Weight – the final frontier

You will never ever ever know what it feels like to be overweight unless you have experienced it. You will feel things that you have never felt before, you will fall to an ultimate low and pick out flaws in yourself (mentally and physically) that you did not give a rat’s ass about before.

Ever since, I wrote an entry titled To be fat is to be like an alien, it has consistently been on my list of top posts. This is particularly amazing because it defies two of the golden rules of blogging:
1. It doesn’t stick to only one topic relevant to my blog
2. It is super super long
… which gave me a lot of hope. It makes me feel as if people were actually listening to what I had to say about my experiences and the world in general. Out of all the entries I’ve ever written, it was the most emotional and honest one.
Although I’ve lost a total of 60 lbs since that post, my feeling on the matter have not changed.

Treating someone differently because of their weight is wrong

The funny part is how differently people treated me after I lost weight. I feel like a completely different girl. Even though I eat the same, spend the same time working out, have the same ideas and haven’t changed my attitude or personality at all. Most of you know that prior to… well, today, I’ve always been bigger. Last year, I found out that I had PCOS and after being put on birth control (which luckily ended up regulating my hormones), I started losing weight. I am the same person. Previously, my weight was out of my control. Today, it isn’t. And now, society thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to treat me differently because of that.

Being fat is not about an insensitive comment, a cry and then recovery. It isn’t a paper cut. It doesn’t heal. Being fat is like a constant disease.

Discrimination based on size is still discrimination

A reader recently posted a comment saying she kind of understood how I felt because although she had never been overweight, she is gay and she always felt alienated. Without minimizing the problems faced by homosexuals and minorities, I want to come out and say that homophobia and racism is heavily stigmatized (formally anyway). It is generally accepted by people that discriminating based on gender, sexual preference and race should not be tolerated. But for some reason, the same people who propagate this will raise their eyebrows at a larger girl eating a cheeseburger.
Weight is the final frontier. Sizeism is very real and it is very unfair. Most of us are sizeist and we don’t even know it. Because the awareness isn’t out there! And that’s where I come in. Here’s the deal…

Fat people aren’t purposefully trying to be fat

Though I’ll admit that being obese is unhealthy- I hate the idea that it’s treated like leprosy. We don’t tell alcoholics to just “quit” drinking- we send them to 12 step programs. We don’t ask heart attack patients to suck it up. We don’t tell schizophrenics to just “ignore the voices”… so why are we demonizing overweight people? We never make smokers and cancer sufferers feel ashamed so why is it okay to dog on the fat girl?
I have a suspicion it’s because we stop considering them as people. When you see a fat person, you don’t make eye contact with them (not unless they’re behind a cashier anyway) and you purposefully ignore them. You think they’re lazy and gluttonous. In this day and age, it’s sick to think about.
Do you ever look at a female and automatically think she’s stupid?
Do you ever look at a black girl and automatically think she’s a criminal?
Do you ever look at a gay guy and automatically think he’s a pervert?
No because we have moved beyond that. So when dealing with fat people, why are we still stuck in the 50′s?

Are you honestly okay with the way you’re making people feel?

Even if you don’t agree with me and you still believe that obese people only have themselves to blame, you have to admit that the terrible treatment of overweight people is excessive. Not only is it excessive, it’s counteractive. Making people upset will not make them lose weight. When you get dumped, you automatically reach for the Ben & Jerry’s… so do fat people.
When I read my old entry, I feel like crying… because I remember how painful it was to feel completely worthless.

Because when you’re fat, it’s your life. Since about the time I was 8 and actually realized the implications of being overweight, I have devoted at least 20% of my thought process to my weight… the fact that I’m fat is always at the back of my mind… Don’t eat that. Suck in your cheeks. Don’t look at him. Fix your shirt so it doesn’t stick in the fat rolls when you sit. Don’t picture yourself there. Try on a larger size. Steer away from the narrow door. Raise your head so you don’t get a double chin. Don’t walk by that group of guys sitting there. Make sure you pull your pants up. Try not to look forward to that party. Dance so your ass doesn’t jiggle. Stand at an angle. Don’t order anything to eat that may be embarrassing. Wear something baggy. Don’t draw attention to yourself. No skirts above cellulite level. Keep your arms away from your sides. Don’t take the elevator. Eat the apple. Carry the binder in front of your stomach…

No one should feel this way. And no one should be okay with other people feeling this way.

