Involuntary Celibacy

So I’m not really sure if you’ve heard about this but a month or two ago, I was virgin-post hunting and ended up stumbling on something pretty interesting.
I’ll post bits and pieces from the Wikipedia page but I highly suggest actually reading up on it yourself.

Involuntary celibacy is the absence in human sexuality of intimate relationships or sexual intercourse for reasons other than voluntary celibacy, asexuality, antisexualism, or sexual abstinence… [it] describes those who, despite being open to sexual intimacy and potential romance with someone and also making active, repeated efforts towards such an end, cannot cause any such end(s) to occur with any significant degree of regularity—or even at all… First, it is a pattern-like, semi-perpetual condition that cannot seem to improve despite concentrated effort of the affected individual towards improving sex appeal and social skills to try to attract sexual partners. Second, involuntarily celibate individuals are at a complete or near-complete lack for intimate physical connection for very long spans of time—years and even sometimes decades, not merely weeks or months—and are also at a complete or near-complete lack of opportunities for sexual advancement in the first place, thereby making betterment of their own sexuality through accumulation of “sexual experience” impossible… most incels, based on inquests by researchers into the population, are not especially physically unattractive, and most resemble in an interpersonal sense their peers who are not involuntarily celibate.

There is a forum for incels (involuntary celibates) located over here. It takes a few days for the administrators to approve your account for posting but you can read some posts while waiting. Although most of the demographic seem to be male, women can be involuntary celibate too (did I really need to say that?).
What I find really interesting is some of the resources that have been posted up. For instance:
1.  A link to Dan Savage’s advice for losing your virginity later in life
2. The incel’s guide to seeking therapy
3. And the best one of all success stories
Anyway, I think everyone should take the time to check it out. There’s some good stuff there.

The pro’s of being a virgin: here’s one you didn’t think of

Hey, you’re still a virgin. Shit happens. But it’s not so bad. At least you’re not carrying the DNA of any previous lovers around in you.

There remains a possibility, however remote, that cells from a lover may pass be transmitted during sex. Those cells may hang out forever in the recipient’s body, taking residence in any organ. These cells are the imprint of lovers past, a trace of living history.

I seriously need to see this study before I buy into it but hah, this is just gross.  There’s a thing I don’t have to worry about.
P.S. Ladies (and gents), if you ever do get around to losing it. Jena is right. For the love of your own DNA, please use protection.

Weight – the final frontier

You will never ever ever know what it feels like to be overweight unless you have experienced it. You will feel things that you have never felt before, you will fall to an ultimate low and pick out flaws in yourself (mentally and physically) that you did not give a rat’s ass about before.

Ever since, I wrote an entry titled To be fat is to be like an alien, it has consistently been on my list of top posts. This is particularly amazing because it defies two of the golden rules of blogging:
1. It doesn’t stick to only one topic relevant to my blog
2. It is super super long
… which gave me a lot of hope. It makes me feel as if people were actually listening to what I had to say about my experiences and the world in general. Out of all the entries I’ve ever written, it was the most emotional and honest one.
Although I’ve lost a total of 60 lbs since that post, my feeling on the matter have not changed.

Treating someone differently because of their weight is wrong

The funny part is how differently people treated me after I lost weight. I feel like a completely different girl. Even though I eat the same, spend the same time working out, have the same ideas and haven’t changed my attitude or personality at all. Most of you know that prior to… well, today, I’ve always been bigger. Last year, I found out that I had PCOS and after being put on birth control (which luckily ended up regulating my hormones), I started losing weight. I am the same person. Previously, my weight was out of my control. Today, it isn’t. And now, society thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to treat me differently because of that.

Being fat is not about an insensitive comment, a cry and then recovery. It isn’t a paper cut. It doesn’t heal. Being fat is like a constant disease.

