The End

My friends

I’ve been mulling about with different ways to find an appropriate culmination to this blog. Quite a few of us have found solace, or even salvation, in writing about our experiences online. I feel that this is a very symbolic thing. Since starting it (almost six years ago), I’ve often thought about my last post on this blog. I never would have been able to predict it. But that’s life.

I have nothing to write about anymore. But I don’t want to leave it with a simple farewell post. I want to try to help you out through what I’ve learned.

These are the things that have contributed towards me overcoming my ‘v-card problem’ as such (PS I’m not talking about the physical virginity aspect but the sociological/psychological tendency that came with it, as I’ve said time and time again, the v-card itself as a physical entity had little to do with it).

I know that some of these things have been said to you before (they’ve been said to me too and I duly ignored them at the time) and I’m going to lay out the facts and, only then, ascertain why they were so significant in the process (which is my own personal opinion so take heed).

1. Relocation – Relocation helped me open myself up to new people. I’ve been moving around a lot in the past year and, unsurprisingly, the bulk of my experiences with men took place during 2012. Does this mean you need to move too? Maybe, maybe not. But exploring different avenues is definitely a way you can simulate a similar affecr. The difference with me surrounds the fact that I had to integrate myself into new social circles… or face exclusion and self-alienation.

2. Deemphasize the virginity aspect - The guy that I connected with did not know that I was a virgin until the very last moment. Some of the other men I’ve been seeing never knew. I covered up the truth very well by simply stating that my sexual history is my own business. No one will ask you to divulge information if you say that. It is normal.
But the most important part of this element is you forgetting that you’re a virgin. Wipe it from your mind. It’s insignificant to who you are a person. Just stop thinking about it because when you do, you’re internalizing the perception of ‘weirdness’ that comes with being an older virgin. The same goes for someone who hasn’t dated in a while. Forget about it. Stop looking at men and women as binaries, you are not a repellant because you haven’t had sex (/in a while)

3. Be yourself - The moments when I wasn’t preening or reading self-help books is when I ended up meeting people. I’ve been told that I have a ‘light’ that shines when I’m talking about something I love. I’m convinced that we all do. Even if it’s a damaging light. I’m not always at my best. Sometimes I’m whiny and vindictive. It’s okay to not put on the nice-girl face 24/7. We all have our own personalities. And you will be loved, you definitely will- not just by monsters and people trying to suck your soul. I never thought that I was ever good enough to nail someone who is considered a catch but here I am. With all my neurotic tendencies and over analyzing, I’m loved by someone who is absolutely amazing and he hasn’t given up on me.
There is no perfect you. There isn’t a 10 residing inside you that will one day come out. You are the way you are. And the person you date won’t perfect either. There will never be a better day or a better time or better you where you can be yourself. Do it now.

4. Don’t look for Prince Charming – because when you do, you’re placing unrealistic expectations on yourself and them. It’s unfair on the both of you. Stop getting hung up on men even if you can only bear to. Take every relationship (not just in dating but in friendship as well) as an adventure and, even if you float off into daydreamland every once in a while, keep it realistic when you’re in real life.
This has a lot of subcomponents as well- don’t close doors in any part of your life. If a person isn’t dateable, make them a friend. We have so much to gain from more than just romantic relationships.
The guy that I’m with was a friend before anything else and he realizes that I’ll eventually have to leave him… but we’re doing what we can to make it worth it for the time being. I don’t believe in true love. Love doesn’t always need happy endings, it just needs you to make you happy for the time being.

5. Change – if you aren’t happy and you aren’t doing what you feel like you need to do, you need to change yourself. This isn’t as abstract as it sounds. I feel like a completely different person from the one who was writing in this blog in 2008. I don’t know whether it was the weight loss, the self-esteem stemming from the weight loss or just plain ol’ maturation. I’ve learned how to be happy with myself and my life by constantly telling myself that I’m very lucky with the life that I have (no matter how shit it seems). That always makes my life brighter.

I can’t really think of much else but here are a few other things that may not necessarily be applicable to you but you can keep them in mind…

Demanding respect - I don’t think this aspect helped with the problem, per se, but it definitely made my life easier. I’m lucky enough to be with a person who is, for the most part, very respectful and sensitive to my needs. My key point here is: you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You will always feel bad otherwise. Have faith in yourself and your ability to say no.

