G/W makes out (and she’s not embarrassed)

So for the second Saturday night in a row, I have engaged in random making out. And it doesn’t make me cringe when I think about it! Guess what, guys, if you haven’t been following my blog… this is a first!
I have never not felt embarassed after making out with a boy.
Anyway, this was a friend of a friend who I’ve hung out with a few times. He is absolutely hilarious, a little nerdy, kind of cute and we were just sitting on the couch while two of our other friends were making out.
He said, let’s make out.
I said, okay.
And so we made out. And made out. And made out.
And it was good. I only drew away twice (which is not unheard of because kissing makes me panic and run away) and he was a fairly good kisser (I know I say fairly good even though I have limited experience with kissing but I enjoyed myself). Things did get heated once or twice but every time that happened, one of us eased up. The great thing was that he didn’t tell me how hot or sexy he thought I was and instead, we jibed each other about facial hair and brushing our teeth (yes, I brushed my teeth beforehand and made him brush his before I let him kiss me. Whatever).
So yeah, it made me feel a lot better about douchebag from last weekend (btw thanks for your supportive comments guys). What I liked is that I’m a little into him but not totally into him (usually I start with the elaborate fantasies about him and me and baby makes three- but this time I’ve had that fantasy once and it was more like an afterthought rather than an actually fantasy).
Regardless of whether or not this will happen again or not, I’m okay with what happened and I could care less either way.
I feel like a teenager. But I finally get it. Making out is fun.
P.S. Updates on Frodo. At a mutual friend’s party a few months ago, he admitted that he thought I was attractive and basically implied that he wanted to make out with me. I didn’t bite. The next time I saw him, he was chasing some skirt (who I was gracious enough to help him out with). Anyway, it didn’t work out with her.  Right before leaving for here, we ended up meeting for drinks and I told him that I used to like him but that I stopped after he did [blank action]. Segue into a three hour long drunken conversation about the meaning of life and how he claims that he doesn’t really feel that strongly about [blank action]. I finally choked and let him know that regardless of popular belief, I was a virgin and that I had never really planned on one-knighting him. He looked a little relieved? Confused? I don’t know? The realization that I wasn’t going to kiss him dawned on him, I guess. We awkward-turtle hugged. He left. I got on a plane 24 hours later with indefinite plans about when I’d be returning. I think that’s the end of myself and Frodo (unless he feels like pursuing me when I get home which I have qualms about but who knows).
P.P.S. I’ve sorted out the page concerning the history of my love life (lol) to clear all this stuff up

Frodo Strikes Back!

So most of you might have heard about Frodo (click his name for the nutshell version). Well, he’s back in my life… ish. And it’s just as messed up as before.
My friend was having a house party and I showed up with Doubles. Frodo immediately asks me if we’re dating, I guess he didn’t believe me last time and I told him that we were never going to date. He told me I should date Doubles, I gave him a look and he laughed. I asked him about his girlfriend and he said he didn’t have one, I gave him another look. He didn’t laugh (I guess he’s not seeing her anymore or maybe he’s playing games).
Later on, I see this random girl hitting on Frodo and I recruit Doubles to draw her away so I could talk to him. He did a good job of it. I even told Frodo that I told Doubles to get him away from her… and Frodo thanked me (wtf, could I get clearer?). We were laughing, he was brushing my arm et cetera, we were taking pictures together but when I got up for a second to take pictures of a friend, he left. I was very confused. He had walked over to Doubles and thanked him for taking away that chick. Doubles decides he’s going to be my wingman and starts talking to him about me, apparently Frodo asked him what the deal between Doubles and I was and Doubles confirmed that it wasn’t going to happen. They got distracted and started talking about something else.
I decided Frodo was ruining my night so I avoided him (how much clearer can I be, Frodo?). I was a little drunk and I told Doubles that I was upset. Doubles told me that I was probably giving Frodo mixed signals. I was very confused at that. I told him that Frodo didn’t like me and that this was alright with me, I can’t hate someone for not thinking I’m attractive. Doubles just shrugged and said that was fair… then walked away (I was mad at him too).
So I generally avoided Frodo and he didn’t talk to me for a while but then he started coming back and sticking himself into photos of myself and my friends, asking if I was driving home et cetera. I was very calm after this and called a cab. I say good bye to Frodo, he hugs me… and I leave, still a little depressed because I had gotten over him and now he was involved in my life again.
The next day he commented on one of the terrible pictures of him and me (this is the first time he’s ever said anything directly to me on facebook)… that’s about it.
See, this is what I hate… getting sucked in over and over again. I feel like I’m floating around, always touching land but never quite getting there. I’m determined that I’ll ignore Frodo next time but I know I won’t. There’s this hope inside me that won’t die. It tells me that someone like him could actually like someone like me… if I was anyone else, I’d be feeling really bad for me.
I don’t know. I know it’s not the worst thing in the world but I’m just tired of feeling constantly rejected. When I was overweight, I could attribute it to that but now that’s not an option anymore. I could still say that 140 lbs is too big but that’s still a cop out. Which leads me to the fact that just don’t have what it takes to attract someone like him and no matter what I do, I’m just not enough as a person and it sucks.

