Is it over? Am I finally comfortable with men? Is my virginity next?

First of all, I hooked up with someone else last night. What is happening to me??
Back when I was here two years ago, I was at my highest weight point. I befriended two of my best friend’s male friends and we all became pretty tight. The problem was that one of these boys (I call him Six Pack… it should be obvious why) was an ex-boyfriend of another close friend (who I had stopped talking to). I’ve never been one for leftovers and, as I’ve discussed before, I feel weird feeling that way about my friends’ boyfriends and ex-boyfriends. We were continually flirting back then.
Fast forward to this trip and I’m about 70 lbs lighter. The flirty thing is still going on and last time, after the disaster date, he made me feel better (we cuddled all night). I knew he wanted to kiss me but I was feeling upset about the date so I avoided it. I also know that my best friend hooked up with him in December so that was a turn off.
Last night, I liquored myself up pretty well and basically threw myself at him (he was sober). He’s a known player and I didn’t see any harm in it. He asked me how often I’d thought of us together. I lied by telling him it was twice. Then he told me he wanted to take me to his place- at which point I disclosed that I was a virgin and that I’d only ever made out with a handful of people. He was a little shocked about my sexual inexperience. Later, he asked me if I thought I’d ever let him go further. I told him I might but it would take time (time that I don’t really have). To be truthful, I might have let him go further. I’ve always told myself that if I’d never have a chance to do it with a lover, I’d do it with a friend. My best friend was close by though and she told him that he couldn’t take me home for the v-card reason.
He took it well. He backed off a little… I didn’t really let him. I was literally kissing him whenever someone wasn’t looking. But I ran away from the goodbye kiss for no reason whatsoever. I still think of him as a really good friend. Or, I’m trying to anyway.
The problem is that Six Pack and I don’t really have a future. I can’t take him seriously and he won’t go for me. The actual kissing was the best of the lot. My friend told me that he was an okay kisser. I thought he was great. Maybe it had something to do with all the sexual tension that’s been building up.
So anyway, back to were we started… I am not myself.
Look at me. This is my third makeout session in the past two weeks. I usually go years without experiencing any intimacy whatsoever. I can count the times I’ve touched lips with a guy on my fingers. I’m serious. I listed them for you guys.
This is where I was at a few months ago. Hell, not even in May, this is how I felt last month. I’m the girl who gets no action whatsoever ever. So what’s happening? What has changed?
I don’t know but what I do know at least is that I’m comfortable with kissing. I’ve always cut short kisses with men because I thought I don’t know how to make out. Now I know that I do although I think I may be too rough- both the Astronomer and Six Pack said it. So maybe I need to be more gentle and let the guy take the lead but… I’ll end it with the details there. Point: I don’t feel as nervous about the concept of making out… which is mind blowing to me! If you told me around Christmastime that I could make out with a guy and it would be nothing, I wouldn’t have believed you. I mean really? Could I have defeated the social cue demon? I can only dare to hope.
My worry is that this is happening because I’m in a different country. I’m afraid that this may be the case. I’m afraid that I’ll go home and I’ll be loveless again. I’m afraid that I’m still not attractive enough and that this is just a phase. Because when you look at it, all but one of the times I’ve hooked up with someone, I was on vacation. I really hope it’s more than that. I hope this is a life changer.
What I do know is that I am considering my incel status not applicable anymore… for now, at least.

Frodo Strikes Back!

