Involuntary Celibacy

So I’m not really sure if you’ve heard about this but a month or two ago, I was virgin-post hunting and ended up stumbling on something pretty interesting.
I’ll post bits and pieces from the Wikipedia page but I highly suggest actually reading up on it yourself.

Involuntary celibacy is the absence in human sexuality of intimate relationships or sexual intercourse for reasons other than voluntary celibacy, asexuality, antisexualism, or sexual abstinence… [it] describes those who, despite being open to sexual intimacy and potential romance with someone and also making active, repeated efforts towards such an end, cannot cause any such end(s) to occur with any significant degree of regularity—or even at all… First, it is a pattern-like, semi-perpetual condition that cannot seem to improve despite concentrated effort of the affected individual towards improving sex appeal and social skills to try to attract sexual partners. Second, involuntarily celibate individuals are at a complete or near-complete lack for intimate physical connection for very long spans of time—years and even sometimes decades, not merely weeks or months—and are also at a complete or near-complete lack of opportunities for sexual advancement in the first place, thereby making betterment of their own sexuality through accumulation of “sexual experience” impossible… most incels, based on inquests by researchers into the population, are not especially physically unattractive, and most resemble in an interpersonal sense their peers who are not involuntarily celibate.

There is a forum for incels (involuntary celibates) located over here. It takes a few days for the administrators to approve your account for posting but you can read some posts while waiting. Although most of the demographic seem to be male, women can be involuntary celibate too (did I really need to say that?).
What I find really interesting is some of the resources that have been posted up. For instance:
1.  A link to Dan Savage’s advice for losing your virginity later in life
2. The incel’s guide to seeking therapy
3. And the best one of all success stories
Anyway, I think everyone should take the time to check it out. There’s some good stuff there.

21 responses to “Involuntary Celibacy

  1. Just had a quick look at the forum, it’s looks good, thanks for the link. I suspect I’ll probably spend quite some time browsing round it. The guide to losing your virginity later in life sounds particularly interesting as I have to confess I have actually googled things like “how to have sex for the first time in your 30s”.

  2. interesting forum! I’ve never been a fan of forums but I read a few of the posts there. I’m always conflicted when I wonder if I would be considered an involuntary or voluntary virgin. To an extent it’s involuntary (of course I would love to have a boyfriend who I could be sleeping with) but girls like you and I are strongly voluntary virgins as well because if we weren’t we could’ve just done it with just any of the guys who wanted to just hook up with us– but we choose to wait for someone more special. So I’d like to think that I’m waiting voluntary haha ;)

  3. katya: not to worry, i kinda did similar googling too before haha!

    s212 brings up good points on whether it’s involuntary or voluntary. i think most involuntary virgins are in fact somewhat “voluntary” ‘coz they just didn’t want to give it away to any ole rubbish guy.

  4. My WordPress app actually worked this time and sent me your comments so I had a little time to stew over them before responding :)
    Come on, we know we’ve all googled the crap out of late virginity… but if you guys actually have found something worthwhile, please share! Mostly I end up with a bunch of porn sites (yay).
    S212 & Jo: When I first read what you had to say about the voluntary/involuntary aspect- it seemed obvious to me that I was a voluntary celibate… but after thinking about it, I don’t think it’s all that simple. The involuntary celibate is usually male- I think that’s the line. Not all men can just go out and get laid like we can. However, they do have the option to buy sex which indicates that all involuntary celibates aren’t completely unable to have sex. At any point, both sexes could have sexual intercourse (through either random hook ups or prostitutes).
    After evaluating what incel actually is, I’ve realized that it focuses on the human connection along with the sexual connection. Here are some key words in the description that stuck to me:
    Involuntary celibacy is the absence in human sexuality of intimate relationships or sexual intercourse for reasons other than voluntary celibacy, asexuality, antisexualism, or sexual abstinence… [it] describes those who, despite being open to sexual intimacy and potential romance with someone and also making active, repeated efforts towards such an end, cannot cause any such end(s) to occur with any significant degree of regularity—or even at all…
    So basically, I could go have sex with a random guy while another incel could have sex with a prostitute… but that defeats the purpose.
    I don’t really know if my understanding of this is very clear but I think that’s generally what it’s about.