Let yourself enjoy the moment – Don’t be so strict in looking for viable outcomes. Learn how to let go of the future. I don’t think I’ll ever be a girl who can be in a relationship but now, this status hasn’t been involuntarily thrust on me. I’ve chosen it. That is very empowering. Scary but empowering. We can have our cakes and eat it too. Instead of settling for life, settle for the moment. It’s just as good but without the added baggage of being a forever thing.

So there you have it guys. I probably won’t be writing here anymore and I haven’t been accessible by email since I forgot my password a few years ago but there’s nothing here that hasn’t been said before. I hope this helps.

I wish you all good luck in your journeys. Don’t fret. It will all work out in the end. For you and me both :)

Changes

In short, something happened with someone who I’ve known for about a month but am comfortable with even though I am not attracted to him sexually.
Being in that vulnerable position with this person has caused me to develop other emotions and now I’m questioning myself as to how I feel about him.
Am I attracted to him? Do I like him? Or is he just really good at what he does?
Above all, there’s the biggest one…
Am I only doing this because I’m lonely?
The answer is indubitably in the affirmative. But it didn’t feel wrong in the slightest. I’m grateful for that. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll realize that any other encounters I’m ever involved in result in shame and the feeling of self-betrayal. I’m happy that I’m happy enough with my body to go there.
I don’t regret it but I know I’d have regretted going further.
He wants to have a relationship with me. I know I don’t feel that way about him. I’m encouraging him to keep dating the girl he’s currently casually seeing, mostly for my own peace of mind. He doesn’t know about my virginity status. I was surprised that didn’t come to light during the event but… I’ve lied to him about my sexual history.
All I know is that while I have the biological urge to be with him, I don’t actually want to be with him.
Perhaps part of it is snobbery. I know I can do better than him. I know I deserve better. To give up and give in to these confusing feelings will be counter intuitive. I’m not willing to risk my standards just to gain a little bit of sexual experience.
I deserve someone who I am attracted to and who can give as much as I give and is good in bed. To fool myself into thinking that if I nail the latter, I can compensate for it other areas is a trap- one that I see other girls fall into all the time. I’m not here to use, be used and left feeling just as incomplete as before.
I’d rather be lonely.

Strangers on a Plane

Our eyes met across the airport lounge and I was struck by their intensity. I glanced away. He was young, wearing a well fitted suit and smiling, talking to a flight attendant.
Business class, I decided. Maybe I’ll get to walk by him on my way to the cattle pen.
The back of economy. 48H, actually. As far back as one can possibly go probably.
At least it was in the aisle.
I sat down and waited. The flight had been delayed.

Frodo was on my mind. We had seen each other over the break while I was home for Christmas. Our two meetings left me confused yet again, his actions weren’t consistent: I received a favourable response after interrogating him about why he never replied to my emails but the fact that he didn’t come to any of my ‘goodbye parties’ had left me determined to close the book on him.
That is, until I was skimming through my email in that airport lounge and received an e-mail from him, asking for my UK mailing address.
What the hell do you want from me now, I glared at my phone.
My emotions were mixed. I was livid. I was happy. I felt validated.

The PA system came on, asking me to board.

Row 44, 45, 46…
I waited patiently for a family of four to settle into their seats. I looked ahead and to my utter shock, the dark-eyed stranger was sitting next to an empty aisle seat. My heart jumped. He was watching me. I approached…
and planted my bag in the seat in the row in front of him. He was 49I. Damn my luck. I smiled at him, smiled at 48I and 48J. Sat down. Heard him talking to 49H. That bitch. She had my seat.

I couldn’t sleep. 48 I and J needed to use the toilet. I stood up to let them out and waited, flipping my hair around, trying to be cute.
It worked. He complimented me on an article of my clothing.
Taking that as an invitation, I rested my arms on the back of my chair and started conversing. He lived about six hours away from my hometown but was going to Europe to revisit his roots and study for a few months. We talked about sports and school and travel and cats.
My seatmates came back. I sat down, we timidly passed comments to each other until 48I’s awkward squirming caused us to stop. I tried to sleep again but his seatmate was leaning against the back of my chair. I met him on the way back from the bathroom, requesting that he let me know when she fell asleep. He smiled.