So most of you might have heard about Frodo (click his name for the nutshell version). Well, he’s back in my life… ish. And it’s just as messed up as before.
My friend was having a house party and I showed up with Doubles. Frodo immediately asks me if we’re dating, I guess he didn’t believe me last time and I told him that we were never going to date. He told me I should date Doubles, I gave him a look and he laughed. I asked him about his girlfriend and he said he didn’t have one, I gave him another look. He didn’t laugh (I guess he’s not seeing her anymore or maybe he’s playing games).
Later on, I see this random girl hitting on Frodo and I recruit Doubles to draw her away so I could talk to him. He did a good job of it. I even told Frodo that I told Doubles to get him away from her… and Frodo thanked me (wtf, could I get clearer?). We were laughing, he was brushing my arm et cetera, we were taking pictures together but when I got up for a second to take pictures of a friend, he left. I was very confused. He had walked over to Doubles and thanked him for taking away that chick. Doubles decides he’s going to be my wingman and starts talking to him about me, apparently Frodo asked him what the deal between Doubles and I was and Doubles confirmed that it wasn’t going to happen. They got distracted and started talking about something else.
I decided Frodo was ruining my night so I avoided him (how much clearer can I be, Frodo?). I was a little drunk and I told Doubles that I was upset. Doubles told me that I was probably giving Frodo mixed signals. I was very confused at that. I told him that Frodo didn’t like me and that this was alright with me, I can’t hate someone for not thinking I’m attractive. Doubles just shrugged and said that was fair… then walked away (I was mad at him too).
So I generally avoided Frodo and he didn’t talk to me for a while but then he started coming back and sticking himself into photos of myself and my friends, asking if I was driving home et cetera. I was very calm after this and called a cab. I say good bye to Frodo, he hugs me… and I leave, still a little depressed because I had gotten over him and now he was involved in my life again.
The next day he commented on one of the terrible pictures of him and me (this is the first time he’s ever said anything directly to me on facebook)… that’s about it.
See, this is what I hate… getting sucked in over and over again. I feel like I’m floating around, always touching land but never quite getting there. I’m determined that I’ll ignore Frodo next time but I know I won’t. There’s this hope inside me that won’t die. It tells me that someone like him could actually like someone like me… if I was anyone else, I’d be feeling really bad for me.
I don’t know. I know it’s not the worst thing in the world but I’m just tired of feeling constantly rejected. When I was overweight, I could attribute it to that but now that’s not an option anymore. I could still say that 140 lbs is too big but that’s still a cop out. Which leads me to the fact that just don’t have what it takes to attract someone like him and no matter what I do, I’m just not enough as a person and it sucks.

—
So to make sure that this post isn’t a total failure, I decided to post some links of new single/unexperienced bloggers who have been lurking around my blog in the past few months or that I’ve found unexpectedly. When my regularly read blogs aren’t being updated, I like reading stuff related to virginity/being single so I’d appreciate it if you’d post some links too.
If you’re new, my sidebar has a list of few links to other blogs (which desperately needs to be updated, I have way more that I subscribe too but I’m weeding some of them out) but they’re good to get you started. I highly recommend visiting Jo and Amanda if you’re single blogging and Queen V and Ecrivain if you’re specifically looking for older virgin related blogs.
Here are the newbies/newly found blogs (:
The Thoughts of a Type A, Over Analyzer
The Dancing Orange
Sick of Being Single
Let’s Just Make It Happen
Bumbling
P.S. I’m back into constant study mode and your blogs make those 5 minute breaks worth it so keep posting! Also, did anyone see this? Apparently, virginity is back in again. Yay, we’re cool!

 

Links on loving yourself, Hugh Hefner, virginity sniffing animals and anti-obesity activists

