and he doesn’t like me (regardless of the reasons). I don’t want to feel any more.
I hate being my own worst enemy
At times, when I’m drunk and at a bar (usually). I’ll have a make out experience that is good (and doesn’t induce guilt the next morning). He’s cute, sweet and a great kisser but even in my inebriated state, when he’s kissing me, playing with my hair… I feel uncomfortable. Not because I’m making out with someone in a public place (although that does play into it), but because he’s giving me so much attention. At that moment, he’s totally into me, telling me how cute/hot/sexy I am and I feel awkward because I feel like some sort of phony. As in, undeserving of the attention.
They always ask me why I pull away so fast or I never get into it more and when evaluating myself, I figure it’s because I’m not the “type” who makes out with guys in a bar.
But is that really it? I don’t think so. Like I said before, I’m insecure and I have a lot of doubts about my own self worth. Even if he’s telling me I’m gorgeous, I refuse to believe him. It’s as if I believe that I’m either a really good fake or he’s just delusional. I’m uncomfortable because I’m unused to being showered with attention.
Even now when I know I look better, I can’t make eye contact with a guy or smile at him because I have the idea that I’m fooling myself into thinking he’s looking at me.
Even in the case that he approaches me, I feel awkward that he thinks I’m worth it and that he wants to talk to me because he likes me, not because he wants to get notes off of me or wants my friend’s number.
The thing is, I can tell myself a hundred times that I’m an awesome person and believe it but I can’t tell myself that I’m worthy of attention from a good guy. I can’t do it.
I’m nowhere ready for a boyfriend but isn’t this a huge obstacle in getting to the place where I will be?
Does anyone have any idea what I should do about this?
1. My internet connection is a mother fucking son of a bitch
2. My vacation (maybe just for the weekend but I wanted to make you jealous)
3. School
4. School
5. My internet connection
6. I’m trying to get used to my new body (i.e. shopping)
7. Trying to deal with my drug addicted friend
8. Trying to figure out who I am (I know that’s a cop out)
9. Making friends with my sister who I made up with (again)
10. My job
11. School
12. My internet connection
Anyway, today’s goal is to get caught up.
P.S. I have a new appreciation for twitter since it’s basically little snapshots of your lives so I don’t fall too behind. So, if you have it, follow me or post your user here or something.
P.P.S. So I definitely had to restart this browser 3 times in order to try to post this. FUCK. I am so P.O’d. FUCK MY LIFE.
Who are you when you’re not fat?
I have so many topics swirling around in my head so I’ve been totally procrastinating and not writing at all.
Once in a while I like to randomly surf PUA forums (“Pick-Up Artists” for all you noobs) and this is the general gist of what I’m hearing…
Average or unattractive girls are usually more defensive and cold when you approach them because they’re instantly suspicious of you. Sometimes it’s harder to pick up a 5 or a 6 than it is to score a 10.
Sounds about right. I mean, let’s get real, ladies and gents. I haven’t lost a person and a half worth of weight but I have lost enough to be noticed and in a short period of time which has given me some perspective because I actually remember being a bigger girl in September. And in September, I was suspicious. I was bitter. I was bitchy. And I wasn’t alone, apparently.
There’s this shield that 5′s and 6′s surround themselves with. They are defensive and suspicious. They look defensive and suspicious. Men look at them looking defensive and suspicious. Who is going to try to talk to someone so defensive and suspicious? It’s a self-destructive cycle.
But I couldn’t stop. When I was fatter, I was convinced that anyone who wanted to talk to me didn’t think I was attractive. When I dropped 35 pounds (almost 40 as of yesterday, folks), I was hit on by my own male friends. I was getting looks in the hallways at school. I was getting checked out. And that’s when the confidence soared and the shield started cracking.
It’s so unnecessary. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb. It’s an amazing book. I read it over the weekend and seriously, that girl is fat and bitchy. I can’t blame her for being fat and bitchy because that bitchiness is a defense mechanism. What is sadder is that everyone realizes it. If a fat girl is sitting on the stool looking unhappy, people don’t wonder why she’s unhappy. They just assume that it’s because she’s fat. And a lot of the time, the thing she is unhappy about is a direct consequence of her being fat. Anyway, that book made me fucking mad. I’ve never been as big as that girl but it pissed me off like a mother. I don’t think I’ve ever been heckled to my face because of my weight but if they ever did, I wouldn’t know what to do. I’d lose it.