  5. Finaly i found what i wanted.

  6. “However, they do have the option to buy sex which indicates that all involuntary celibates aren’t completely unable to have sex. ”

    Careful there GW it depends on the state and the legality of prostitution, you are also forgetting that not all prostitutes reciprocate just because you given them money (rolling a john). So men don’t have the option to truly buy sex depending on the state their in. So don’t be quick to assume men can get sex that easily without breaking the law and putting themselves and others in risk.

    Also keep in mind a man desperate for sex is a turn of for many women they bodies give signals that show signs of sexual desperation in turn the woman will subconsciously judge that man and question his sexual worthiness. Where as desperate women can get sex very easily providing they don’t shoot too high (aka a marriage rich man in a BMW) but will lack the romance.

    But incel truly means you can’t have sex (the act of sexual intercourse) because no one wants to have sex with you, NOT you can’t have a romantic feelings or relationships which you can easily without sex for short periods of time or even long periods.

  7. I don’t know dsawden, I feel like everyone has different definitions about what being an incel actually is and, generally, I do believe that I fit into the category.

  8. I fit the category of incel. I’m only interested in being with women I’m really attracted to. I need to admire their beauty and character. If one of those qualities is lacking it’s a no go. I’m not easy. And yes I’m a guy, and with extremely low mileage, though I’m good in the department of making love, but apparently not very good in the attraction department with the women I’m interested in, – the beauties.

  9. “I feel like everyone has different definitions about what being an incel actually is ”

    I understand what you mean when you say you fit in that catergory thats because your confusing celibacy with involuntary celibacy. And the people that do this aren’t real incels they just think they are because they’ve set too high standards.

    Incel simply means unable to have sex because you can’t. You don’t have the choice to have sex because it isn’t available to you. The option of romance and additional dimensions are irrelevant this is simply the basic act of sex if you can get everything from romance, love closeness etc and not get sex YOU ARE still not getting sex period.

    G/W the fact that you say you can get sex means you are not an incel sorry to break it to you it yes it defeats the purpose of calling yourself an incel but who on earth would want to be an incel? not be able to have sex as an option? seriously?.

    Think of it like starving an incel is like someone who can’t get food whereas you sound like someone who can’t seem to get “good” food. And yes there are women who have this problem too, perhaps a bad reputation, unattractiveness, mental problems that perhaps scare men away from initmacy. So i wouldn’t be so quick to expand and confuse this clear definition its insulting to the people who suffer it.

    Like Jo before you said. “i think most involuntary virgins are in fact somewhat “voluntary” ‘coz they just didn’t want to give it away to any ole rubbish guy.”

    These people are posers they only thing stopping them getting sex is themselves because they CHOOSE to. A perfect example of involuntary celibacy would be a secluded prisoner on maximum security who isnt allowed any initmate contact with anyone they have no choice. Thats the difference a celibate has the choice an incel doesn’t its the opposite there are no fine lines. Like Fasting and Starvation.

  10. I still stand by it and I’ll explain why.
    If we use your definition, then no one is an incel except for people who live in solitary conditions (such as a maximum security inmate) including yourself. I know the opposite to be true because, as I’ve found out recently, incels are abundant in society.
    Like I said before, a male incel could hire a prostitute to have sex (or drive to a state where it’s legal or find a “rubbish” girl if they don’t want to drive) just like I could sleep with any “rubbish guy” so either way all incels can get food but we can’t get “good” food. To say that you can only by incel if you can’t find anyone to have sex with is misleading. I’m sure tons of male incels have been in the presence of women who would sleep with them whether they know it or not- I can bet on that. It’s just that they can’t find it in them to approach these women or start interactions with them. So they’re not incels either?
    I really think the problem is that our definitions lies in gender differences. For you, it seems like incel is about not having sex and nothing else. For me, incel is about not having sex from a lack of ability to communicate and relate to the opposite sex.
    The truth of the matter is that I’m not comfortable with meeting men. I’m not comfortable with communicating with them in romantic contexts no matter how badly I want to. It’s not even that I’m not comfortable- when it comes down to it, I am physically unable to even hold the eye contact for a man who I find attractive.
    I’m a little disturbed that you think that by celibacy is a result of my “high standards” because I don’t think finding a person I share a mutual attraction with is a high standard. I’d say that this is what most incels look for.
    If you want to brand me as a voluntary celibate, that’s your prerogative. But as far as I’m concerned, I am an incel. I derive meaning from being one, I can relate to other incels and the information that they find helps me as well.