In honour of valetine’s day, I’m doing a special link session to any and all interesting articles pertaining to singles, virginity and anything that I’ve been sticking in my bookmarks to share with you guys. It’s time to unload- and what’s a better day than today?
—
On being single on valentine’s day
I’m find a lot of helpful posts for singles who are finding it hard to cope today so I thought I’d add some links to my favourite ones and see if they can perk you up a bit:
Be Thankful | The Birds and the Beezies
How to Be Single on Valentine’s Day | The Dating Optimist
Surviving Being Single on Valentine’s Day | Single City Guy
Love Yourself This Valentine’s Day | Carls Bad Patch
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On losing your virginity
From the meaning of losing the v-card to experiences of doing so to funny posts about when to lose it and when the man himself lost it (22! Can you believe it?)
Swiping the V-Card | College Candy
The 30-Year-Old Virgins | Salon.com
5 TV-inspired ways to lose your virginity | Student Life (U-Dub)
How Hef Got His Groove Back | The New York Times
—
About society and virginity
General articles about virginity and science, trends and what they mean in a global context
30-Something Mormon Poet’s Take On… | via Never Had A Boyfriend
Hymenplasty and the obsession with virginity | Iowa State Daily
Is virginity the new sexual trend? | redandblack.com (UGA)
Male animals can ‘smell’ virginity | Sify.com
—
About body image and self-esteem
I love the first article- does everyone agree when you say “she’s a 10″?
Beauty is not a spectrum | Eat The Damn Cake
Princess Politics | The Boston Globe
7 Tips to Dress Your New Body… Image | WebMD
Meet an anti-obesity activist | CNN Video

P.S. Quite a few of these links were found on the incel forums. For more information, see this post.
P.P.S. I’m always on the lookout of interesting articles relating to virginity and women who haven’t been in relationships. I would absolutely love to post anything you have found so if you think there’s something we should be taking a look at, please comment with it or email me at girlslashwoman[at]gmail[dot]com.

Celebrate Valentine’s Day! It isn’t just for couples

Not just because it’s V-day and you still have your V-card and not because St. Valentinus was probably a virgin (okay, maybe a little because of that)… you should celebrate it because we all have the right to be loved and spread love regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not.
I have always loved valentine’s day (and very little of that has to do with the half-price candy after valentine’s day). I used to dress up in pink and distribute condoms to my sexually active friends… for real. Not because I was worried about STI’s or that I wanted to live vicariously through them. It’s because it was funny and less cliche than a bunch of roses.
I remember there was this one valentine’s day when I dressed up and got to school to find out that my high school crush had slept with this really beautiful girl. I was incredibly depressed. But if I can live through that and still love valentine’s day, I think you can learn to love it too.
So happy valentine’s day, friends! Wear some pink, spread some condoms and remember that just because you’re single doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved.

Singles should be blue and not green and red like everyone else?

If you haven’t added me on twitter... yet, you’re missing out on gold (PS I’m sorry about all the twitter plugging but most of my thought processes get recorded there)- I was speculating about all these articles telling me to stop being sad about being single during the holidays.
And then, I saw a post on Sex, Lies and Dating in the City about how she felt about the phenomenon.
So here’s my take- I am so sick of those stupid articles- honestly, the numbers are going up every year. Is it because singles are actually buying into this crap? The holidays have never really been about not having a boyfriend for me. Of course I’ll feel a twinge when I see a couple skating together or my aunt asking about boyfriends but other than that, it’s mostly always been about family, friends, hot chocolate, charity and copious amounts of consumerism… and I intend to keep it that way. But these articles make me feel like a weirdo for wanting to be happy. As if I should be blue just so they can snap me out of it. My point is that coupledom shouldn’t be what the holidays are about. I mean, you have Valentine’s Day for that crap (and it’s starting to take over Halloween too with all those his-and-her costumes cropping up). Being single is something that I am all year? The only reason I’m thinking about it more right now is because popular media is telling me to. I could easily be reading articles about what to wear to holiday parties or what to buy my mum for Christmas. Instead, I’m being told why I should feel like crap. Well, I don’t. Thanks, but I don’t need your help, oh wise relationship experts. I don’t feel more or less bad about being single than any other day and that’s perfectly acceptable. So let’s just stop the buck here and move on to bigger and better things… like what should buy my mom for next Christmas.

