So… any boys in your life? I can actually answer that with a yes this time

So… remember Frodo who I thought was into me and then I was sure he was into me and then I determined that he was into someone else? Well, he is really throwing me off.
We’ve all hung out together (as a group) once or twice after the last post where that random girl showed up. During those times, I was friendly but I didn’t go out of my way to capture him in conversation.
Fast forward to a few nights ago when we were both hammered at a party. Initially, I floated around because I knew a lot of people and I said hi to Frodo in passing. Later on I saw him talking to a few girls but I had chalked him up to a loss a long time ago. Later on, I was talking to some mutual friends when he comes up to us and says we should all go dance. We get onto the dance floor, he pulls me towards him and now we’re getting down and dirty (P.S. As extensive as his list of skills and accomplishments is… Frodo can’t dance, it was painful).
While we’re dancing, I try to keep it casual with some light conversation but a few of our mutual friends started watching us, hollering and making rude gestures and besides that, Frodo’s hand was moving closer and closer to my ass. At this point, I found it appropriate to inform Frodo that although I thought he was cute, I wasn’t going to sleep with him. He said he knew I wasn’t and that it made him like me better (I know, roll eyes).
To be honest, dancing with him was a blur. I remember talking about music, about the party, about people there and I had the feeling that if this kept going the way it was going, I was heading towards a makeout session.
Of course, now that we’ve been dancing for a whole 20 minutes,  G’s internal man-repelling alarm starts going off and my mind starts searching for excuses as to how I can get myself out of this situation. I immediately pull in a friend who was dancing close to me and her boyfriend (who is a little bit of a perv). Somehow, the topic moves to lesbian kissing and my friend’s boyfriend and Frodo start egging me and my friend to make out. They’re both drunk and were pretty desperate so friend and I obliged them with a quick peck. They were obviously not satisfied with that but the whole girl-on-girl mania was pissing me off especially since Frodo was endorsing it. I cut myself loose and started talking to a friend.
A few minutes later, I decided to leave. I found Frodo talking to one of his friends that I had been introduced to that day. I told him I was leaving and hugged him, hugged the new friend (who is also cute) for good measure, answered in an affirmative to Frodo’s question about whether I was leaving already and I peaced out.
I don’t know what this boy was playing at exactly. But my little defensive shield tells me that he realized I was into him and wanted to take advantage of that. I want to be off the mark but I don’t know if I am or not. He was really fun  to dance with but I didn’t notice him making a lot of effort to talk to me beforehand and that makeoutwithgirls stuff really set off my pig-radar. Yes, I realize that he was hammered and that he is usually a perfect gentleman et cetera et cetera but I found it unnerving.
I’m happy that I didn’t make out with him but I’m unhappy that I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like my instinctual scan of his reaction towards me was disappointing. Otherwise, I’d be leaping for joy on the way home rather than be confused.
The thing is, this doesn’t happen to me. I mean, in real life as in people I know and not drunk at a bar somewhere in Vegas. I’ve never had interactions where a guy I wouldn’t mind dating is making the moves on me. I’m the unrequited-love girl, not the mutual-connection girl. I don’t know what to do about this boy who I see randomly once or twice a month who may be involved with someone but is really perfect and I just…
Even if I want to make the leap, I don’t know how. And I’m stuck,
I’m stuck between wanting to make the leap and being played for a fool. I hate not feeling good enough and my confidence has been shot as it is. I’ve finally started gaining some as I’ve lost weight. I don’t want to annihilate it completely again.

Slim Chance

I read this book when I was fat(ter). Chances are, none of you have heard of it so here’s the standard blurb

Girls are supposed to swoon when they are proposed to, but not Evie Mays. She throws up after her handsome, caring boyfriend, Bruce, pops the question at the cosmetics company where she works. But thoughts of making her friends green with envy invigorate Evie as she proudly shows off her engagement ring. She wants to lose 40 pounds so that she can fit into her size eight Vera Wang wedding dress. Bruce tells her he doesn’t think she needs to lose weight, but she brushes him off. Soon Evie is spending most of her free time at the gym, with a handsome personal trainer, and spending every penny on clothes as her weight dwindles. Her attitude toward Bruce becomes increasingly flippant as her obsession with her image grows until she takes a major misstep that could jeopardize their entire future together. Evie’s self-involvement is irritating, but Rose manages to generate a great deal of sympathy for her by the end of this engaging novel.

While I was reading the book, I was overtaken with irritation, disbelief and jealousy. This girl literally spent a hundred thousand dollars on her clothes, cheated on her fiancee and turned into a class A bitch just because she was hungry.
When I started gaining weight, I started wearing standard fat girl clothes. Sweat pants, t-shirts, anything that would hide myself. I was in denial. I stopped purchasing my designer wares and instead I turned to $12 jeans because they were “temporary” just like 10 pounds I gained… like the 20/30/40 pounds I gained.
All my cute high school outfits were stashed at the back of my closet and then slowly given away to the salvation army. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until the damage was done.
Now that I’ve lost a little bit of weight, I’m starting to act like Evie. I don’t have a boyfriend to cheat on and I’m not hungry enough to be a bitch but I have spent so much money on clothes. I can hardly believe it myself. Luckily, I’ve given up on designer duds but my new home is H&M and Forever 21. I do whatever I can to look trendy/hip/cool. It’s not even that I want to get noticed, I just like getting dressed now. I like looking in the mirror and liking what I see. I like walking into a store and having everything fit me.  I like purchasing a t-shirt in a small. I like that I can pull off skinny jeans and tall boots and a skirt without worrying about looking like a try hard.
I get upset at myself for googling outfits, spending years on polyvore, taking an hour to get dressed in the morning but hell, don’t I deserve it? Isn’t it normal?
Okay, this post was supposed to be about how I’m spending too much money on myself and how I’m too self-involved but in the duration of writing it, I’ve realized that it’s not so bad. I’m not out of control. Maybe I am buying too many clothes but what am I supposed to do? I threw away all my high school stuff. Besides that, I’ve learned to sale-shop and I’m not going broke any time soon.
I need to stop being so harsh on myself.
I need to go for a run.

The 30-year-old virgin

I hope some of you managed to catch this episode of Oprah.
Throughout the entire thing, I was kind of like… blah. I could kind of relate to Carmen because her issues are kind of the same as mine (insecurity, body image etc) whereas Shayla was an interesting character because her v-card problem was deeply rooted in her relationship with her parents.
It didn’t help me or tell me anything I didn’t know but I guess a lesson you learn is that us virgins are a diverse bunch of people. Kind of like people who drive hybrid cars or seniors with tattoos… everyone likes to group us together as if we have the same issue that can be solved collectively. It can’t.
It’s true that the things I read on my blogroll do resonate with me to some extent but there’s always little twists that makes their experience uniquely theirs.
There isn’t really a code to cracking a virgin.