Discrimination based on size is still discrimination

A reader recently posted a comment saying she kind of understood how I felt because although she had never been overweight, she is gay and she always felt alienated. Without minimizing the problems faced by homosexuals and minorities, I want to come out and say that homophobia and racism is heavily stigmatized (formally anyway). It is generally accepted by people that discriminating based on gender, sexual preference and race should not be tolerated. But for some reason, the same people who propagate this will raise their eyebrows at a larger girl eating a cheeseburger.
Weight is the final frontier. Sizeism is very real and it is very unfair. Most of us are sizeist and we don’t even know it. Because the awareness isn’t out there! And that’s where I come in. Here’s the deal…

Fat people aren’t purposefully trying to be fat

Though I’ll admit that being obese is unhealthy- I hate the idea that it’s treated like leprosy. We don’t tell alcoholics to just “quit” drinking- we send them to 12 step programs. We don’t ask heart attack patients to suck it up. We don’t tell schizophrenics to just “ignore the voices”… so why are we demonizing overweight people? We never make smokers and cancer sufferers feel ashamed so why is it okay to dog on the fat girl?
I have a suspicion it’s because we stop considering them as people. When you see a fat person, you don’t make eye contact with them (not unless they’re behind a cashier anyway) and you purposefully ignore them. You think they’re lazy and gluttonous. In this day and age, it’s sick to think about.
Do you ever look at a female and automatically think she’s stupid?
Do you ever look at a black girl and automatically think she’s a criminal?
Do you ever look at a gay guy and automatically think he’s a pervert?
No because we have moved beyond that. So when dealing with fat people, why are we still stuck in the 50′s?

Are you honestly okay with the way you’re making people feel?

Even if you don’t agree with me and you still believe that obese people only have themselves to blame, you have to admit that the terrible treatment of overweight people is excessive. Not only is it excessive, it’s counteractive. Making people upset will not make them lose weight. When you get dumped, you automatically reach for the Ben & Jerry’s… so do fat people.
When I read my old entry, I feel like crying… because I remember how painful it was to feel completely worthless.

Because when you’re fat, it’s your life. Since about the time I was 8 and actually realized the implications of being overweight, I have devoted at least 20% of my thought process to my weight… the fact that I’m fat is always at the back of my mind… Don’t eat that. Suck in your cheeks. Don’t look at him. Fix your shirt so it doesn’t stick in the fat rolls when you sit. Don’t picture yourself there. Try on a larger size. Steer away from the narrow door. Raise your head so you don’t get a double chin. Don’t walk by that group of guys sitting there. Make sure you pull your pants up. Try not to look forward to that party. Dance so your ass doesn’t jiggle. Stand at an angle. Don’t order anything to eat that may be embarrassing. Wear something baggy. Don’t draw attention to yourself. No skirts above cellulite level. Keep your arms away from your sides. Don’t take the elevator. Eat the apple. Carry the binder in front of your stomach…

No one should feel this way. And no one should be okay with other people feeling this way.

My hopes haven’t changed

Like I said before, even though I’m no longer obese or even overweight, I’m still upset about this. Not only am I still upset, I’m absolutely furious. I am furious that I felt badly about myself and that no one bothered to tell me that it wasn’t a big deal. I’m furious that although my body has changed, the world still hasn’t. I’m furious that the shit just won’t stop.

This is what I’m afraid of. That there will be another little girl like me who eats normally, acts normally and lives normally until she realizes that she is ten pounds heavier that anyone else. Then she realizes that none of those people on tv are ten pounds heavier than anyone else. That there is no one else. Just a bunch of thin people. Suddenly, the cheekpulls will stop and she won’t be hugged by her aunts because she’s cuddly. She’ll notice their hurtful comments. And how her baby fat isn’t melting off like it is on her best friends. How different everything is for her than it is for her skinnier counterparts. How she’s excluded out of cliques when others her age figure this out. She’ll go on diets, awful diets. She’ll skip meals. She’ll cry. She’ll be afraid. She’ll throw up. She’ll exercise… more than anyone. She’ll still be overweight. She’ll skip out on parties. She’ll think everyone is judging her. She’ll buy clothes for when she loses weight. She’ll put her future on hold until she does it. This will happen.

If you don’t care about me or about other girls. Worry about yourself. Worry about your sisters and your daughters and those close to you who are struggling with this. I can’t fight this one on my own, guys.
You need to do it with me.

