Singles should be blue and not green and red like everyone else?

If you haven’t added me on twitter... yet, you’re missing out on gold (PS I’m sorry about all the twitter plugging but most of my thought processes get recorded there)- I was speculating about all these articles telling me to stop being sad about being single during the holidays.
And then, I saw a post on Sex, Lies and Dating in the City about how she felt about the phenomenon.
So here’s my take- I am so sick of those stupid articles- honestly, the numbers are going up every year. Is it because singles are actually buying into this crap? The holidays have never really been about not having a boyfriend for me. Of course I’ll feel a twinge when I see a couple skating together or my aunt asking about boyfriends but other than that, it’s mostly always been about family, friends, hot chocolate, charity and copious amounts of consumerism… and I intend to keep it that way. But these articles make me feel like a weirdo for wanting to be happy. As if I should be blue just so they can snap me out of it. My point is that coupledom shouldn’t be what the holidays are about. I mean, you have Valentine’s Day for that crap (and it’s starting to take over Halloween too with all those his-and-her costumes cropping up). Being single is something that I am all year? The only reason I’m thinking about it more right now is because popular media is telling me to. I could easily be reading articles about what to wear to holiday parties or what to buy my mum for Christmas. Instead, I’m being told why I should feel like crap. Well, I don’t. Thanks, but I don’t need your help, oh wise relationship experts. I don’t feel more or less bad about being single than any other day and that’s perfectly acceptable. So let’s just stop the buck here and move on to bigger and better things… like what should buy my mom for next Christmas.

Mika isn’t happy

A friend of mine, Mika, had a tough time with love. She cheated on her boyfriend in high school because she didn’t like him, she was pressured into going out with him because they were both in the same friend group. I suppose she got what she deserved when the group abandoned her after everyone found out. She went to Europe after high school and found a guy she loved. For a year, they kept up a long distance relationship and she spent a lot of money visiting him. It ended after she found out that he cheated on her. For a few years after that, she started seeing guys who fit her interests but weren’t really interested in her- besides from physically.
Finally, she started dating a guy who she shared a lot in common with. He was one of her friend’s ex boyfriends. Needless to say, that friend and some of her closer friends abandoned Mika. But Mika finally had a boyfriend in Mitch.
Now don’t get me wrong, Mitch is a fun guy but sometimes he is rude, annoying and sexually inappropriate with Mika and her friends (especially when he is drunk). He’s not like that in a subtle way, it gets to the point where Mika comes and apologizes to us (her friends) for his behavior. We dismiss it and tell her it’s not her fault but she never reprimands him. At first, I figured that she did it later in private. Then I grew to realize that she doesn’t do it at all.
Like last weekend when I went out with the two of them. We went to a party thrown by a friend of mine and he acted very rude towards the host of the guest who kicked him out of the party. I left with them and Mika apologized to me. Mitch kept going on about how stupid the whole situation was- he would not shut up. Throughout his entire tirade, I only heard Mika ask him to stop once. Eventually I ended up arguing with him about it and telling him to just let it go. I never got an apology for him. Later on, he did something else inappropriate.
The problem is that I’ve had it with him but that’s not what I’m worried about. Once when he was sexually inappropriate with me, I drew a line and he’s stayed behind it ever since.
I’m worried about Mika. She isn’t happy. These traits in a guy would be a definite deal breaker to me or any self respecting female. But they don’t seem to be a big deal for her- not only are they not deal breakers, they aren’t even worth addressing. How is your boyfriend going to know he’s doing something wrong if you’re not telling him?
I feel as if she’s given up. I’ve heard him talk about the sex life he had with his ex-girlfriends (including what these girls were good at) and she stayed quiet through the whole thing. Sure, he’s a fun guy and they are very similar but is it worth it? I feel like she sold out and I don’t know what to say to her.
“Put a leash on your man?” I can see that going over well.
It’s times like these when I’m happy that I’m single. I’m happy that I don’t settle. Especially for this kind of bullshit.

