Ch-ch-ch-changes

I went to a party last night and Astronomer was there. Everyone had told me he was a try-hard but he never acted that way when he was with me. He acted like a try-hard at the party. I barely talked to him. It was disgusting. Instead, I spent my time hitting on a girl. At the last moment, I realized that I couldn’t follow through. But you know, everyone heard about it. I am a little embarrassed but mostly because I was never really attracted to her- I was just bored. Astronomer was acting weird and the people there were very pretentious. I felt uncomfortable… and foolish. It was a waste of a night.
Six Pack texted me for the first time since we hooked up. Some vague comment about nothing whatsoever. He probably just sent it to validate his existence as a part of my life.
Anyway, I’m here because I thought I’d hit up my last few valentine’s day posts in respect to the occasion
2009 – I booked a hotel room for myself and a friend. Then we called a few guys over. We got super high and drunk, didn’t make out with any of them. Although I remember that I was attracted to one of them- I didn’t feel confident enough to give it a shot and, besides that, I weighed about 195 lbs. These boys were just out of high school. They weren’t into me, to say the least.
2010 – I went to Vegas. Best v-day ever.
2011 – I encouraged you all to celebrate valentine’s day despite your single status. Nothing was really going on for me but I managed to post twice in one day and link a bunch of articles about loving yourself.
The last post was right. I have always loved valentine’s day. For some reason, I haven’t fully embraced it this year (I did mail cards to all my friends though). I don’t know, I guess making out with all these people proved to me that I was attractive… now I feel like I don’t have to try so hard to not care that I’m unattractive. I feel beaten… and bored. I don’t have anyone to crush on right now and I’ve realized that that’s another constant in my life.
I love loving people. I love daydreaming about them and thinking of them and wondering what they’re like and being awed over the way they think and talk and act and breathe. With all the guys I’ve liked, I used to think about them all the time.  I have no one to pine over right now. It bores me and makes me feel lost.
How am I supposed to be experiencing unrequited love if I’m not in love? That’s a foreign concept to me. There are no guys out here that I’m interested in. I was hoping to meet one at the party but Astronomer ruined all of that by showing up.
Anyway, this post is a little useless. I’m just trying to get my thoughts together. I just want someone to walk into my life right now and interest me enough to actually want to get with them. That’s not happening.
P.S. Happy V-Day!

Is it over? Am I finally comfortable with men? Is my virginity next?

First of all, I hooked up with someone else last night. What is happening to me??
Back when I was here two years ago, I was at my highest weight point. I befriended two of my best friend’s male friends and we all became pretty tight. The problem was that one of these boys (I call him Six Pack… it should be obvious why) was an ex-boyfriend of another close friend (who I had stopped talking to). I’ve never been one for leftovers and, as I’ve discussed before, I feel weird feeling that way about my friends’ boyfriends and ex-boyfriends. We were continually flirting back then.
Fast forward to this trip and I’m about 70 lbs lighter. The flirty thing is still going on and last time, after the disaster date, he made me feel better (we cuddled all night). I knew he wanted to kiss me but I was feeling upset about the date so I avoided it. I also know that my best friend hooked up with him in December so that was a turn off.
Last night, I liquored myself up pretty well and basically threw myself at him (he was sober). He’s a known player and I didn’t see any harm in it. He asked me how often I’d thought of us together. I lied by telling him it was twice. Then he told me he wanted to take me to his place- at which point I disclosed that I was a virgin and that I’d only ever made out with a handful of people. He was a little shocked about my sexual inexperience. Later, he asked me if I thought I’d ever let him go further. I told him I might but it would take time (time that I don’t really have). To be truthful, I might have let him go further. I’ve always told myself that if I’d never have a chance to do it with a lover, I’d do it with a friend. My best friend was close by though and she told him that he couldn’t take me home for the v-card reason.
He took it well. He backed off a little… I didn’t really let him. I was literally kissing him whenever someone wasn’t looking. But I ran away from the goodbye kiss for no reason whatsoever. I still think of him as a really good friend. Or, I’m trying to anyway.
The problem is that Six Pack and I don’t really have a future. I can’t take him seriously and he won’t go for me. The actual kissing was the best of the lot. My friend told me that he was an okay kisser. I thought he was great. Maybe it had something to do with all the sexual tension that’s been building up.
So anyway, back to were we started… I am not myself.
Look at me. This is my third makeout session in the past two weeks. I usually go years without experiencing any intimacy whatsoever. I can count the times I’ve touched lips with a guy on my fingers. I’m serious. I listed them for you guys.
This is where I was at a few months ago. Hell, not even in May, this is how I felt last month. I’m the girl who gets no action whatsoever ever. So what’s happening? What has changed?
I don’t know but what I do know at least is that I’m comfortable with kissing. I’ve always cut short kisses with men because I thought I don’t know how to make out. Now I know that I do although I think I may be too rough- both the Astronomer and Six Pack said it. So maybe I need to be more gentle and let the guy take the lead but… I’ll end it with the details there. Point: I don’t feel as nervous about the concept of making out… which is mind blowing to me! If you told me around Christmastime that I could make out with a guy and it would be nothing, I wouldn’t have believed you. I mean really? Could I have defeated the social cue demon? I can only dare to hope.
My worry is that this is happening because I’m in a different country. I’m afraid that this may be the case. I’m afraid that I’ll go home and I’ll be loveless again. I’m afraid that I’m still not attractive enough and that this is just a phase. Because when you look at it, all but one of the times I’ve hooked up with someone, I was on vacation. I really hope it’s more than that. I hope this is a life changer.
What I do know is that I am considering my incel status not applicable anymore… for now, at least.