I’m a white swan

If you have me on twitter, you know how desperately I’ve wanted to see Black Swan. Well, I finally saw it last week and I was absolutely amazed. I could really relate to Nina near the beginning of the movie- she reminded me of myself when I was younger. Sweet, meek and not entirely able to relate to many people around her- including men.
Someone else on twitter posted a question towards the lines of whether we saw ourselves as black swans or white swans. I definitely see myself as the white swan. There’s a strong correlation between ‘white’ and virginity but Nina’s whole attitude encapsulated the white swan- timid, sexually inexperienced but extremely passionate. The black swan, on the other hand was more like the character played by Mila Kunis. She’s sexy, sensual but also passionate in a completely different way. I’m trying not to spoil the whole movie for you so I’ll leave it at that and give you a little scene that I thought was interesting.
Basically, Nina’s dance instructor is having a conversation with her. He is concerned about her portrayal of the black swan and asks her if she has a boyfriend. Nina replies in the negative. He asks her if she’s a virgin. Nina smiles and shakes her head.
First of all, I thought that was odd. How would Nina ever be able to handle a sexual relationship when she’s so… awkward. I think Aronofsky dropped the ball on that one, he should have left her a virgin.
Secondly, the teacher’s reaction to this was interesting too. After she shook her head, he said “well, then you have nothing to be ashamed of” and I thought it was so typical of people. They really do think that virgins of a certain age (lets say 20 or 21) should be ashamed of the fact that they’ve never had sex.
But why?
Many men are absolutely disgusted when you have more that X number of sexual partners but it’s also bad if you don’t have enough sexual partners. As in no sexual partners.
You have to agree that men don’t like virgins. As much as their primal instincts want them to be the first ones to get there, they’re more worried about us being clingly freaks with no capacity for emotional relationships with men. If you tell a guy you’re a virgin within the first three dates, he won’t want to have much else to do with you.
That’s the problem right there. I’m nervous because I have a huge obstacle waiting for me if I ever start dating someone. At some point, he’s going to expect sex. It will probably be before we start connecting on a very deep level because that’s really how relationships work these days.
And I’ll have to tell him that I’ve never had sex and… then I’ll have to explain why. Because if I don’t, he’ll probably revert to the clingly freak frame of thinking and then I’m left in the dust… unless I come up with a good enough reason for why I’m a virgin.
So I could be honest and tell him that it’s because I’m waiting for someone important to me (which could go either way) and the reason I never found anyone good before was because I was…
1. Fat
2. Insecure
3. In love with a guy who didn’t like me
4. Emotionally unavailable
5. Good at rejecting men because I was afraid
All of those look as bad, or as nearly bad, as me being a clingy freak. But that’s not the only problem. The problem is that these are just possible reasons for why I haven’t been in a relationship because I don’t know why I’m a virgin. I really don’t.
Hell, I could blame the dating scene, the lack of available men, my busy life… but I don’t know whether that’s true or not and if I even do find someone I want to be with, I want to be able to be honest with them.
So if I were to start dating someone right now and he asked me about it, the best thing I can say is “your guess is mine”

“So-and-so will have sex with you”

It’s the response I’d usually get when I told people about my “problem”
In real life and on this blog too. I don’t think people realize what the problem here is. The problem is not that my hymen is intact or that I’ve never had physical sex. It’s more about being single, about being never-not-single. The virginity part is real but the bigger part of the problem is that I’m a relationship virgin. Would losing my virginity solve anything?
Absolutely not. I could run over to a dive bar and have sex with a random. The problem is still there.
I don’t think people really understand that. Correct me if I’m wrong but having my cherry popped probably isn’t going to open the floodgates to a rush of love and affection from men. And I’m not making assumptions here. I know it’s not true.
Let’s refer to the American Virgin for this one, Sarah who had sex with a friend of a friend who found meaning in the encounter but it didn’t change her life. Another blogger, Chloe, had a long running blog centering around her virginity and even when she lost it, she felt hopeless about love. Even VS, the is-she-or-is-she-not-a-fake-virgin found that her virginity isn’t a big deal.
The act of deflowering is not a big deal
We’re still stuck with all these ideas about virginity and how it’s supposed to change you. Shouldn’t we know better by now? I mean, most of these people who dismiss my virginity as a problem easily solved have had sex before. They should realize it before anyone.
As an older-than-average virgin, I lie in this vague area. I know about sex but I’m not sexually experienced per se. I’m still looking for love so I can identify with single bloggers. Where I fail to identify with them is in the fact that I haven’t had been in “requited” love. That’s where I can connect with single women who may or may not have had sex but are having a hard time finding men or being in a relationship with them.
My cherry has little else to do with it.