My hopes haven’t changed

Like I said before, even though I’m no longer obese or even overweight, I’m still upset about this. Not only am I still upset, I’m absolutely furious. I am furious that I felt badly about myself and that no one bothered to tell me that it wasn’t a big deal. I’m furious that although my body has changed, the world still hasn’t. I’m furious that the shit just won’t stop.

This is what I’m afraid of. That there will be another little girl like me who eats normally, acts normally and lives normally until she realizes that she is ten pounds heavier that anyone else. Then she realizes that none of those people on tv are ten pounds heavier than anyone else. That there is no one else. Just a bunch of thin people. Suddenly, the cheekpulls will stop and she won’t be hugged by her aunts because she’s cuddly. She’ll notice their hurtful comments. And how her baby fat isn’t melting off like it is on her best friends. How different everything is for her than it is for her skinnier counterparts. How she’s excluded out of cliques when others her age figure this out. She’ll go on diets, awful diets. She’ll skip meals. She’ll cry. She’ll be afraid. She’ll throw up. She’ll exercise… more than anyone. She’ll still be overweight. She’ll skip out on parties. She’ll think everyone is judging her. She’ll buy clothes for when she loses weight. She’ll put her future on hold until she does it. This will happen.

If you don’t care about me or about other girls. Worry about yourself. Worry about your sisters and your daughters and those close to you who are struggling with this. I can’t fight this one on my own, guys.
You need to do it with me.

Who are you when you’re not fat?

I have so many topics swirling around in my head so I’ve been totally procrastinating and not writing at all.
Once in a while I like to randomly surf PUA forums (“Pick-Up Artists”  for all you noobs) and this is the general gist of what I’m hearing…

Average or unattractive girls are usually more defensive and cold when you approach them because they’re instantly suspicious of you. Sometimes it’s harder to pick up a 5 or a 6 than it is to score a 10.

Sounds about right. I mean, let’s get real, ladies and gents. I haven’t lost a person and a half worth of weight but I have lost enough to be noticed and in a short period of time which has given me some perspective because I actually remember being a bigger girl in September. And in September, I was suspicious. I was bitter. I was bitchy. And I wasn’t alone, apparently.
There’s this shield that 5′s and 6′s surround themselves with. They are defensive and suspicious. They look defensive and suspicious. Men look at them looking defensive and suspicious. Who is going to try to talk to someone so defensive and suspicious? It’s a self-destructive cycle.
But I couldn’t stop. When I was fatter, I was convinced that anyone who wanted to talk to me didn’t think I was attractive. When I dropped 35 pounds (almost 40 as of yesterday, folks), I was hit on by my own male friends. I was getting looks in the hallways at school. I was getting checked out. And that’s when the confidence soared and the shield started cracking.
It’s so unnecessary. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb. It’s an amazing book. I read it over the weekend and seriously, that girl is fat and bitchy. I can’t blame her for being fat and bitchy because that bitchiness is a defense mechanism. What is sadder is that everyone realizes it. If a fat girl is sitting on the stool looking unhappy, people don’t wonder why she’s unhappy. They just assume that it’s because she’s fat. And a lot of the time, the thing she is unhappy about is a direct consequence of her being fat. Anyway, that book made me fucking mad. I’ve never been as big as that girl but it pissed me off like a mother. I don’t think I’ve ever been heckled to my face because of my weight but if they ever did, I wouldn’t know what to do. I’d lose it.
Last year, I realized I was judging fat people (I think I wrote a post about it but I’m too lazy to find it).  Then I decided to stop it. It’s wrong to judge people by their weight, it’s just like judging them because of their race or the quality of their clothes or anything like that. I wanted to look at a fat person and see a person. I think I had accomplished that to some extent.
But now, I want to help bigger people. There’s a girl in my class who is about 250 lbs and I go out of my way to be nice to her. I want her to realize that I look at her and see her, not her size of pants like I know everyone else does. I don’t know why I feel so insistent about it but I want it to be like that. She’s of course, really really suspicious. We plus-sized girls like to judge and size each other up and at the beginning of the year I was twenty pounds heavier than I am now. The more I shrink, the more I try to talk to her. She’s probably confused and I’m basically exploiting her for my own agenda. Because I’m a fucking hypocrite. I want to make her life better but I don’t want to be in her shoes at all. I wish I could be a totally satisfied person at 250 lbs but I know I’ll never be able to be. However, if there is anyone out there who does have that ability, I highly encourage them to give it a shot. The smaller I get, the more I realize that we need fat acceptance. What if I get fat again? What if my kids end up fat? What if someone out there is fat and it’s shitty and not fair and it could be okay.
Yes, I feel better because I’m thinner but like I’ve said before again and again… it shouldn’t have to be this way.
I was in Vegas last year and I invited a large girl to our VIP table (it was her birthday and all her friends were dancing while she was standing by herself). I introduced her to my friends and made conversation. Later on that night, one of my friends commented that the girl was really big. I agreed. She smiled at me and said “you’re so nice”.
It shouldn’t have to be that way. It shouldn’t be something that is extraordinary or as if I’m making an exception for a fat girl. If I’d invited anyone else over, it would have been cool whether they were black, white, a tranny… whatever. It was because she was fat that made this situation special.
I don’t know, guys. It’s stupid that we don’t tolerate a black person being called a nigger, a woman who has CUNT sprayed on her car, someone spitting at an old man… but if a big girl is called a whale, has PIG sprayed on her car or is spat on… it’s not a big deal. It’s rude. Sure. But it’ll be accepted because it’s almost as if big people deserve it.
There is so much hatred towards people 200+ lbs and I hate it. I’ve never been there (gotten close) but how would I feel if I was treated like a second class citizen? How would you feel?
It’s just shitty… is all I’m saying…