I woke up, upright. He was squatting by my chair, tapping me.
She’s asleep, he said.
Thanks, handsome stranger.
I can’t believe we’re not sitting together, he whispered while returning to his seat.
He passed me his iphone. I put myself in.

The flight was delayed and I was beginning to think I’d miss my last leg.
I want you to miss your flight, he asserted defiantly.
We exited the plane together and he insisted on running with me to my gate.
I thought you’d be sitting next to me, he remarked. I was disappointed.
We were thwarted by an airline customer service rep who seemed hell bent on separating us.
You have ten minutes to get to your gate, she insisted, while we were lined up at the security check. She pulled at my sweater, come this way.

I hugged him. He looked away. I ran.

I received a message from him 6 hours later.
He said he hated seeing me walk away.
I replied with a light-hearted jest like I usually do.
He responded, telling me he wanted to see me, flourishing it with a foreign greeting, urging me that it needed to happen.

The situation was sickeningly similar to the one I’d been in before.
I’m infatuated with you, the Lawyer said. It sounds crazy but can’t stop thinking about you.

What a fool I’d been. What a fool I am still.

Image

Girl you know you’re lost. Lost in the thrill of it all.
– Frank Ocean

Thanks for nothing

So Frodo and I were sending emails regularly. I’d always hold myself back from replying right away- like I said, trying to avoid a Lawyer-type situation-but his messages to me were usually instantaneous… until about two weeks ago. My laptop was stolen (perfect). I had replied to his email the morning of. And there was no reply from him. Only radio silence. I’m still waiting to buy a new laptop but I’ve checked my email and… nothing. My friend reckoned he was trying to mail me something by post since she had mentioned (in a group setting) what had happened to my computer. But it’s been two weeks so there goes that idea.
Strange from a guy who was telling me my emails were making his day and that he saw a heroine in a movie that reminded him of me and that he really wanted me home for Christmas? Yes.
I don’t know why he lost interest. And especially so abruptly.
I was sad about it for maybe a week but now I’m just confused because he kind of cut it off in the middle of a quasi-conversation. Confusing.
Then again, he was always just out of my reach. Confusing. Confusing. Confusing.
I had the best conversations of my life with him.
It’s easy to forget though. When there are so many beautiful boys around.
And the boys are beautiful here. I am talking ridiculously gorgeous. So much better than back home.
Which is why this thing with Frodo is probably a good thing. I was getting too hung up on the idea of him and I knew it too! My friends are convinced that he’ll eventually email me but I’m not too sure and I wonder if that’ll make all this worse.
If only I had some sort of closure.
I can do without though. I just wish my course load wasn’t so heavy. I’d be able to actually go out and meet people- not that I haven’t already but that’s for later ;)

Trying to be someone else…

So, as I said in the previous post, Frodo emailed me back a few hours after I sent him a shout. I initially didn’t reply for a day and a half. I had to study and his e-mail was too philosophical for me to send a brief reply to. Plus, I didn’t want to try to communicate with him every day- I made that mistake with the Lawyer. I wanted Frodo to wait before emailing me so that we could talk to each other intermittently without putting too much pressure on replies. This worked for the first half of the day, he didn’t e-mail me back right away. I felt like I had a good thing going. But by tonight, I was a wreck! And it has only been 26 hours since I sent him that last email. The feelings of insecurity have come flooding back. Now I’m questioning my motives in dealing with him in that way- I’ve always been straightforward and that’s why (I think) he likes me. And here I’m trying to play games, holding out when I really did have a good reply that I could have sent right away. I should have done that, shouldn’t I?
Why am I acting so crazy right now. I hate when I get like this.

I messaged Lawyer on Saturday to ask him how he was. He replied and said he was sick of his job etc etc but then didn’t reply to my follow up message which was disheartening but I don’t even know why I care anymore or why I let him effect me in this way. I’m too vulnerable. I shouldn’t care what he thinks.
But rejection is hard. Especially since I don’t know what my friends have told him about my feelings.