This is what a virgin looks like

You don’t look like a virgin- is the response I recently received from a male friend who I confided in. It echoed the sentiments of some coworkers a few years ago who claimed that I didn’t “seem like a virgin”. Well, I’m sorry to break it to ya but…
It’s funny how quickly ideas change. Once we get into college, people stop being virgins… but if you’re still a virgin, you’re subject to scrutiny. And this is what I wanted to talk about.
I’m finding that the men of yesterday had a completely different view of what a female virgin looked like compared to their modern counterparts- and surprisingly, their former kind of had it right.
Virgins back in the day: Virginity was the status quo and that’s why there wasn’t really a perfect picture of what a virgin looked like. All women were supposed to be virgins so the modest, chaste representations associated with virginity were modeled by virgins and non-virgins alike.
Virgins today: Modern men have a few extremely different conceptions of what a virgin is. They’re mostly all based on popular culture and widespread assumptions about female sexuality and relationships.

The Bible Thumping Virgin
When I’m asked why I’m a virgin- people often assume that it’s because of my religious beliefs (maybe because I’m brown). This is partially true- my heritage has strongly influenced my relations with men but it doesn’t really effect my decision to date anyone.
Girls in this class are off limits to the average guy. He figures that she’s saving it for marriage and that he doesn’t have a chance at all.

The Feminist Virgin
He doesn’t think he has a chance with this one either. After all, she hates men. That’s why she doesn’t want to give it up to one, right? (she’s probably a lesbian anyway)

The Ugly/Fat Virgin
Of course he wouldn’t want this one… and it explains why no one else would want her either. This is the one who “looks like a virgin”.

The Socially Inept Geekvirgin
Well, she’s a hermit and she never leaves so she obviously can’t find any men to have sex with. He figures she’s probably doable if she gets a little drunk and since female geeks are obviously petite (not much time to eat food when they’re busy programming computers), they could be a good lay (albeit inexperienced).

The Hot Virgin
Welcome to the virgin they have all been waiting for. Beautiful, pure, adoring, doe-eyed and ready to give it up to a worthy male. Guys love fantasizing about this sort of virgin (since she’d immediately recognize them as a worthy male). She’s gorgeous, STD-free and willing to follow directions like a puppy. Isn’t that what every guy dreams of?

The virgin reality check: So to all those wondering about what a virgin looks like, guess what? None of the above.
Virgins look like any other girl (blonde, brunette, pretty, ugly, chubby, skinny), act like any other girl (flirty, shy, outgoing, brave, adventurous, prudish) , are interested in different things (hiking, reading, clubbing, anime, drinking) and haven’t lost it yet for different reasons (wrong guys, too concentrated on school/work/dance, have body image problems, never got that far).
We all have different levels of sexual experiences and different ideas about what our virginity means to us. You can’t tell whether I’m a virgin or not by looking at your face just like I can’t tell your penis size by measuring the gap between your forefinger and thumb. So can we stop with all the stereotyping?

Regretting the V-loss

There was a post today on one of my favourite websites about losing your virginity and regretting it that I wanted to share with you
Out of the two dozen people that I’ve talked to in person, I only know of a few who actually enjoyed it and wouldn’t have done it any other way. Like I’ve said before, my “virginity problem” consists of more than just my physical virginity itself, however, I’m not totally immune to the process in which I’ll eventually lose it. I just hope it will be bearable.
Anyway, the author goes through a pretty emotionally wrecking experience and I feel badly for her or anyone who has gone through anything similar.

I don’t need a man to feel bad about myself and my body

Poetic abstract:
As I tweeted recently, I have the tendency to put all my eggs in someone else’s basket. Well, I’m doing a step better. I’m putting eggs into a basket that never really belonged to me and now it belongs to someone else. So I’m essentially eggless and chasing after someone else’s basket like that psycho running after you trying to snatch away those 70% off Christian Louboutin’s you managed to snag on Black Friday.

The situation:
Last you guys heard about Frodo, we had danced (which happened in early November) and then I didn’t hear from him again bar Facebook party invite. Nutshell version
-  Virtual silence on that front until the end of December. He skipped out on a party he knew I was going to because apparently he was hanging out with a girl.
- I saw him a week later at a mutual friend’s house. We didn’t talk too much and he left early.
- He skipped out on the New Year’s party that myself and all his friends were going to so he could spend time with that girl.
- I saw him this weekend at an event I’m going to call the climax.

