On how much I suck and updates on friend-guy

I feel as if I’m not good enough. Underneath it all, I don’t even know if I’m worth the trouble. I don’t know if I’m worthy of being loved by anyone. I’ve spent so much time chasing that one guy who I wasn’t good enough for. I feel like I’m never good enough. It’s conditioning I guess. But I can tell myself that over and over but inside… I believe it. I honestly think I do. I just have terrible terrible self confidence when it comes to the opposite sex. I kind of understood it but now… like, wow. I believe it. I really really don’t think I’m worth it. Knowing what I know and feeling how I do right now, if I were a third party, I’d tell a guy not to date me. I guess it is because of him: the asshole who ruined my life (see above). That’s what it feels like to have seven years of something dangled in front of your nose and trying as hard as you can to grab at it, looking like an idiot in the process, but having this understanding that you’re never going to get it. You just think you’ll never get anything.
Here’s an example… whenever a guy looks at me, he’s not looking at me. Because why would anyone look at me? (unless I’m drunk or high… then everyone is looking at me). If he wants to dance with me he is either…
a. funny (prepare to see a group of guys laughing in the background)
b. drunk
c. both
It’s this constant insecurity and I feel as if I’ve had a breakthrough. I’ve always tried to identify pieces of myself in girls I see who have any guy interested in them. A girl my age (she’s hotter), a brown girl (she’s skinnier), an overweight girl (what does she have that I don’t? Right, a lack of self loathing). Okay, it’s not that I loathe myself. I’m just unwilling to put myself out there because I’m just starting to realize that I have this idea that I’m not worth it. And who can say I am? You guys can’t. My friends can’t. My family can’t. There’s only one person who can and I’m not even sure if he exists.
So take my current situation, my dear friend could quite possibly be extremely interested in me. I even revealed my little crush to a mutual friend who assured me that it wouldn’t be a problem with the group if we got together and that whatever cons would come with it (him being teased, the coupleness starting to get annoying, a potential messy breakup) could be remedied (we promise to be friends if it doesn’t work, not be coupley) and the pros would outweight them (we would be so cute together). So now that this issue is out of the way… here’s a new one… does he actually like me?
Friend: He is definitely into you
Me: I don’t know
Because I don’t know. When I didn’t like him, I was certain he was into me. Now I’m not. And there’s this other girl he likes who is totally inappropriate for him and he knows it. She’s making me insecure. He’s making me insecure. I’m too much of a pussy to ask him because I don’t want to know that he isn’t into me.
I’m doing stupid things. I’m not replying to his texts because I don’t want it to him to think it’s too easy and get bored. I’m pretending to be indifferent and then trading that with paying him compliments. I don’t know how to act right now, that’s my problem. My friend is encouraging me to hang out with him more but that troubles me because again, I don’t want to make it too easy and I really really don’t want to friend-zone myself (is that even possible for a girl?).
I don’t know. I don’t really want to know- it’s not worth the risk. Maybe that’s why I’m happy being single. Because I’m just not a hundred percent there. I don’t see in myself what I would want to give anyone else. Especially friend-guy (which is what I’m calling him from now on, I guess) because he is such a good guy. He deserves better than me. And better than that idiot he likes.
I sometimes stop liking him but I think that’s me trying to protect myself from getting hurt.
And then I like him a lot. Then I creep his facebook. Then I see a picture of that bitch he likes. Then I look at the size of her hips. Then I want to go work out.
P.S. I had a dream where he commented on a post in this blog. And I was like WTF DID I GIVE HIM A LINK TO THE WRONG BLOG? Yeah, little freakout session there.

