I don’t need a man to feel bad about myself and my body

Poetic abstract:
As I tweeted recently, I have the tendency to put all my eggs in someone else’s basket. Well, I’m doing a step better. I’m putting eggs into a basket that never really belonged to me and now it belongs to someone else. So I’m essentially eggless and chasing after someone else’s basket like that psycho running after you trying to snatch away those 70% off Christian Louboutin’s you managed to snag on Black Friday.

The situation:
Last you guys heard about Frodo, we had danced (which happened in early November) and then I didn’t hear from him again bar Facebook party invite. Nutshell version
-  Virtual silence on that front until the end of December. He skipped out on a party he knew I was going to because apparently he was hanging out with a girl.
- I saw him a week later at a mutual friend’s house. We didn’t talk too much and he left early.
- He skipped out on the New Year’s party that myself and all his friends were going to so he could spend time with that girl.
- I saw him this weekend at an event I’m going to call the climax.

The predicament:
A week or two after the dance, I went out partying with my (male) best friend, Doubles. Doubles and I are virtually incompatible but our friends love to throw us together. He’s a pretty good looking guy and I love taking photos with him because it makes me look good (there, I said it). Unfortunately, quite a few pictures made it on Facebook and they looked prettyromantic.
Now remember, before realizing this, I just chalked up Frodo’s silence to him being disinterested in me. Furthermore, that second meeting with Frodo (where he left early), occurred after he had starting seeing that girl, probably furthered the Me+Doubles=Couple theory because Doubles was there (depressed and drunk) and I spent most of the night making him feel better which came off looking badly because I was hugging him etc. My bad.

The climax:
Frodo is at a friend’s house this weekend where we’re all hanging out. I walk in and sit next to him. We laugh and joke like the first day we met (except there’s a little tension- because upon entrance, he was accosted with questions about his girl)… and some of my friends start bugging me about Doubles. I laugh and politely let them know there wasn’t a chance in hell we’d go out. Frodo inquires if Doubles was the guy he saw previously and I reply in the affirmative. He says “You’re not dating him?” and I say no and turn away to respond to a friend. The remainder of the conversation goes smoothly. I know he’s interested in what I’m saying because he’s fully responding to me and laughing at my jokes. We say good bye in an awkward way (I don’t know whether it was me or him or what).
The next day, I see him and this girl holding hands at the mall.

My epiphany:
So this is how it works, I have about three options that I pondered over (in order) and settled with the last one.
1) Frodo did like me but he thought I was dating Doubles
It was a good option. But would he really make such conclusions based on photographs on Facebook? Well possibly… if he even saw them? But wouldn’t you try harder if you really liked a girl? (he is not shy).
Where (1) leads me: Nowhere. Unless he breaks up with this girl, I don’t have a chance. And this idea is flimsy anyway so on to option 2…
2) Frodo never liked me.
This is also a good option. I am not nearly as smart or clever. Maybe I’m not sophisticated enough for him. But why would he be so interested in everything I have to say? Why would he laugh at my jokes? Suggest to me that we all go bowling together? Seem so. Damn. Interested. If he doesn’t like me romantically, he’d at least like me as a friend.
Where (2) leads me: Also nowhere. If he doesn’t like me romantically, he doesn’t like me romantically. But why? Why can he think I’m interesting but not want to date me…
3) I am too fat for Frodo.
Yes, I’m not overweight anymore but 140 lbs on a 5’5″ girl isn’t usually the definition of a bombshell. I look good. I look way better than I looked before… but I don’t look hot. Not more than average hot. Everyone denies it and pretends that looks don’t count “as long as you’re not morbidly obese” but we all know that’s not true, is it?
Where (3) leads me: Getting my ass into shape and being that girl that Frodo (or any other good guy wants).

The conclusion:
Okay, so some of you may think I want to lose more weight for the wrong reasons but I want to calm your conscience and let you know that it’s not entirely for Frodo’s sake that I’m doing this. It’s for my own.
I have standards in men. And I hope these men have standards too. Without being a hypocrite, I can’t have these expectations without providing something tangible in exchange. Of course, we could say that I shouldn’t have to- my personality should be enough, right? But that’s a little hypocritical because theoretically, I should have been able to stay at 200 lbs and be able to find a great guy who is fit, loves literature, has his life together, is interested in politics, had beautiful brown curls and loves me as I am… but that didn’t happen, did it? So what’s to say that a guy like him should settle for a girl like me even if I am 60 lbs lighter? Well… nothing.
I’ve been overweight all my life and I always imagined that after losing weight, my life would be perfect with the perfect boyfriend and the perfect job and the perfect skinny jeans… but that didn’t happen. It isn’t that easy and it isn’t enough.
I see my friends in relationships and even hooking up with cute, interesting men… who show zero interest in me. See, I’ve always been the optimist (I told myself I looked good in my size 20 pants when I was bulging out) so I’m very critical of my perception of the world. Like, why is it that I feel men have been paying attention to me but nothing comes of it? Possibly because they weren’t into me in the first place.
So there we go, this is my solution. Losing more weight. Maybe it still won’t help me get Frodo or any guy at all but at least I won’t feel like crying every time I look at the mirror.

http://girlslashwoman.wordpress.com/2010/10/31/so-any-boys-in-your-life-i-can-actually-answer-that-with-a-yes-this-time/