I’ve been mulling about with different ways to find an appropriate culmination to this blog. Quite a few of us have found solace, or even salvation, in writing about our experiences online. I feel that this is a very symbolic thing. Since starting it (almost six years ago), I’ve often thought about my last post on this blog. I never would have been able to predict it. But that’s life.
I have nothing to write about anymore. But I don’t want to leave it with a simple farewell post. I want to try to help you out through what I’ve learned.
These are the things that have contributed towards me overcoming my ‘v-card problem’ as such (PS I’m not talking about the physical virginity aspect but the sociological/psychological tendency that came with it, as I’ve said time and time again, the v-card itself as a physical entity had little to do with it).
I know that some of these things have been said to you before (they’ve been said to me too and I duly ignored them at the time) and I’m going to lay out the facts and, only then, ascertain why they were so significant in the process (which is my own personal opinion so take heed).
1. Relocation – Relocation helped me open myself up to new people. I’ve been moving around a lot in the past year and, unsurprisingly, the bulk of my experiences with men took place during 2012. Does this mean you need to move too? Maybe, maybe not. But exploring different avenues is definitely a way you can simulate a similar affecr. The difference with me surrounds the fact that I had to integrate myself into new social circles… or face exclusion and self-alienation.
2. Deemphasize the virginity aspect - The guy that I connected with did not know that I was a virgin until the very last moment. Some of the other men I’ve been seeing never knew. I covered up the truth very well by simply stating that my sexual history is my own business. No one will ask you to divulge information if you say that. It is normal.
But the most important part of this element is you forgetting that you’re a virgin. Wipe it from your mind. It’s insignificant to who you are a person. Just stop thinking about it because when you do, you’re internalizing the perception of ‘weirdness’ that comes with being an older virgin. The same goes for someone who hasn’t dated in a while. Forget about it. Stop looking at men and women as binaries, you are not a repellant because you haven’t had sex (/in a while)
3. Be yourself - The moments when I wasn’t preening or reading self-help books is when I ended up meeting people. I’ve been told that I have a ‘light’ that shines when I’m talking about something I love. I’m convinced that we all do. Even if it’s a damaging light. I’m not always at my best. Sometimes I’m whiny and vindictive. It’s okay to not put on the nice-girl face 24/7. We all have our own personalities. And you will be loved, you definitely will- not just by monsters and people trying to suck your soul. I never thought that I was ever good enough to nail someone who is considered a catch but here I am. With all my neurotic tendencies and over analyzing, I’m loved by someone who is absolutely amazing and he hasn’t given up on me.
There is no perfect you. There isn’t a 10 residing inside you that will one day come out. You are the way you are. And the person you date won’t perfect either. There will never be a better day or a better time or better you where you can be yourself. Do it now.
4. Don’t look for Prince Charming – because when you do, you’re placing unrealistic expectations on yourself and them. It’s unfair on the both of you. Stop getting hung up on men even if you can only bear to. Take every relationship (not just in dating but in friendship as well) as an adventure and, even if you float off into daydreamland every once in a while, keep it realistic when you’re in real life.
This has a lot of subcomponents as well- don’t close doors in any part of your life. If a person isn’t dateable, make them a friend. We have so much to gain from more than just romantic relationships.
The guy that I’m with was a friend before anything else and he realizes that I’ll eventually have to leave him… but we’re doing what we can to make it worth it for the time being. I don’t believe in true love. Love doesn’t always need happy endings, it just needs you to make you happy for the time being.
5. Change – if you aren’t happy and you aren’t doing what you feel like you need to do, you need to change yourself. This isn’t as abstract as it sounds. I feel like a completely different person from the one who was writing in this blog in 2008. I don’t know whether it was the weight loss, the self-esteem stemming from the weight loss or just plain ol’ maturation. I’ve learned how to be happy with myself and my life by constantly telling myself that I’m very lucky with the life that I have (no matter how shit it seems). That always makes my life brighter.
I can’t really think of much else but here are a few other things that may not necessarily be applicable to you but you can keep them in mind…
Demanding respect - I don’t think this aspect helped with the problem, per se, but it definitely made my life easier. I’m lucky enough to be with a person who is, for the most part, very respectful and sensitive to my needs. My key point here is: you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You will always feel bad otherwise. Have faith in yourself and your ability to say no.
Let yourself enjoy the moment – Don’t be so strict in looking for viable outcomes. Learn how to let go of the future. I don’t think I’ll ever be a girl who can be in a relationship but now, this status hasn’t been involuntarily thrust on me. I’ve chosen it. That is very empowering. Scary but empowering. We can have our cakes and eat it too. Instead of settling for life, settle for the moment. It’s just as good but without the added baggage of being a forever thing.
So there you have it guys. I probably won’t be writing here anymore and I haven’t been accessible by email since I forgot my password a few years ago but there’s nothing here that hasn’t been said before. I hope this helps.
I wish you all good luck in your journeys. Don’t fret. It will all work out in the end. For you and me both :)