I’m an everyday mess: eye contact, weight loss and attraction

Brosky’s been having my high school crush over and that’s been really screwing me up. It’s been evoking a lot of old feelings that I had hoped I was over.
There’s a guy in class who I’m attracted to and who may even be attracted to me (yep, yet another one) but I don’t have the balls to hold eye contact with him for even half a second because that nagging voice tells me that I’m delusional and not attractive.
Meanwhile, I’ve lost more weight which has brought me down to around 135 lbs. I’d love to get down to 125 lbs but I feel like I’m making excuses for myself (you’re not hot enough etc etc). I’m beginning to realize that I would be okay with my weight and my body if I had a boyfriend- a lot of my weight issues circulate around men and what they think of my body.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m very frustrated with myself. I’m 23 years old, dammit. I should at least have one faux-relationship or something. I know it’s just me. I know that I’m the problem here and I can’t fix myself and it sucks.

Updates on my romantic life

It’s only been a few months since I’ve totally gotten over Frodo. He’s more willing to hang out with my group of friends but I feel like this doesn’t have much to do with me. I don’t think he’s romantically interested in me and I don’t think he ever will be. Also, I’ve learned some “deal breakers” about him (I know it’s ironic, coming from a girl like me) and although a short term relationship with him may work, I see us being totally incompatible in the long run because of those reasons.
Other than that, I’ve developed some sort of romantic feelings about Doubles. When our relationship was totally platonic (from my end anyway), I encouraged him to flirt and hang out with my attractive girlfriends (he’s still trying to get over his ex-girlfriend). Now I’m feeling jealousy and I’m not sure if it can be attributed to basic female territoriality or because I actually do like him. It’s a tough situation because…
1. He doesn’t ever compliment me or indicate that he likes me in any way
2. He is very good looking
3. Now he has all of my good looking friends to flirt with
4. He is in love with his ex-girlfriend
I love him so much and I want the world for him but I don’t want to like him. It complicates a very good friendship and I can’t handle the feelings I’ve been feeling for him recently. I know he’ll never go for me. Recently, I’ve been hugging him a lot and he’s pulled away frequently so I know he’s on the lookout for that kind of stuff from me. At the same time, he hooked up with my best friend (Brosky’s sister) this weekend and that upsets me a lot- although he did apologize for that.
My sister tells me I don’t actually like Doubles and that I’m just bored because I’m over Frodo and there’s no one else in the picture.
I saw Brosky last week after a long time. The same night I admitted to Brosky’s sister that I thought he was really hot.
A day later I saw him again and he was very animated in our conversation, encouraging me to come over to Brosky’s sister’s house (where Brosky’s sister and the rest of his family lives). Later, Brosky’s sister and I were hanging out and she received a phone call from him about something irrelevant. Apparently, during the course of this conversation, he told her that I was looking beautiful. I demanded to know if she told him that I thought he was good looking- she denied it. I believe her because she’s not the lying type but I’m confused about him and what he’s trying to do
Also, this weekend, I made out with a really good looking guy in a club while I was drunk. I haven’t kissed any one since February of 2010 (except for a drunken horny kiss from Doubles once last month). After the kiss, I proceeded to have a breakdown about it in a corner while Doubles and my friend (the girl he hooked up with earlier) tried to console me. It was a disaster. I was crying in his shirt and he was threatening to beat the guy up… over two kisses that I initiated. The weird part is that I think I made out with the guy to get Doubles’ attention. I danced with the guy, kissed him and then ran off- Doubles noticed and followed me. I freaked out about it.
I know I’m messing things up between Doubles and myself and I hate it. Why do I have to be such a girl all the time? Why do I have to be so desperately lonely that I’m trying to seduce one of my best friends? I’m an idiot.

