Changes

In short, something happened with someone who I’ve known for about a month but am comfortable with even though I am not attracted to him sexually.
Being in that vulnerable position with this person has caused me to develop other emotions and now I’m questioning myself as to how I feel about him.
Am I attracted to him? Do I like him? Or is he just really good at what he does?
Above all, there’s the biggest one…
Am I only doing this because I’m lonely?
The answer is indubitably in the affirmative. But it didn’t feel wrong in the slightest. I’m grateful for that. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll realize that any other encounters I’m ever involved in result in shame and the feeling of self-betrayal. I’m happy that I’m happy enough with my body to go there.
I don’t regret it but I know I’d have regretted going further.
He wants to have a relationship with me. I know I don’t feel that way about him. I’m encouraging him to keep dating the girl he’s currently casually seeing, mostly for my own peace of mind. He doesn’t know about my virginity status. I was surprised that didn’t come to light during the event but… I’ve lied to him about my sexual history.
All I know is that while I have the biological urge to be with him, I don’t actually want to be with him.
Perhaps part of it is snobbery. I know I can do better than him. I know I deserve better. To give up and give in to these confusing feelings will be counter intuitive. I’m not willing to risk my standards just to gain a little bit of sexual experience.
I deserve someone who I am attracted to and who can give as much as I give and is good in bed. To fool myself into thinking that if I nail the latter, I can compensate for it other areas is a trap- one that I see other girls fall into all the time. I’m not here to use, be used and left feeling just as incomplete as before.
I’d rather be lonely.

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