The predicament:
A week or two after the dance, I went out partying with my (male) best friend, Doubles. Doubles and I are virtually incompatible but our friends love to throw us together. He’s a pretty good looking guy and I love taking photos with him because it makes me look good (there, I said it). Unfortunately, quite a few pictures made it on Facebook and they looked prettyromantic.
Now remember, before realizing this, I just chalked up Frodo’s silence to him being disinterested in me. Furthermore, that second meeting with Frodo (where he left early), occurred after he had starting seeing that girl, probably furthered the Me+Doubles=Couple theory because Doubles was there (depressed and drunk) and I spent most of the night making him feel better which came off looking badly because I was hugging him etc. My bad.

The climax:
Frodo is at a friend’s house this weekend where we’re all hanging out. I walk in and sit next to him. We laugh and joke like the first day we met (except there’s a little tension- because upon entrance, he was accosted with questions about his girl)… and some of my friends start bugging me about Doubles. I laugh and politely let them know there wasn’t a chance in hell we’d go out. Frodo inquires if Doubles was the guy he saw previously and I reply in the affirmative. He says “You’re not dating him?” and I say no and turn away to respond to a friend. The remainder of the conversation goes smoothly. I know he’s interested in what I’m saying because he’s fully responding to me and laughing at my jokes. We say good bye in an awkward way (I don’t know whether it was me or him or what).
The next day, I see him and this girl holding hands at the mall.

My epiphany:
So this is how it works, I have about three options that I pondered over (in order) and settled with the last one.
1) Frodo did like me but he thought I was dating Doubles
It was a good option. But would he really make such conclusions based on photographs on Facebook? Well possibly… if he even saw them? But wouldn’t you try harder if you really liked a girl? (he is not shy).
Where (1) leads me: Nowhere. Unless he breaks up with this girl, I don’t have a chance. And this idea is flimsy anyway so on to option 2…
2) Frodo never liked me.
This is also a good option. I am not nearly as smart or clever. Maybe I’m not sophisticated enough for him. But why would he be so interested in everything I have to say? Why would he laugh at my jokes? Suggest to me that we all go bowling together? Seem so. Damn. Interested. If he doesn’t like me romantically, he’d at least like me as a friend.
Where (2) leads me: Also nowhere. If he doesn’t like me romantically, he doesn’t like me romantically. But why? Why can he think I’m interesting but not want to date me…
3) I am too fat for Frodo.
Yes, I’m not overweight anymore but 140 lbs on a 5’5″ girl isn’t usually the definition of a bombshell. I look good. I look way better than I looked before… but I don’t look hot. Not more than average hot. Everyone denies it and pretends that looks don’t count “as long as you’re not morbidly obese” but we all know that’s not true, is it?
Where (3) leads me: Getting my ass into shape and being that girl that Frodo (or any other good guy wants).

The conclusion:
Okay, so some of you may think I want to lose more weight for the wrong reasons but I want to calm your conscience and let you know that it’s not entirely for Frodo’s sake that I’m doing this. It’s for my own.
I have standards in men. And I hope these men have standards too. Without being a hypocrite, I can’t have these expectations without providing something tangible in exchange. Of course, we could say that I shouldn’t have to- my personality should be enough, right? But that’s a little hypocritical because theoretically, I should have been able to stay at 200 lbs and be able to find a great guy who is fit, loves literature, has his life together, is interested in politics, had beautiful brown curls and loves me as I am… but that didn’t happen, did it? So what’s to say that a guy like him should settle for a girl like me even if I am 60 lbs lighter? Well… nothing.
I’ve been overweight all my life and I always imagined that after losing weight, my life would be perfect with the perfect boyfriend and the perfect job and the perfect skinny jeans… but that didn’t happen. It isn’t that easy and it isn’t enough.
I see my friends in relationships and even hooking up with cute, interesting men… who show zero interest in me. See, I’ve always been the optimist (I told myself I looked good in my size 20 pants when I was bulging out) so I’m very critical of my perception of the world. Like, why is it that I feel men have been paying attention to me but nothing comes of it? Possibly because they weren’t into me in the first place.
So there we go, this is my solution. Losing more weight. Maybe it still won’t help me get Frodo or any guy at all but at least I won’t feel like crying every time I look at the mirror.

http://girlslashwoman.wordpress.com/2010/10/31/so-any-boys-in-your-life-i-can-actually-answer-that-with-a-yes-this-time/