“Just once, I’d like to find a boy. And I like him and he likes me…

…and we have a laugh and the kissing’s really good and there’s no-one getting in the way of the laughing and the kissing. Is that too much to ask?”
- Sarra Manning

I feel like I only come here anymore when Frodo throws me a curveball. No, I’m still not seeing him. And there’s no one in between either. I’ve been to Vegas and back, lost another ten lbs and everyone is “amazed” at how hot I look now (as opposed to before when apparently, I looked like crap). But the bf situation is still gone and I don’t know what to do about it.
I wrote this post two months ago and I hate how it still applies and it never changes ever. I feel like I’ve come such a long way from when I started this blog but I’m still nowhere at all.
Three years ago I was large, in love with my high school crush, only friends with high school people, had low self-confidence, jobless, couldn’t figure out what I wanted to with my life and struggling to impress everyone…
Now I’m small(er), over that bastard, friends with a group of different types of people, have better confidence, have a good job, finishing my degree and done with impressing anyone but myself.
But as far as men go, I’m still nowhere and I know I keep whining about the same crap over and over again but, seriously, life? If you’re hearing me, I’d at least like options. You can dangle it in front of my nose whatever. At least it would still be there. Right now I have nothing and it’s really depressing.
I want a dateable guy. Even if it doesn’t end up working out. I just want someone to call, to text, to think about… right now all I have is Frodo and I’m sick of pining over something I can’t have again.

EDIT: Honestly, don’t even bother commenting on this. This is just a stupid rant that’s like all my stupid rant and we know what’ll happen in the end anyway… absolutely nothing.

We’re a Whale

Sorry about being MIA, guys, exam season, you know?
I stumbled across this really cute/heartbreaking story about a lonely whale. If I was child, the whale’s story would be perfect to turn into an illustrated storybook for me. Thought I’d share…

Song of the Sea, a Cappella and Unanswered
By ANDREW C. REVKIN
Published: December 21, 2004

Imagine roaming the world’s largest ocean year after year alone, calling out with the regularity of a metronome, and hearing no response.

Such, apparently, is the situation faced by a solitary whale, species unknown, that has been tracked since 1992 in the North Pacific by a classified array of hydrophones used by the Navy to monitor enemy submarines.

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The animal is called the 52 hertz whale because it makes a distinctive stream of sounds at around that basso profundo frequency, just above the lowest note on a tuba.

Its sonic signature is clearly that of a whale, but nothing like the normal voice of the giant blue or the next biggest species, the fin, or any other whale for that matter, said Mary Ann Daher, a marine biologist at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution on Cape Cod.

Ms. Daher is part of a team built by Dr. William A. Watkins, a pioneer in marine mammal acoustics who died in September, that has spent years trying to eavesdrop on the largely hidden lives of whales.

In the current edition of the journal Deep-Sea Research, members of this team report that all signs are that the sounds come from a single animal, whose movements “appeared to be unrelated to the presence or movement of other whale species.”

The 52 hertz whale may be maturing, since its voice has deepened slightly over time, Ms. Daher said. A gallery of sounds, including the call of 52 hertz, can be heard at www.pmel.noaa.gov/vents/acoustics/spectrograms.html.

Team members and other experts have proposed a host of explanations for the whale sounds, among them that the animal is malformed or, most likely, is a hybrid of a blue whale and another species.

Ms. Daher said that as word of the paper has spread, she has gotten a host of e-mail messages, some from whale lovers lamenting the notion of a lonely heart of the cetacean world. Some messages have come from deaf people speculating that the whale might share their disability.

Dr. Kate Stafford, a researcher at the National Marine Mammal Laboratory in Seattle, said there were reasons to believe that the whale was healthy.

“The fact that this individual has been capable of existing in that harsh environment for at least these 12 years indicates there is nothing wrong with it,” she said. But she agreed that there was something poignant about the finding.

“He’s saying, ‘Hey I’m out here,’ ” she said. “Well, nobody is phoning home.”

Waiting

I have always been waiting.
Waiting to make friends. Waiting for my crush. Waiting to graduate high school. Waiting for a boyfriend. Waiting to lose weight. Waiting for someone to notice that I’ve lost weight. Waiting to be attractive. Waiting to grow up. Waiting for someone to love me. Waiting to graduate from post secondary.  Waiting to figure out my life. Waiting for appreciation. Waiting for Mr. Right.
Waiting is all I do. The waiting is constant. I feel like I’ve been waiting all my life.