I feel like I need to take some proactive steps in being happy with myself without men in the picture. I feel like I was very close to getting there but then guys started becoming interested in me and I let it go to the wind.
Everyone thinks I’m so self assured and independent but they don’t realize that I’m not like that at all. I obsess over these stupid boys who don’t mean anything in the long run. I’m still that little insecure fat girl who is begging for attention. This needs to end. I need to be happy with myself… especially now that I have this great opportunity to start my life anew. I need to proactively stop thinking about Frodo and Lawyer and make some serious strides towards being self confident. I need to know who I am before finding someone else.
God, this seems like such a big epiphany. How did I not realize it until I wrote this post? I forgot how therapeutic this blog is.

I really want you guys to watch this movie. It’s become one of my favourites. The story is about a marine who meets a quasi-nerdy hippie chick who wants love in her life but remains steadfast in her beliefs. She doesn’t change to make herself seem more attractive. He’s attracted to her spirit.

Note: It really reminds me of myself when I’m with Frodo. I used to try to impress him by being interested in the things that he was interested in. Once I gave that up and started acting like myself, he started wanting to hang out with me. Now I’m struggling with remaining true to myself when all my instincts are telling me to conform to his beliefs.
This film is so inspiring.

The Sweet Life

So, here I am, in the United Kingdom- land of tea, crumpets and the Queen.
I’ve already made a good friend and have been introduced to a some cute postgraduates. I’m also becoming increasingly interested in the guy living next door. I can hear him and his music through my wall but I’ve never seen him (despite opportunistic peeping under my door every time I hear him shuffle off). Is this intrigue normal?
As for Frodo, we hung out a few times before I left. He was messaging and emailing me frequently- he even came over to my best friend’s house to hang out with me and my crew even though he didn’t know one person there.
I was very skeptical about the whole situation (in my mind, he was just flattering his own ego by keeping in touch with me), however, my friends are all convinced that he really really likes me. I can’t believe it… but I wouldn’t believe it if it were true in any case..
Anyway, on my last night, he drove me home and walked me to my door. I thought he was going in for a kiss (maybe he was?) but I hugged him. He kissed me on the cheek, told me to come home for Christmas and left.
I haven’t heard from him since apart from random facebook ‘likes.’ It’s been six days since I’ve arrived. I’m thinking about sending him an email about a film he asked me to watch. I do think about him a lot.
I’m trying not to but I’ve had such great conversations with him about life, death, meaning and other things that I cannot forget. I can see his faults though- he’s too ambitious, too self-serving, too much of a shark.
But he can appreciate life. He knows a good thing when he sees it. He is driven. He wants to perform to his best ability because that is what gives his life meaning. I love how sure he is of himself. I love being around him.
I don’t know what to do about him. I can’t think of whether I should email him or whether I should wait for him to contact me. Either way, I’m not interested in playing games- I want to be able to talk to him even if he isn’t interested in me romantically, I have learned so so much from him and I’ve been honest with him in a way that I’ve never been to anyone. For instance, he is well aware that I’m a virgin. I blurted it out when we were drunk last year.
I don’t know how I feel about that either. I’m not sure if he remembers but how can you not?
There are men from all over the world here- but I feel myself shrinking every time one matches my gaze. I’m reverting back to old G/W. Next time, I tell myself. Next time I’ll smile. Next time, when my dress is prettier. Next time, when my hair looks better.
It’s funny how I’m, currently, a mature young 125 lbs woman but I feel like revert back to the insecure, 200 lbs, 21-year-old I used to be. The one who felt unattractive no matter what.
I need to break out of this. I am. I can. I will.
Anyway, other than that, it is absolutely ridiculous here. The Brits likes to get drunk and sing. Frequently and loudly. Usually under my window.
Hope you’re all taking care of yourself :)
EDIT: So I e-mailed Frodo and he replied back with a long message in less than two hours. I’m trying to figure out how to respond but I have a feeling that my letter will either reach or exceed the length of his.
I tell myself that I have nothing to lose. I don’t. And I haven’t regretted it with him, yet. As much of a go-getter he is, he seems genuinely attracted to my forwardness. Only time will tell.

Frodo Strikes Back… Again!