I have a friend

She used to weigh 110 lbs two years ago…
and rapidly gained 40 lbs due to medicine.
She won’t leave the house. Won’t go out, go clubbing.
Says she’s too embarassed.
Gave up on all her friends.
Says they are too judgmental because “I used to be like that”
She tells me this and tells me that she had no idea before.
Now, she asks me how I feel and how what she feels will ever go away.
The whole… thinking about your fat all the time…
Planning future events with the idea that you will be skinnier by then
Buying smaller clothes because you hope you’ll fit into them
Using the “but I’m fat” excuse for doing anything in life
I told her, no it doesn’t. Even if you tone it down, it will never go away.
Not until you accept the fact that you’re fat.
And I never will. Because I’ve wanted to be skinny all my life.
Admitting that I’m fat is giving up on that.
Giving up on the perfect life I’ll never have because I’m skinny.
I’m comfortable. Too comfortable being unsatisfied with my body.
And then she says, you have such a beautiful face.
We’re both too pretty to be fat. Lets go on Weight Watchers.
So I’m like okay but what the fuck, why do I care?
It depresses me. She was so much happier when she was skinnier.
I wish I could make her happy when she’s fat.
If she’s happy and fat, it means that I don’t have to feel guilty anymore.
Because then it is okay to be happy and fat.

Seeking: thyroid problem, slow metabolism, poor genes, basically any excuse

Today, I took pictures of myself naked just to see what I look like.
Quite obviously, I’m a far cry from the skinny model-types you see today.
The problem with me is that I’m always in this constant self-image battle. Sometimes I tell myself I am hideous, sometimes I convince myself that I’m not so hideous and then of course, there’s my perception of other people’s perceptions of me.
The belly and backfat I saw didn’t help this issue but I sat around analyzing the pictures and telling myself it isn’t so bad.
But it is, isn’t it?
The thing is I make excuses for myself because I stop myself from going to extremes. I have resorted to purging and crash dieting before, that’s a whole other story. But because admitting to myself that I need to lose weight gets tiring sometimes. Sometimes I need to just be okay with myself.
That sucks because it leaves me unmotivated.
It’s pretty much a no-win situation here.
I either feel fake good about myself and don’t try to diet which leaves me with low self esteem
Or
I tell myself I suck and need to lose a ton if weight which leaves me with low self esteem.
The only way I win is if I ever lose weight and honestly, I’m not a fat acceptance supporter. I know the health issues that come with being fat. My dad is diabetic. I don’t want to go that lane. I will never be okay with being overweight.
Ugh I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate this whole weepy victimized state that I put myself in. I’ll blame self control and will power but it’s not anyone else pulling the strings, it’s me. I am responsible for my own actions.