Frodo Strikes Back!

So most of you might have heard about Frodo (click his name for the nutshell version). Well, he’s back in my life… ish. And it’s just as messed up as before.
My friend was having a house party and I showed up with Doubles. Frodo immediately asks me if we’re dating, I guess he didn’t believe me last time and I told him that we were never going to date. He told me I should date Doubles, I gave him a look and he laughed. I asked him about his girlfriend and he said he didn’t have one, I gave him another look. He didn’t laugh (I guess he’s not seeing her anymore or maybe he’s playing games).
Later on, I see this random girl hitting on Frodo and I recruit Doubles to draw her away so I could talk to him. He did a good job of it. I even told Frodo that I told Doubles to get him away from her… and Frodo thanked me (wtf, could I get clearer?). We were laughing, he was brushing my arm et cetera, we were taking pictures together but when I got up for a second to take pictures of a friend, he left. I was very confused. He had walked over to Doubles and thanked him for taking away that chick. Doubles decides he’s going to be my wingman and starts talking to him about me, apparently Frodo asked him what the deal between Doubles and I was and Doubles confirmed that it wasn’t going to happen. They got distracted and started talking about something else.
I decided Frodo was ruining my night so I avoided him (how much clearer can I be, Frodo?). I was a little drunk and I told Doubles that I was upset. Doubles told me that I was probably giving Frodo mixed signals. I was very confused at that. I told him that Frodo didn’t like me and that this was alright with me, I can’t hate someone for not thinking I’m attractive. Doubles just shrugged and said that was fair… then walked away (I was mad at him too).
So I generally avoided Frodo and he didn’t talk to me for a while but then he started coming back and sticking himself into photos of myself and my friends, asking if I was driving home et cetera. I was very calm after this and called a cab. I say good bye to Frodo, he hugs me… and I leave, still a little depressed because I had gotten over him and now he was involved in my life again.
The next day he commented on one of the terrible pictures of him and me (this is the first time he’s ever said anything directly to me on facebook)… that’s about it.
See, this is what I hate… getting sucked in over and over again. I feel like I’m floating around, always touching land but never quite getting there. I’m determined that I’ll ignore Frodo next time but I know I won’t. There’s this hope inside me that won’t die. It tells me that someone like him could actually like someone like me… if I was anyone else, I’d be feeling really bad for me.
I don’t know. I know it’s not the worst thing in the world but I’m just tired of feeling constantly rejected. When I was overweight, I could attribute it to that but now that’s not an option anymore. I could still say that 140 lbs is too big but that’s still a cop out. Which leads me to the fact that just don’t have what it takes to attract someone like him and no matter what I do, I’m just not enough as a person and it sucks.

—
So to make sure that this post isn’t a total failure, I decided to post some links of new single/unexperienced bloggers who have been lurking around my blog in the past few months or that I’ve found unexpectedly. When my regularly read blogs aren’t being updated, I like reading stuff related to virginity/being single so I’d appreciate it if you’d post some links too.
If you’re new, my sidebar has a list of few links to other blogs (which desperately needs to be updated, I have way more that I subscribe too but I’m weeding some of them out) but they’re good to get you started. I highly recommend visiting Jo and Amanda if you’re single blogging and Queen V and Ecrivain if you’re specifically looking for older virgin related blogs.
Here are the newbies/newly found blogs (:
The Thoughts of a Type A, Over Analyzer
The Dancing Orange
Sick of Being Single
Let’s Just Make It Happen
Bumbling
P.S. I’m back into constant study mode and your blogs make those 5 minute breaks worth it so keep posting! Also, did anyone see this? Apparently, virginity is back in again. Yay, we’re cool!