G/W makes out (and she’s not embarrassed)

So for the second Saturday night in a row, I have engaged in random making out. And it doesn’t make me cringe when I think about it! Guess what, guys, if you haven’t been following my blog… this is a first!
I have never not felt embarassed after making out with a boy.
Anyway, this was a friend of a friend who I’ve hung out with a few times. He is absolutely hilarious, a little nerdy, kind of cute and we were just sitting on the couch while two of our other friends were making out.
He said, let’s make out.
I said, okay.
And so we made out. And made out. And made out.
And it was good. I only drew away twice (which is not unheard of because kissing makes me panic and run away) and he was a fairly good kisser (I know I say fairly good even though I have limited experience with kissing but I enjoyed myself). Things did get heated once or twice but every time that happened, one of us eased up. The great thing was that he didn’t tell me how hot or sexy he thought I was and instead, we jibed each other about facial hair and brushing our teeth (yes, I brushed my teeth beforehand and made him brush his before I let him kiss me. Whatever).
So yeah, it made me feel a lot better about douchebag from last weekend (btw thanks for your supportive comments guys). What I liked is that I’m a little into him but not totally into him (usually I start with the elaborate fantasies about him and me and baby makes three- but this time I’ve had that fantasy once and it was more like an afterthought rather than an actually fantasy).
Regardless of whether or not this will happen again or not, I’m okay with what happened and I could care less either way.
I feel like a teenager. But I finally get it. Making out is fun.
P.S. Updates on Frodo. At a mutual friend’s party a few months ago, he admitted that he thought I was attractive and basically implied that he wanted to make out with me. I didn’t bite. The next time I saw him, he was chasing some skirt (who I was gracious enough to help him out with). Anyway, it didn’t work out with her.  Right before leaving for here, we ended up meeting for drinks and I told him that I used to like him but that I stopped after he did [blank action]. Segue into a three hour long drunken conversation about the meaning of life and how he claims that he doesn’t really feel that strongly about [blank action]. I finally choked and let him know that regardless of popular belief, I was a virgin and that I had never really planned on one-knighting him. He looked a little relieved? Confused? I don’t know? The realization that I wasn’t going to kiss him dawned on him, I guess. We awkward-turtle hugged. He left. I got on a plane 24 hours later with indefinite plans about when I’d be returning. I think that’s the end of myself and Frodo (unless he feels like pursuing me when I get home which I have qualms about but who knows).
P.P.S. I’ve sorted out the page concerning the history of my love life (lol) to clear all this stuff up