So let’s rewind a few days before the current moment when I’m in the middle of packing for my move and I receive a call from a friend inviting me out for drinks at the pub. Who would I run into but Frodo? Frodo, who I last saw in 2012 a few hours before I got on a plane. Frodo, who I felt another spark with and I felt sure had started to become romantically interested in me? Frodo, who hadn’t tried to get in touch with me since I had gotten back.
Alright, another drunken three hour long conversation about the meaning of life. I remind him about my former crush, chide him for not getting in touch after he heard that I had come back and doing my very best to make him regret that I was leaving in five days. I was a little taken aback by how forward I am with him but… it seemed to work.
I received a text message from him later that night and the next day. We’ve been texting each other over the past week with long philosophical messages. Eventually, he asked to take me for a day trip over to the next city. Date? I don’t know. Bad timing? Definitely. Will I go? Sure.
Just like the Lawyer and the time before with Frodo, my attractiveness seems to have manifested itself to them just a few days before my departure. It almost seems as if leaving turns me into a beacon of sexual attraction. I should start trading in my make up and shoes for plane tickets because it’s becoming clear to me that the easiest way to make a guy fall in love with you is if you telling him that you’re virtually unattainable due to geographical obstacles.
Either way, here I am, in a situation that I would have killed to be in exactly a year ago. But my feelings for Frodo have already somewhat faded and this distance thing is not going to work out.
Mean twist of fate? At this point, fate’s cruel jokes are just getting too ridiculous.
I’m just going to take it day by day though (maybe make a serious attempt to stop day dreaming about him) and just let myself have fun. It’s why he seems to like me in the first place. I guess I found it easier to let my guard down when I knew that I had nothing to lose since I was pulling a disappearing act soon.

Moving to the UK

My friends, I’m moving to the United Kingdom.
My posts on this blog have become more infrequent. I like to think it’s because I’m not using my virginity as a shield anymore. I’m still a little warped when it comes to interpersonal relationships and I’m still awkward when dealing with romantic situations. But I’m more confident in myself as a sexual being. I can accept that people may see me as attractive. That’s a big step.
I’ve moved on from the Lawyer. I still get lost in daydreams about him but then, I shake myself out of it. The truth is that we’re not very compatible. The philosophical conversations over tea that I envision with my future boyfriend can never take place in the frat-boy type lifestyle that he leads. I try to remind myself about that whenever I’m sad about it. It doesn’t help that he doesn’t let a week go by without sending me a message. I feel like he just doesn’t want to be forgotten. What we shared was special. It just isn’t special enough. Not for him. Not for me.
However, it was a good learning experience. I identified what I liked about him- his assertive streak, his extroversion- and what I didn’t like about him- his simple-mindedness, his short temper. Now I know what I want in a guy. I’ve seen it. It’s tangible now.
I’ve also been seeing high-school-crush a lot. We share a few mutual friends. Random staring is abundant. It’s situations like these that make me glad I’m moving. I need to start fresh.
I’m interested in seeing how the dating scene differs between Europe and North America. Hopefully, a change of scenery will help me.

Why Virginity is A-Ok | Jeff Lincoln

Because there’s more to love than sex anyway.

You can definitely have great sex without love, and loving sex whilst in love. But when it comes down to it, sex and love are two different things. And any couple who was really in love would tell you the same thing. It doesn’t include the way a smile finds its way onto your face when they look your way. It doesn’t include all their random texts messages, their good mornings and goodnights. It doesn’t include the way they hold you when you need a shoulder, the way they look at you when you’re talking, or telling a story, the way they hold you close at night when it’s cold. It doesn’t include that feeling of wanting to tell them everything that’s happened to you today, and their genuine interest in everything you saw and did, or the way they plant a kiss on your cheek when you aren’t paying attention, the way they smile at you when they think you can’t see, their little pinky reaching for yours. And at the end of the night, it doesn’t include the way they pull you into them and whisper that they love you just the way you are.

Because doing something just to fit in feels wrong.

Okay, so everyone’s talking about it, and rounds of ‘Never-Have-I-Ever’ have pretty much consisted of you sipping and saying, “I’m just thirsty.” But feeling like you’re missing out and doing it to ‘get it over with’ is never a good idea. I mean honestly, just because all my friends have gotten Tumblr doesn’t mean I’m going to get it. I think it’s confusing and probably addictive and distracting and will make my life richer but certainly more complicated and at the end of the day — I’m just not interested. And that’s okay. You don’t see anyone forcing Tumblr on me, and more importantly, you don’t see me on it. This is because there’s nothing wrong with Tumblr, and there’s nothing wrong with sex. It just isn’t my cup of tea. And that’s fine. In fact, no one wants to hear that I’m not on Tumblr, because why should anyone care? Nobody needs me to be on it, just like nobody needs you to have sex. (Unless someone told you that you need to have sex with them, in which case that is a red flag and you should drop them like a bad transmission.)