 

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy hair

And here you are folks, one of the two photos of me that you’ll ever have the pleasure of viewing (;
But the point of this post isn’t solely to show off my long tresses, it’s to do two things.
a) Apologize for my absence on my blog (and your blogs) for the past two weeks. I’ve been really busy with school and intend to stay busy. I’m hoping to get caught up with everyone in the next month.
b) To talk about long hair.
My hair grew long almost unintentionally. I’ve always had shoulder to mid-back length hair but two years ago, after an incident involving blonde dye and hair loss, I swore off hair dressers and dyed it back to black. It’s been growing ever since and over the past six months, I’ve realized how amazing it is to have long hair. In South Asian culture, long hair is a sign of great beauty. I have a lot of aunts and female cousins who have spent all their free time grooming their hair. I’ve finally become one of them… and now I understand why they do it.
Long hair makes you feel feminine and beautiful… but more importantly, very sexy. There’s something extremely sensual about long locks and it doesn’t even need to have a sexual connotation. Long hair just feels good. Even if the rest of you looks like serious crap, your hair feels great.
Other people can see it too. When I redo my hair during class, I can feel eyes on me when I undo my clips. When I’m dancing in a club, boys (and girls!) watch my hair flip around and back and forth. When I’m posing for a picture, I scrunch up my hair to my face and I can perfect the mock-sexy look. It gives me that extra confidence boost similar to the one I get from a spritz of my favorite perfume except the best thing is… that I can always feel it.  There’s this constant reminder that my hair is long and it’s pretty. Even now, while typing, I can feel it grazing my elbows. I’ll admit, it’s strange to talk about it but try sporting some extensions or a wig for a day and you’ll see what I mean.
And if you haven’t read about it yet, guess what? Men prefer longer hair.

Over the past decade and a half, I’ve dated and fallen in love with a strikingly wide variety of men. I’ve lost my heart to athletes, professors, surfer bio-physicists, the next Bill Clinton, older men, much older men, even an Australian paramilitary officer living in China whose mental faculties, much like his titanium leg, had taken an irreparable hit after “the jump.” All had varied backgrounds and different standards of beauty, yet they all shared a high level of intelligence and an impressive mastery of the English language. (Some women go for the body or sense of humor—I’ve always gone for the hyper- articulate.) But when asked to explain why I shouldn’t cut my hair, even if the suggestion was hypothetical, none of these articulators could present me with a sound, convincing argument. What’s more, not a single one cupped my face in his hands and said, “Go for it. Cut it off. Long hair, short hair— you’re beautiful, no matter what.” Instead, all I got were nervous stammers and “I’m just not into it” vagueness.

This article in Elle gives you a picture of how serious men are about long locks. They’ve even thrown in some credible sources this time (including Jena Pincott, whose book I’ve read cover to cover over and over again) that really point out the advantages of having longer hair.
So here, I’m going to solve all your problems: if you have short hair, grow it out. Whether you’re doing it to raise your own self esteem or to up your value on the ten-point scale, I really think it’s worth some consideration.
If you’re really daring, you can dye it blond too. Or keep it brunette and marry a billionaire.
At the end of the day, I really do think your hair should reflect your personality (I’ve never really had a thing for the mod chops) but it never hurts to go longer (:

Links on loving yourself, Hugh Hefner, virginity sniffing animals and anti-obesity activists

In honour of valetine’s day, I’m doing a special link session to any and all interesting articles pertaining to singles, virginity and anything that I’ve been sticking in my bookmarks to share with you guys. It’s time to unload- and what’s a better day than today?
—
On being single on valentine’s day
I’m find a lot of helpful posts for singles who are finding it hard to cope today so I thought I’d add some links to my favourite ones and see if they can perk you up a bit:
Be Thankful | The Birds and the Beezies
How to Be Single on Valentine’s Day | The Dating Optimist
Surviving Being Single on Valentine’s Day | Single City Guy
Love Yourself This Valentine’s Day | Carls Bad Patch
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On losing your virginity
From the meaning of losing the v-card to experiences of doing so to funny posts about when to lose it and when the man himself lost it (22! Can you believe it?)
Swiping the V-Card | College Candy
The 30-Year-Old Virgins | Salon.com
5 TV-inspired ways to lose your virginity | Student Life (U-Dub)
How Hef Got His Groove Back | The New York Times
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About society and virginity
General articles about virginity and science, trends and what they mean in a global context
30-Something Mormon Poet’s Take On… | via Never Had A Boyfriend
Hymenplasty and the obsession with virginity | Iowa State Daily
Is virginity the new sexual trend? | redandblack.com (UGA)
Male animals can ‘smell’ virginity | Sify.com
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About body image and self-esteem
I love the first article- does everyone agree when you say “she’s a 10″?
Beauty is not a spectrum | Eat The Damn Cake
Princess Politics | The Boston Globe
7 Tips to Dress Your New Body… Image | WebMD
Meet an anti-obesity activist | CNN Video