Last year, I realized I was judging fat people (I think I wrote a post about it but I’m too lazy to find it). Then I decided to stop it. It’s wrong to judge people by their weight, it’s just like judging them because of their race or the quality of their clothes or anything like that. I wanted to look at a fat person and see a person. I think I had accomplished that to some extent.
But now, I want to help bigger people. There’s a girl in my class who is about 250 lbs and I go out of my way to be nice to her. I want her to realize that I look at her and see her, not her size of pants like I know everyone else does. I don’t know why I feel so insistent about it but I want it to be like that. She’s of course, really really suspicious. We plus-sized girls like to judge and size each other up and at the beginning of the year I was twenty pounds heavier than I am now. The more I shrink, the more I try to talk to her. She’s probably confused and I’m basically exploiting her for my own agenda. Because I’m a fucking hypocrite. I want to make her life better but I don’t want to be in her shoes at all. I wish I could be a totally satisfied person at 250 lbs but I know I’ll never be able to be. However, if there is anyone out there who does have that ability, I highly encourage them to give it a shot. The smaller I get, the more I realize that we need fat acceptance. What if I get fat again? What if my kids end up fat? What if someone out there is fat and it’s shitty and not fair and it could be okay.
Yes, I feel better because I’m thinner but like I’ve said before again and again… it shouldn’t have to be this way.
I was in Vegas last year and I invited a large girl to our VIP table (it was her birthday and all her friends were dancing while she was standing by herself). I introduced her to my friends and made conversation. Later on that night, one of my friends commented that the girl was really big. I agreed. She smiled at me and said “you’re so nice”.
It shouldn’t have to be that way. It shouldn’t be something that is extraordinary or as if I’m making an exception for a fat girl. If I’d invited anyone else over, it would have been cool whether they were black, white, a tranny… whatever. It was because she was fat that made this situation special.
I don’t know, guys. It’s stupid that we don’t tolerate a black person being called a nigger, a woman who has CUNT sprayed on her car, someone spitting at an old man… but if a big girl is called a whale, has PIG sprayed on her car or is spat on… it’s not a big deal. It’s rude. Sure. But it’ll be accepted because it’s almost as if big people deserve it.
There is so much hatred towards people 200+ lbs and I hate it. I’ve never been there (gotten close) but how would I feel if I was treated like a second class citizen? How would you feel?
It’s just shitty… is all I’m saying…
Get over yourself
To the asshole at The Bank who wouldn’t let me sit down for a second to do up my shoe: give me a break. Your $300 table is nothing special, it’s located in the hallway next to the bathroom so you don’t need to worry, I wouldn’t consider staying there for more than half a second anyway and that’s not only because my friends are waiting for me at an “actual” table on a dance floor with a bottle of Goose with some real men who aren’t dirty or balding. It’s mostly because I can’t stand the sight of you, your friends and the two blondes you’ve recruited who will take their chances with you to guarantee that someone will think they’re attractive before they go home to their middle-aged single substandard and lonely lifestyles. As for you and your boys, I’m glad that dropping a grand on a little corner in a club can give you the illusion that you are significant as human beings before going back to your suburban children and wives, trying to hide your closeted homosexual tendencies. To be honest, it’s okay that you felt like excluding me out of your “spot” could guarantee your place in the social hierarchy of this specific weekend in Vegas because it’s making you feel better about yourself. So just forget the fact that if you ventured outside of your bouncer-protected bubble, you could have seen me dancing on top of a table with two hotties that could give Channing Tatum a run for their money which would result in an acute case of embarrassment for treating me like a leper or being grateful that I didn’t slap your face and follow my impulses by informing you that my father could buy your soul. Not that he’d want to anyway, souls aren’t such a hot commodity these days when anyone will sell theirs for a pair of UGGs or a night with a transsexual hooker. Thanks for the offer though.
So this is the note that is written when you’re half-drunk and in Vegas at 4 AM on a Sunday morning. And then you find it a few weeks later and this is the thought process that you’re inflicted with…
1) You’re a bitch.
2) You think you’re hot shit because you lost a minuscule amount of weight.
3) For some reason, you’re starting to think you’re better than everyone else.
4) You actually are the superficial person that you’re trying not to be.
5) If you read this on someone’s blog, you would be disgusted.
6) The fact that you were so angry about such a small thing just shows you that you’re insecure and have a strong sense of self-entitlement which is something you hate in everyone else
7) After spending so much time trying to convince yourself and your friends that you aren’t a spoiled brat, you have proved that you actually are because at your most vulnerable time, you’ve used wealth to put yourself on the pedestal that you were just knocked off of.