  11. NonmysteriousStranger

    G\W, seriously, anyone? Here’s my story then.
    I’m 25. I’m a virgin. I can’t get anyone to have sex with me. I live in Saint-Petersburg, Russia and barely make ends meet with my meager income. I can’t afford the prostitutes that post their ads online and I don’t have the connections to get in touch with the ones who charge less.
    I’ve been actively trying to relieve my incel since I was 20, but women have consistently rejected me because I just happen to be ugly, disfigured and physically weak due to a chronic illness which I can’t treat because I can’t pay for even a diagnosis. So which part am I missing? What can I do to have sex?

    As for female celibacy being a voluntary thing… well, I when I was still in university, there was a girl in my group who weighed around 300 pounds, smelled and was a complete mess socially. I was in the same group with her for two years and during that time she went through three boyfriends. If you really wanted to alleviate your celibacy, you would easily get laid with almost any guy you wanted. But you don’t. Your standards are more important to you and I can respect that. What I can’t respect is the way you’re grabbing for pity by claiming to be involuntarily celibate. You know, it’s a long shot but it can be argued that the world, god or whatever owes one a sexual partner, but there is no way in hell it owes one a sexual partner of a certain level of attractiveness. Realize that by doing this, you’re actively diminishing the value of the problems people like me face. You are hurting us.

  12. “What I can’t respect is the way you’re grabbing for pity by claiming to be involuntarily celibate.”
    It’s clear that you’re the one who is grabbing for pity. I’m the one who is trying to work through my own problems and I have sympathy for anyone going through the same. I’ve never claimed to be in a better or worse situation than anyone else. And frankly, I don’t need to defend my incel status from you.

  13. Wow. Some of these comments are clearly making incorrect assumptions and some have just been insensitive.

    I am female, 38, well-educated, intelligent, funny, gainfully-employed, kind, reasonably attractive. I am an excellent cook. I donate my time and money to charitable causes. I have friends and hobbies. I own my own home. Honestly, I’m not a bad catch. But I am still a virgin.

    I have been on three dates in my life. Let me be clear: it’s not because I’m too picky. I just don’t get asked. It’s not about my choices; it’s about my (lack of) opportunities. Nothing about this is *consciously* voluntary. I would love nothing more than to be married, have a family. But that option has never (NEVER) presented itself to me.

  14. Allegra, you summed it up beautifully.

  15. Pingback: Is it over? Am I finally comfortable with men? Is my virginity next? | The Virgin Side of Life

  16. sergio algarme

    ! every day i wake thirsty all day i thirst, ever seeking fresh water to cool my parched cracked lips……the sun beats relentlessly, i wander on ever seeking, through this vast deseert, no reliefe in sight…no shade, just the mercelest thirst, hunger is my companion, lonliness my consort, i glimps the shimmering of water, i reach out.. i run, giving every last ditch effort, herculean feats of strenght and will done with no expectation of award , open heart racing, open mind fully accepting, allowing, manifesting, doing, not doing, caring, not caring, every concievable act or non act, every last route exaughested, worn raged, bloodied, just one last step, its just there they say in abundance,,, i believe,,, i believe,,, I reach out, its just at my finger tips glimmering, fresh, cool, just gotta believe enough and it will manifest,, my tattered fingers reach out in love,and grattitude. at long last i have found a spring,trembling i sip from the spring, to drink,…. but its gone, the mirage just a taunting reminder, i wander on ever seeking,,, my parched lips cracked and bleeding, the sun beating down relentlessly.