P.S. Quite a few of these links were found on the incel forums. For more information, see this post.
P.P.S. I’m always on the lookout of interesting articles relating to virginity and women who haven’t been in relationships. I would absolutely love to post anything you have found so if you think there’s something we should be taking a look at, please comment with it or email me at girlslashwoman[at]gmail[dot]com.

Celebrate Valentine’s Day! It isn’t just for couples

Not just because it’s V-day and you still have your V-card and not because St. Valentinus was probably a virgin (okay, maybe a little because of that)… you should celebrate it because we all have the right to be loved and spread love regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not.
I have always loved valentine’s day (and very little of that has to do with the half-price candy after valentine’s day). I used to dress up in pink and distribute condoms to my sexually active friends… for real. Not because I was worried about STI’s or that I wanted to live vicariously through them. It’s because it was funny and less cliche than a bunch of roses.
I remember there was this one valentine’s day when I dressed up and got to school to find out that my high school crush had slept with this really beautiful girl. I was incredibly depressed. But if I can live through that and still love valentine’s day, I think you can learn to love it too.
So happy valentine’s day, friends! Wear some pink, spread some condoms and remember that just because you’re single doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved.

Awkward Girl Faces Her Nemesis, The Social Cue Demon

I’ve been wondering about how I should phrase my ideas around this post. It basically involves the pitfalls of researching things like sexual interactions, virginity and such… it’s kind of like an overload of information. Like oil in a glass of water, they don’t combine very well. It floats on top and when the time comes to actually putting it to use, no amount of stirring or shaking will make it mix with the water.
That’s how I feel every time I’m in a situation where I’m talking to a guy or in a position where I could get approached by a guy. It’s easy to tell yourself to relax but it’s different to actually do it- I tell myself to act confidence, to make eye contact, to flirt… to do things that I’m not really used to doing naturally. I start remembering articles about how to act, about what to say, how to flip my hair and it’s confusing. It’s awkward. And I feel as if the guy I’m talking to senses this awkwardness.
It’s disturbing because for the longest time, I convinced myself that guys weren’t interested in me because of my weight. Later on, I realized that it wasn’t the weight, it was the no-no-signals I was sending out to all men. But now that I’m trying to remedy this, I’m finding myself lost. I feel like a new driver who has been through four weeks of classroom training who is thrown into the front seat of a semi and order to start driving down the highway at 130 km/hr. It’s nerve racking.
But it doesn’t even end there. I wonder if VSoL is holding me back. I feel like this label may be hurting me. I’ve defined myself as a single girl endlessly searching for love and I’m afraid that it may just stay that way due to my own behaviour- and the constant overanalyzing that I do on this blog.
I tried to talk to a friend who has a lot of success with men and she told me to act “natural”. I have no idea what that means. I tried acting natural with Frodo but that only came back and bit me in the ass. But as I mentioned before, there is a cute boy in my class who seems to pay attention to me because I talk to everyone around me and act confidence (something I’m not used to). For all I know though, he’s not interested at all- or he may be but I never make much eye contact so I threw him off (You see? This is what I mean)
I used to think of myself as a self-fulfilling prophecy. The fat girl who thinks she’s not attractive to men ends up acting like she has low self esteem and thus, men aren’t interested in her. Now I feel like the single girl who thinks she’s lacking in the experience department and all the compensation for that is hampering her from actually obtaining the experience that she wants.
Anyway, I don’t know guys, what should I do? I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place- if I just play it cool and be myself, it seems like a legit idea except for the fact that it hasn’t ever worked for me and I feel really naive and dorky. On the other hand, I could keep reading evolutionary biology books and dating advice articles but it isn’t getting me anywhere and may even making me a little crazy. I’m confused.