8 ) Your lack of empathy towards the men sitting at the table undermines all of the equality bullshit you spew out to everyone all the time. Maybe they are trying to get away from their shitty lives, aren’t you doing exactly the same thing?
9) You need to control your rage, you have some serious anger management issues.
10) The swipe about transsexual hookers was offensive.
11) If you don’t stop caring so much about what people think, you are never going to be happy.
12) That defense mechanism that clicked on was uncalled for especially since those people probably forgot about you a second after you hobbled away.
13) You spend so much time arguing the inner beauty vs outer beauty agenda but when it comes down to it, you obviously care about outer appearances more because that is what part of you they insulted.
14) This all just proves that you were wrong. You aren’t outwardly beautiful in the first place but now your inner beauty has rapidly dissipated too.
15) Hypocrite.
Go visit www.talker96.com
Not because he’s funny (he does crack out the occasional amusing knock knock joke), not because he is a figure of morality and honour (he’s the president of the Devirginize the Virgin Side of Life Club), not because the posts are relevant (they really aren’t) or honest (at all), not because the layout is a work of art (since I’m not the one who made it obv), not because his comments are insightful (well, he does get a few points for the sheer amount of sexual innuendo he can fit into a hundred characters)… mostly so I won’t have to.
Really, guys, it’s called Page of Awesome, how bad could it be? I take that back. Yeah, it could be pretty bad. But here’s the kicker… it isn’t. It’s actually pretty awesome.
Not as awesome as my blog of course but pretty awesome as far as awesome blogs go.
I can’t promise like he promises that you will become awesome just by visiting but why not give it a shot? You couldn’t get any unawesomer, could you? Well… I guess unless your name is Sarah Palin or you were born in South Dakota. There isn’t much helping that but you should do it anyway. You don’t have much to lose.
P.S. I don’t take any responsibility if you encounter the irritating white page of doom
P.P.S. To anyone from South Dakota, please don’t take any offence. I was going to say Alabama but you know how those bloody neo-confederates get.
Yay, I’m not not-hot anymore!
So last weekend I was sporting a dress when a male friend turned to me and whistled…
“Wow G, you’re officially fucking hot again”
Okay, forgive the boy for not having tact but this is the guy who used to eat two fried eggs every morning and insisted that his girlfriend label them as tits with ketchup (they’re not going out any more, three guesses as to why).
I’m getting back there. My high school jeans are just a tad too tight around the butt but it won’t be too long now which is pretty much ace because I feel as if once I’m back there, I’ll be good. I used to hate my body when I was in high school because all the girls were 40 pounds lighter than me. Now they’ve all gained 30 pounds so it’s not going to take as much to feel better about myself.
I knew I lost weight but I never realized how good I looked until I went to Vegas. I figured the free admission/free drinks thing was only for girls. I was partially right, it’s only for hot girls (and it wasn’t just because I was with my hot girlfriends apparently). And then I was getting all these ballers inviting me back to their table for a cocktail.
It’s ‘kay, I get free drinks at the bar. Made of Grey Goose? Maybe not but sorry guys. I like my martinis like I like my men; dirty and cheap.
So then I came home, tried on the high school jeans and chucked out the sweatpants. I’m back, baby.
Trust me, I’ve never been skinny or even average-like. I’m always the curvy girl but as long as I’m a thinner curvy girl, I feel set. And by curvy, I still mean chunky. I’m not a 36-24-36… more like a 39-30-42 but I’m okay with it. I don’t need to be flat ass/flat abs (although it would be nice) but I’d like to take a little more off my waist and my arms.
I know I whine about physical appearances all the time and how they shouldn’t be important but there’s nothing like feeling sexy to make yourself feel better. All it takes is a new hair cut or a friend telling you you’re not unattractive.
Dark side? I won’t be able to use my weight as an excuse so now I need to learn to stop trying to run away everytime someone who looks like Jonathan Rhys Meyers tries to check me out.
That’s the tough part.
What is going on???
You know you like meet someone, like a friend, they wanna hang out with you, call once in a while.
And so you hang out sometimes, a few months pass, then later they stop asking, they don’t do that anymore. You see them asking someone else to hang out and you’re like… wow, what just happened there? Why don’t you want to hang out anymore? Do you not like me? Did something go wrong there? Did I piss you off? Do you not like my personality? Well… what am I supposed to do? Ask them? Oh hey, how come you were so persistent about hanging out and now you’ve like given up? What can I do to get it back? Can it be gotten back because I really liked you, I thought we could have been better friends? But no?
Weird.
He’s making me feel like I did something wrong and I can’t understand what?