  17. Incel is more of a male problem than a female one. I have roughly had 5 one-night stands. I would have like to have gone and had a relationship but that’s not going to happen now.

    And by the way incel refers to someone who hasn’t had intimate contact for a six months or decades not virgins and most certainly not by choice.

    Personally at the moment I’m unemployed passed forty and no longer give a fuck for other peoples opinon. When and if I can get employment I don’t see why I should bother with woman and all thier baggage when I can afford a prostitute. After all I was left on the shelf so why should I put with some whiney bitch and her off spring.

    The problem is peoples expectations of other people are too high and unrealistic, males are suppose to have a car, a good salary and a 20 inch cock.

    I believe in equal rights but now males castrated by those that they are suppose to love and on the whole ignored or stigmatised if they do not pass an imagined mustard.

    Personally when I was younger I believed that things would work out. But now I just see it for the crappy bullshit it really is.

  18. I respect your opinion but I completely disagree with most of it. However, I’m not going to spend any additional time discussing equality rights with men who are jaded with their life experiences and believe it gives them grounds to detest woman as a whole. The subject has been argued exhaustively. Good luck with everything.

  19. I’m too tired to respond to everything that you’ve said here. And I believe it’s all been said before.
    Whether or not you want to believe it is totally up to you. Only you can help yourself.

  20. 43 year old female incel here. I don’t know how to express how painful and damaging this is. The shame is overwhelming. So I cope by overcompensating in other areas of my life.

    I am not anti-social and I am not uncomfortable with men. On the contrary, I love them and work successfully in a male dominated field. And no one has any idea, other than me being the only gal not bringing a partner to work events.

    I’m sure everyone thinks this is a choice and it is not. It is the greatest source of pain in my life. I have had sex once. Once. It’s bewildering, it’s overwhelming, it’s mystifying. It’s unimaginable. I’ve tried tentatively discussing with my closest friends, and all I get is told how it is my own fault. So I keep it to myself.

    The only thing I have ever wanted is to love and be loved in return. I wanted a partner and wanted children. I realize my window of opportunity is about to close, and find it intolerable. I keep hoping my life will change and trying different things and all I do is continue to fail. How long can a person be expected to keep hope alive? Decades? Who has a positive spirit that strong?

    And as painful as this is for me as a woman, it must be doubly so for a man, with the ridiculous pressure society puts on them.

    I know how this will end. And yes, I am in therapy. I have been for five years. I am with a new therapist now, and no, they don’t know how to handle it. It is largely ignored by the psych community. And it is ridiculously damaging. I wonder how many suicides have to do with Incel? I suspect more than anyone realizes. I hope I will not be one of them, but I see now how this is a quality of life issue. How long should I be expected to go on? What is the point? To make others feel better? It’s not enough any more.

    Let me be clear about this: Incels are not incel because they are depressed. They are depressed because they are incel. They are living a life they never wanted and cannot change on their own. They are prisoners.

  21. Not everyone has the option to buy sex.
    Not all types of sex are even available on the sex market.
    The market is created for men, and all the women hookers are feminine. Basically what is available on the market is: feminine woman hookers of varying ethnicities, gay male hookers, “tranny” hookers (male bodied with female gender/makeup). But here’s something you probably never thought of: There is NO butch woman, or female to male(female body with male gender) trans sex available on the market.

    Just so happens that I’m only attracted to butch women . Butch women hookers do not exist. The feminine hookers do not have the right gender expression for me to be attracted.(Imagine how the average straight woman would be turned off by effeminacy in her man. For me, I’m turned off by effeminacy in my butch woman)
    Therefore, I’ve proved that not everyone can get a prostitute(especially if female: the sex market doesn’t cater to women customers), and that female incel exists (If you are a lesbian, anyways. Women are JUST as rejecting to other women as they are to men! None of us are good enough for each other!)

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