P.S. Fiddled around with my blog layout for the first time in a year. It feels so strange.
P.P.S. There’s a post on College Candy concerning talking about whether you’re sexually active or not that some of you may find interesting. Apparently, in volcanic terms, I’m extinct

Mika isn’t happy

A friend of mine, Mika, had a tough time with love. She cheated on her boyfriend in high school because she didn’t like him, she was pressured into going out with him because they were both in the same friend group. I suppose she got what she deserved when the group abandoned her after everyone found out. She went to Europe after high school and found a guy she loved. For a year, they kept up a long distance relationship and she spent a lot of money visiting him. It ended after she found out that he cheated on her. For a few years after that, she started seeing guys who fit her interests but weren’t really interested in her- besides from physically.
Finally, she started dating a guy who she shared a lot in common with. He was one of her friend’s ex boyfriends. Needless to say, that friend and some of her closer friends abandoned Mika. But Mika finally had a boyfriend in Mitch.
Now don’t get me wrong, Mitch is a fun guy but sometimes he is rude, annoying and sexually inappropriate with Mika and her friends (especially when he is drunk). He’s not like that in a subtle way, it gets to the point where Mika comes and apologizes to us (her friends) for his behavior. We dismiss it and tell her it’s not her fault but she never reprimands him. At first, I figured that she did it later in private. Then I grew to realize that she doesn’t do it at all.
Like last weekend when I went out with the two of them. We went to a party thrown by a friend of mine and he acted very rude towards the host of the guest who kicked him out of the party. I left with them and Mika apologized to me. Mitch kept going on about how stupid the whole situation was- he would not shut up. Throughout his entire tirade, I only heard Mika ask him to stop once. Eventually I ended up arguing with him about it and telling him to just let it go. I never got an apology for him. Later on, he did something else inappropriate.
The problem is that I’ve had it with him but that’s not what I’m worried about. Once when he was sexually inappropriate with me, I drew a line and he’s stayed behind it ever since.
I’m worried about Mika. She isn’t happy. These traits in a guy would be a definite deal breaker to me or any self respecting female. But they don’t seem to be a big deal for her- not only are they not deal breakers, they aren’t even worth addressing. How is your boyfriend going to know he’s doing something wrong if you’re not telling him?
I feel as if she’s given up. I’ve heard him talk about the sex life he had with his ex-girlfriends (including what these girls were good at) and she stayed quiet through the whole thing. Sure, he’s a fun guy and they are very similar but is it worth it? I feel like she sold out and I don’t know what to say to her.
“Put a leash on your man?” I can see that going over well.
It’s times like these when I’m happy that I’m single. I’m happy that I don’t settle. Especially for this kind of bullshit.

