Trying to be someone else…

So, as I said in the previous post, Frodo emailed me back a few hours after I sent him a shout. I initially didn’t reply for a day and a half. I had to study and his e-mail was too philosophical for me to send a brief reply to. Plus, I didn’t want to try to communicate with him every day- I made that mistake with the Lawyer. I wanted Frodo to wait before emailing me so that we could talk to each other intermittently without putting too much pressure on replies. This worked for the first half of the day, he didn’t e-mail me back right away. I felt like I had a good thing going. But by tonight, I was a wreck! And it has only been 26 hours since I sent him that last email. The feelings of insecurity have come flooding back. Now I’m questioning my motives in dealing with him in that way- I’ve always been straightforward and that’s why (I think) he likes me. And here I’m trying to play games, holding out when I really did have a good reply that I could have sent right away. I should have done that, shouldn’t I?
Why am I acting so crazy right now. I hate when I get like this.

I messaged Lawyer on Saturday to ask him how he was. He replied and said he was sick of his job etc etc but then didn’t reply to my follow up message which was disheartening but I don’t even know why I care anymore or why I let him effect me in this way. I’m too vulnerable. I shouldn’t care what he thinks.
But rejection is hard. Especially since I don’t know what my friends have told him about my feelings.

I feel like I need to take some proactive steps in being happy with myself without men in the picture. I feel like I was very close to getting there but then guys started becoming interested in me and I let it go to the wind.
Everyone thinks I’m so self assured and independent but they don’t realize that I’m not like that at all. I obsess over these stupid boys who don’t mean anything in the long run. I’m still that little insecure fat girl who is begging for attention. This needs to end. I need to be happy with myself… especially now that I have this great opportunity to start my life anew. I need to proactively stop thinking about Frodo and Lawyer and make some serious strides towards being self confident. I need to know who I am before finding someone else.
God, this seems like such a big epiphany. How did I not realize it until I wrote this post? I forgot how therapeutic this blog is.

I really want you guys to watch this movie. It’s become one of my favourites. The story is about a marine who meets a quasi-nerdy hippie chick who wants love in her life but remains steadfast in her beliefs. She doesn’t change to make herself seem more attractive. He’s attracted to her spirit.

Note: It really reminds me of myself when I’m with Frodo. I used to try to impress him by being interested in the things that he was interested in. Once I gave that up and started acting like myself, he started wanting to hang out with me. Now I’m struggling with remaining true to myself when all my instincts are telling me to conform to his beliefs.
This film is so inspiring.

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8 responses to “Trying to be someone else…

  1. It’s really true that you can’t be happy being with someone else until you are happy with yourself. You have to know what makes you happy and fulfill that by yourself first. It makes sense..how can you be a part of a twosome if you can’t be solo? Take the time you need. Focus on yourself.

  2. I hope you continue to be yourself. For better or worse it is who you are become the person you want to be.

  3. You are a good and funny writer!
    Men are like trees in the forest. You have to look and observe them to tell what and which is to your liking. If you concentrate on looking at yourself and worry about yourself, you will certainly miss the observing part and that means you won’t be able to find the exact tree, sorry man, to your liking.

    What would you look in a tree then?
    Well, does it have good trunk? That sometimes but not always tells the core, the heart and soul is good too. Does it have strong branches, strong shoulders to carry any harms and difficulties? Does it bend in high winds or is it too rigid and will break. Ability to stick in storms is also due to good roots. Are the family ties in good order? Does he have good, trustworthy friends? Does he stand tall so that he can see the forest for the trees and trees for the forest. And most of all, important for you to observe is that what kind of man he wants to be himself.

    Being happy relies so such on being totally honest with oneself. Also other persons happiness around you is based on this in the long term. So it is the most valuable thing.

    Good luck!

  4. Ohh, I obsess over boys too. I turn into a teenager. I’m getting better though. All it takes is a better boy, or more demanding job, to get your mind off the silly boy you were obsessing over!

  5. neverhadaboyfriend

    That movie sounds awesome, I’m going to check it out.

  6. It absolutely is. Let me know what you think!

  7. Yup, I’m trying my hardest to focus on school… and other boys :) We get pinned down too quickly to one guy. It really is a hinderence.

  8. Thanks Heidi. That was a great comment :) Good analogy

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