Because sex doesn’t cure everything.

I am high-strung. Everyone who knows me says it, and they’re completely right. When I told my parents I was in a relationship, one of the first things my mom asked was whether or not they calm me down. But people have this notion that sex is this cure-all pill that’ll bring down your stress level, chill you out. Always talking about how relationships are stupid and sex is overrated? Well, do it and you’ll change your mind! No, my friend. I’m not saying that sex doesn’t calm you down. I’m not saying that sex doesn’t wipe your mind. I’m saying that there are other things which do that, too. Take a walk, for example. Make a new friend. Take up yoga. Grab a bite to eat. Continue living your life. Who says the human body absolutely needs sex in order to survive? Nobody. And if they’re telling you that you do, they’re lying. You need to take care of your stress level, yes, absolutely. But you do not have an itch that only sex can reach.

Because it’s better when it means something.

Sex isn’t just the simple act of penis in vagina, as we all know, both because of non-heteronormative couples, and because Cosmo’s taught us to be more open-minded than that. If you’re reading this, and even if you’re not, I hope you know that I want you to have good sex. I only want you to have good sex, for the rest of your life. And good sex I don’t define by orgasm. Good sex I define by the wafting curtains kind of sex that everyone deserves and the world would be so much better off with. Good sex entails that exchange of trust and honesty that only certain couples have. If you aren’t comfortable with something, if it’s moving too fast, if they’re not hitting the right spot, if you want it this way, if you want it faster or harder, you can say it, and they’ll listen. And more importantly, that you’re deriving pleasure from their pleasure. Good sex is an exchange of respect, because let’s be honest, there’s nothing sexier than considerate people who want our bodies to feel good, and are ready and willing to show us. Or if you’re into kink, good sex means having a safety word and then feeling adventurous, trusted, and trusting that you can go all out on your desires and not feel judged or shameful. So hey, guess what? It’s more than okay to wait for only this kind of sex. In fact, I want you to wait for this kind of sex. There’s no need to practice, because this kind of sex doesn’t care how much experience you’ve had.

Because there’s no rush.

And this one is for those who want it but can’t seem to find it. Don’t be in such a rush to have sex — what sort of wonders do you think are awaiting you? Do you have only a limited amount of time to have sex before you spontaneously combust and can no longer feel anything below the waist? Just because you can’t find anyone who doesn’t want to have sex with you today doesn’t mean you’re unsexy, you’re undesirable, you’re unlovable, you’re this or that. It means you haven’t found anybody who wants to have sex with you yet. And is that really such a horrible thing? Since when did sex become the currency by which we value our bodies, our souls? Does the amount of sex someone has had define how they treat the elderly, how much time they spend with their parents, how quickly they’ll rise to defend their friends, how many people would rush them to a hospital and stay by their side, or how many books they read, how many places they’ve traveled to, how many languages they speak, how creative or bright they are, how funny or kind or open-minded? No. So please stop focusing on how much sex you haven’t had yet, how desirable you are or aren’t, and keep an open mind to the world. There is so much more to you as a person than whether or not people want to get into your pants, and the sooner you realize that, the happier you’ll be. 

Read more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/5-reasons-why-virginity-is-a-ok/#2SEPvBobl2WSid2Y.99

The lawyer that went to hell

So, I became obsessed with the Lawyer. My cousins and their friends started hanging out with him once I left- I had kind of asked them to. He was initially enthusiastic about trying to keep in touch but this slowly waned off without any explanation. I was very confused. He told my cousin that he didn’t see a future with me since we lived so far away and I didn’t have any plans of moving closer, neither did he. I told him about a possible job opportunity for myself in his town. There was little to no reaction. He stopped replying to my messages.
About ten minutes ago, my cousin told me that she suspects that he is interested in her. Well… that would definitely explain why he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.
I am utterly broken. I can’t believe I let myself fall into this hopeless situation.
Just when I think I’m good enough for a guy like him, I get passed over for someone else.
I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. I am numb.