I apologize in advance for this lame entry

Yeah so… I have this guy in mind.
I have a sorta feasible, genuineish, conceivable kindacrush.
I think.
I don’t know… I don’t know. I don’t know. Idon’tknow.
The thing is… he’s a friend
That’s the most amazing and absolutely worst thing about him.
He’s a friend. But I don’t know if he likes me.
Actually, I’m fairly confident he likes me. But I have doubts. Many doubts.
Is this what it’s like? To like someone who likes you back?
To have someone like you and you like him back?
Weird.
We’re part of a group of friends. A group of very platonic friends.
That’s the hard part.
Messing up the group of friends.
Terrible part.
The possibility that we could stop being friends if it ends badly.
That would be an absolute disaster.
Ugh I hate how melodramatic that sounds written out.
Okay so, he’s a friend.
And we always had this super engaging friendly banter.
He’d reference our banter. A lot.
I am being such a girl right now. Ew.
I just want to know for sure, ok?
Anyway, it’s kind of like flirty. Like I tease him and he laughs.
And then he started saying things and calling me.
Then he started not wanting to talk about other girls that he might/used to have a thing with in front of me.
Then he started sending me his favourite music and letting me pick the music even if all my other friends cried at the third rendition of Fly Me to the Moon and complimenting me on my outfits and giving me his coat.
At first, I was a little thrown off. I didn’t really see it coming.
I had the idea that he liked me but he just wasn’t really my type. Not the savvy intellectual.
He’s the hilarious boy-next-door type. The guitar-playing, break-dancing kinda average guy. Like a real guy. Not a type.
So anyway, I think it started then. Especially after I got back from the trip and he said it was lame without me.
But I want to know for sure. If he likes me, I mean. Because he doesn’t make himself available for me all the time, I get anxious. If he’s busy already on a Saturday night when I tell him to come out with us or if he hasn’t texted me first recently (which he hasn’t by the way). I don’t know what it is.
I always told myself not to get in too deep without knowing for sure if the guys actually into me but… what if he’s just being a good friend and he just likes me better than he likes all of our other girl friends?
I feel the need to analyze each of his text messages but I don’t want to tell anyone. I’ve only told two people and they live out of the country.
I don’t know what to do know.
I want to be with him but what if he doesn’t actually like me like that. If he does like me like that, then I can’t not be with him so I’ll have to do what now? So if we start seeing each other, then we just broke our posse ? And if we start seeing each other, what if we don’t work? And plus there are so many religious differences that I’ll eventually have to account for. How can I even focus right now, I’m up to my neck in schoolwork. And why doesn’t he call me? Actually, he’s kind of been withdrawn lately but he waited for me at school today and I kinda ditched him- accidentally. Oh my god, that’s a revelation. He was waiting for me. And I ditched him. I strung him along for two hours while I was in class and then left to go see friends and then he told me to meet him and I had to go to class so he said he was heading home. Ahhh. I’m such an asshole. Sometimes I’m afraid that I take my teasing too far and I sound bitchy. He doesn’t like that I smoke. That’s too specific. This paragraph is all over the place and it’s driving my OCD crazy but I need to get it out.
What is wrong with me?
I’m so confused.
But kind of happy.
Why is this entry so long? I am such a dork.
This post should probably be on private.

Sometimes when I’m alone…

On Saturday nights, I feel like I need a boyfriend to watch movies with.
Crock of shit.

Sad

I am sad.
And it’s not even about Him so much as the absence of any hims in my life.
When I first started this blog, it was called musings of a girl/woman but, let’s admit it, it sounded a little try hard.
So I looked a little similar and a little specific. This blog was meant to be about all my ideas. I decided to call it the Virgin Side of Life. And hell, doesn’t that hit the nail right on the head.
I always thought I didn’t need a boyfriend unless it’s Him but I was wrong. I need a boyfriend. I long to find out what it means to feel secure, to feel loved. Maybe I’ll never know.
I don’t know who to blame. My looks, my weight, my low confidence, my high standards, my expectation of even finding a guy? Am I just constantly jinxing myself?
Who should I blame for the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend? Never had anyone crushing on me since the eighth grade? For my rare hookups with guys twice as drunk as I am? Will I ever even experience a sober kiss? A hug? Anything?
Just hang on, I’m 20 right? I’m still young! But am I really? Isn’t 20 a bit old to enter the dating scene with zilch experience? I can barely look at men in the eye when I first meet them.
God, maybe this us my punishment for rejecting that kid in middle school. Karma is a bitch.