In search of the One Ring

I was on fire.
No, not literally, although I wouldn’t be surprised if you thought I was. I’m not a stranger to accidents.
First of all, I need a new name for hot guy since I like to name all hot guys hot guy. So I’m giving him a new pseudonym: Frodo. It’s very relevant and very fitting. Just don’t question it.
Anyway, I get into the bar where I’m meeting the friend who introduced us. I had no idea Frodo was in the house. He was in front of me in line. I panicked and ran away (of course). Later, I find my friends sitting at a table. They were looking pretty occupied in discussion but Frodo was fiddling with his beer so I said hi to him first and sat next to him. He looked happy to see me (I guess as a reaction to the huge grin on my face). It was perfect. I spent most of it talking to him and joking around. I was feeling pretty good. My friend’s ex-boyfriend was also sitting next to me and was trying to grab my attention from the other side- but I wasn’t fazed, it made me look good anyway. Frodo was laughing too. He wasn’t too forward in trying to talk to me (I get the feeling he’s a little shy) but it was good anyway. When I asked how his party went, he asked me why I didn’t come. We talked to each other about our families, school etc. He was trying to read the texts on my phone. We were making conversation, smiling, everything was going great. Until I turned around to say hi to a friend…
Now if you remember, I met Frodo through my friend’s boyfriend. When I turned back around Frodo was in deep discussion with his friend and I heard a “her” come up pretty often. I was pissed. My friend, her boyfriend and Frodo were soon talking dynamically about some girl and my friend kept insisting that she wasn’t worth it, that Frodo deserved something better and that this had been going on for too long etc. I ignored the situation and started talking to other people on the table. When Frodo got up and left, I took his vacated seat and started talking to his friend hoping he’d tell me a little about what was going on. As I was sitting there, I received a phone call from a friend who told me he had arrived at the bar. At the same time, Frodo came back with this beautiful girl, introduced her to everyone and sat down across from me. I was on the phone and was determined to ignore her. I inquired as to who the new show was and my friend responded with her name- not helpful at all but at least she wasn’t introduced as his girlfriend or something. Pretty soon, my obnoxious male friend showed up and it all went downhill from there. Frodo and new show left to go dance. I left to drive my drunk friend home.
I’m supposed to be hanging out with some friends in a few days and Frodo is supposed to be there.
There’s just so many ways to see the situation. He looked like he was interested but how am I supposed to know? What kind of a guy spends all night talking to a girl and then calls over another girl (obviously one whose only interested in the latter one). He seemed to be having a lot of fun talking to me but he might have just wanted to be friends? He seemed put out whenever I was talking to my friend’s ex-boyfriend on the right but it could have been wishful thinking and he was bored? I should be asking my friend but at the same time she would definitely tell her boyfriend who would definitely tell Frodo and she isn’t the type to set up people.
I’m chalking it up to a loss. I think I got a little ahead of myself this time. I’m not hot shit yet and I don’t know where I stand. I guess I forgot my motto there: have low expectations so you’re always surprised and never disappointed. Time to go back to the status quo. It was a valiant attempt on my part thought- at least I talked to him and he didn’t find me too boring

I hate being my own worst enemy

At times, when I’m drunk and at a bar (usually). I’ll have a make out experience that is good (and doesn’t induce guilt the next morning). He’s cute, sweet and a great kisser but even in my inebriated state, when he’s kissing me, playing with my hair… I feel uncomfortable. Not because I’m making out with someone in a public place (although that does play into it), but because he’s giving me so much attention. At that moment, he’s totally into me, telling me how cute/hot/sexy I am and I feel awkward because I feel like some sort of phony. As in, undeserving of the attention.
They always ask me why I pull away so fast or I never get into it more and when evaluating myself, I figure it’s because I’m not the “type” who makes out with guys in a bar.
But is that really it? I don’t think so. Like I said before, I’m insecure and I have a lot of doubts about my own self worth. Even if he’s telling me I’m gorgeous, I refuse to believe him. It’s as if I believe that I’m either a really good fake or he’s just delusional. I’m uncomfortable because I’m unused to being showered with attention.
Even now when I know I look better, I can’t make eye contact with a guy or smile at him because I have the idea that I’m fooling myself into thinking he’s looking at me.
Even in the case that he approaches me, I feel awkward that he thinks I’m worth it and that he wants to talk to me because he likes me, not because he wants to get notes off of me or wants my friend’s number.
The thing is, I can tell myself a hundred times that I’m an awesome person and believe it but I can’t tell myself that I’m worthy of attention from a good guy. I can’t do it.
I’m nowhere ready for a boyfriend but isn’t this a huge obstacle in getting to the place where I will be?
Does anyone have any idea what I should do about this?