This whole like yup-I’m-a-virgin-thing

…has been really getting to me recently.
I’m 21. Isn’t it about time that I go and be sexually active- oh right, I’m against having sex without there being any long-term love/commitment thing going on. Well, how about hooking up? Or hell, even dancing.
I was at a bar this weekend and this reasonably cute guy was trying to dance with me. He was so persistent. I kept giving my girlfriends the no look. They just sat back and gave me satisfied smiles. And he even told me to stop looking at them and to just dance. I was flustered as usual. He was drunk and it’s easy to blame it all on the alcohol. He really wanted to dance with me and I brushed it off. I acted like I had just wanted him to go away.
While I was in Vegas, I was bothered by the fact that all my girlfriends were getting hit on more often than me (you’d think I’d be used to it by now) but it was mostly for their sake. I didn’t want them to think I was their little loser friend that no one wanted. I’m starting to realize that it isn’t the case. My friends see me get hit on enough times and they see me deflect them too. I’m just not the type of girl to get with a guy in a club, or a bar, or anywhere really.
It’s not that I’m not funny or flirty. I can be plenty funny and flirty with my male friends. Just not around people I don’t know.
I thought it was because my standards are too high. Apparently, they’re just as good as any self-respecting girl should have. I’m just defensive. He can’t be good enough or cute enough or charming enough or intelligent enough. And if he is then I’m too fat (or ugly or stupid or uninteresting). And if he is interested, well then… I’m either just fooling myself or there’s something wrong with him.
If the hottest, smartest, funniest guy walked up to me and tried to buy me a drink, I’d make him feel like an idiot. I’m just a freak, I guess. Does this mean I have issues?
I was telling my friend about this (she’s been going out with the same guy since she was 15) and she insisted that I’m normal. She said that if her boyfriend wanted to call it quits, she wouldn’t know how to act around guys. She wouldn’t know how to deal with guys who would approach her.
Yeah okay, that sounds reasonable. If I were to ever date a guy, it would probably have to be someone I was already comfortable with first.
Except here’s my problem…
1) This year, I’ll probably be able to interact in some form or other with about 200 guys while I’m out – maybe out of those guys, half a dozen will be actually interested in me.
2) This year, I’ll probably be able to be truly comfortable around 10 guys maximum in a friend-based setting – if my math is right, about .3% of those 10 will be actually interested in me.
So since my prefered option of meeting a guy (#2) is not going to happen… well, do I really have to force myself to be comfortable around random strangers (#1?). I’ve never had a problem approaching strangers when I’m drunk but I rarely drink and god- it’s always been so awkward in the first place. I don’t want to experiment with yet another night and wake up in the morning wondering wtf was wrong with me last night.
Okay, so where am I going with this? Fine, I’m ready to admit it now because it is actually true.
I want a boyfriend
I’ve started to accept that my stupid asshole sonovabitch highschool crush has a stupid skanky ugly anorexic bitch of a girlfriend.
It’s not revenge. I just feel like I’ve started to accept that it’s not going to work (3 years after graduation, you’d think I’d have figured it out by now). I’m ready to move on with my life. I think. Maybe it’s loneliness? I don’t know what it is.
I just.. I don’t want to want a boyfriend. I’m sick of looking at every guy who spends two minutes talking to me as a “potential”. What the hell, a potential? How desperate is that. I’m not a 67 year old widow.
I just can’t pick out the lesser evil. Wanting a boyfriend and not having a boyfriend? Not wanting a boyfriend and not having a boyfriend?
God, why do boys have to make everything so complicated? And why do I have to keep telling myself it’ll change when I’m thinner. I’m setting myself up for failure right now.
If I never lose the weight, I’m unhappy… if I lose the weight and it doesn’t solve all of life’s problems (which it won’t, obviously), I’m unhappy.
I’m frustrated.
Also because there is another potential who is a good friend and I’m bad at reading signals (or am I?) and he’s seeing someone and I don’t want to ruin it and I don’t even know if he’s actually into me and I keep bombarding him with texts one day then ignoring his texts the next day when I realize how I’m acting and… I’m just a mess basically. If I was him, I’d be confused. If I was him, I don’t know if I’d be into someone like me. Ugh I just don’t know. Okay, that’s it. This is a story for another day.
I wasn’t going to write a blog entry tonight but it’s 4:08 AM and it wanted to come out. I can’t believe I’ve been typing this since 3:07 AM. It does not take this long to type. What is going on in my life?? I need to get it together

Entering boyfriendland without a visa

So, it’s not just people I know who have jumped ship. It’s people that I meet too i.e. I meet a girl who I think is pretty cool, we hang out, go for coffee and then… I wait for the boyfriend bomb.
“Oh, totally, my boyfriend said that too and…”
“Sorry, my boyfriend is calling. Just a sec.”
“Nope, I’m good. My boyfriend is picking me up.”
It feels kind of surreal. That these girls are all in a relationship. They have this one person in their life who they can envision a future with. It’s odd.
Well, maybe not to you but to me, yes. Remember, I’m the girl who avoids all contact with men interested in me? The one who technically isn’t allowed to date? The one who uses that and her old high school crush as excuses to deceive herself into thinking she doesn’t need a man? The one who keeps ignoring the fact that she hasn’t been on a date… well… ever actually. Now the pressure is becoming extremely noticable and this is why:
1. Once I turned 20, most of my friends gave up the single life
2. My two ex-best friends who were even more unlikely to be in relationships than me (one had high standards and the other one was just awkward) found boyfriends
3. My high school crush gave up the bachelor life for an evil skinny whore… and I realized that I needed to stop saving myself for him
4. Everyone I meet has a boyfriend
5. It would be easier to have a boyfriend
The last one is the biggest one and that’s sad because I always preach to my friends that they don’t need men to feel complete. They think I’m brave but it’s actually because I can’t find a guy. I am such a hypocrite.
It’s not that I want them to be perpetually lonely. It’s just that I’m sick of feeling like I’m not invited to a club that everyone is the president of. Hell, even if they were single, it wouldn’t matter. My single friends are always in man-mode too. When we’re hanging out, they’re texting some guy they met at a club and I’m texting my mom.
I want that, dammit. I want to be texted. I want to be able to name someone when my friends ask me about my love life. I want to be able to look up something someone said in He’s Just Not That Into You.
I just can’t understand why I don’t have it.
The thing is, I’m not a monster. I get attention from the opposite sex but it doesn’t come from the right guys and it’s not the right type of attention.
I am overweight but I’m not ugly. I’m pretty funny, nice, generous, happy (is it bad that I can say that about myself?) so where is the missing link? What comes in between me and men? My own insecurities, a lack of single men, my weight, our shallow society? What is it?
What worries me more is this… what if I just want a boyfriend to fit in and maybe a cuddle from time to time?
It sucks because this is probably true.