—
So to make sure that this post isn’t a total failure, I decided to post some links of new single/unexperienced bloggers who have been lurking around my blog in the past few months or that I’ve found unexpectedly. When my regularly read blogs aren’t being updated, I like reading stuff related to virginity/being single so I’d appreciate it if you’d post some links too.
If you’re new, my sidebar has a list of few links to other blogs (which desperately needs to be updated, I have way more that I subscribe too but I’m weeding some of them out) but they’re good to get you started. I highly recommend visiting Jo and Amanda if you’re single blogging and Queen V and Ecrivain if you’re specifically looking for older virgin related blogs.
Here are the newbies/newly found blogs (:
The Thoughts of a Type A, Over Analyzer
The Dancing Orange
Sick of Being Single
Let’s Just Make It Happen
Bumbling
P.S. I’m back into constant study mode and your blogs make those 5 minute breaks worth it so keep posting! Also, did anyone see this? Apparently, virginity is back in again. Yay, we’re cool!

 

Awkward Girl Faces Her Nemesis, The Social Cue Demon

I’ve been wondering about how I should phrase my ideas around this post. It basically involves the pitfalls of researching things like sexual interactions, virginity and such… it’s kind of like an overload of information. Like oil in a glass of water, they don’t combine very well. It floats on top and when the time comes to actually putting it to use, no amount of stirring or shaking will make it mix with the water.
That’s how I feel every time I’m in a situation where I’m talking to a guy or in a position where I could get approached by a guy. It’s easy to tell yourself to relax but it’s different to actually do it- I tell myself to act confidence, to make eye contact, to flirt… to do things that I’m not really used to doing naturally. I start remembering articles about how to act, about what to say, how to flip my hair and it’s confusing. It’s awkward. And I feel as if the guy I’m talking to senses this awkwardness.
It’s disturbing because for the longest time, I convinced myself that guys weren’t interested in me because of my weight. Later on, I realized that it wasn’t the weight, it was the no-no-signals I was sending out to all men. But now that I’m trying to remedy this, I’m finding myself lost. I feel like a new driver who has been through four weeks of classroom training who is thrown into the front seat of a semi and order to start driving down the highway at 130 km/hr. It’s nerve racking.
But it doesn’t even end there. I wonder if VSoL is holding me back. I feel like this label may be hurting me. I’ve defined myself as a single girl endlessly searching for love and I’m afraid that it may just stay that way due to my own behaviour- and the constant overanalyzing that I do on this blog.
I tried to talk to a friend who has a lot of success with men and she told me to act “natural”. I have no idea what that means. I tried acting natural with Frodo but that only came back and bit me in the ass. But as I mentioned before, there is a cute boy in my class who seems to pay attention to me because I talk to everyone around me and act confidence (something I’m not used to). For all I know though, he’s not interested at all- or he may be but I never make much eye contact so I threw him off (You see? This is what I mean)
I used to think of myself as a self-fulfilling prophecy. The fat girl who thinks she’s not attractive to men ends up acting like she has low self esteem and thus, men aren’t interested in her. Now I feel like the single girl who thinks she’s lacking in the experience department and all the compensation for that is hampering her from actually obtaining the experience that she wants.
Anyway, I don’t know guys, what should I do? I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place- if I just play it cool and be myself, it seems like a legit idea except for the fact that it hasn’t ever worked for me and I feel really naive and dorky. On the other hand, I could keep reading evolutionary biology books and dating advice articles but it isn’t getting me anywhere and may even making me a little crazy. I’m confused.

If you’re single and you know it, flash a smile

I’ve started to realize how depressing my blog really is. Instead of talking about things that I’m finding interesting, I’ve just been ranting about how my life sucks.
The buck stops here.
Because I’m really starting to feel as if I’m finally getting to the summit of this mountain of post-teenage angst that I’ve been going through and so… I’m going to start reverting to the reason why I started to write this blog. So I can learn from it and hopefully, other people going through what I’m going through can learn from it as well.
So I’m going to start off with a lesson that everyone knows about already but little virgys like me used to ignore.
You’re not going to get attention at a bar by acting like a cold snot-nosed bitch.
As much as I complained about not getting as much attention as my friends or not the right sort of attention that I wanted, I didn’t do much to change it. Okay, I pretended that I did… but I really didn’t. My fear of rejection expanded to being rejected over a smile.
So here’s a little bit of a background story…
My friend’s boyfriend and his friends went to the same high school as I did. They were the “studs” so I tried avoiding them… even in the past 4 years since high school. Which was a little awkward since my friend and all my other friends were quick to make friends with her boyfriend’s friends. But I was overweight and  insecure so I wouldn’t acknowledge them when we were all hanging out, even when they directly looked at me in order to ask me a question or something. It was easier to refuse to talk to them than to deal with them not wanting to talk to me. I haven’t seen any of these guys in a year except for Band, this one really hot one (who I served at a bar once), and when I later saw him at another bar, he thanked me for the drinks and I responded with a wry smile.
Fast forward to last weekend. These boys were all over at my friend’s house and I was dressed to the nines. It was getting extremely awkward to the point that I knew they all wanted to talk to me. As in, they were referring to things that I was saying and I was just ignoring them (I know, I’m a frustrating person). Finally, after I got a few drinks in me. I turned to friend’s boyfriend’s friends and told them I was heading to the kitchen and if they wanted me to grab anything for them. Band was thrilled, he said he already had a beer but if I’d like to grab him another one, that would be ace. I did it for him and we chatted for a little bit. Then we went to the bar.
And I was in my element.
I was smiling at Band. Smiling at all his friends. Smiling at anyone who came up to the table to talk to them. Which resulted in a lot of free drinks. Actually, I was smiling at just about any attractive boy in the bar… and running away, when they came to approach me (come on, I can’t progress that much in one night).
When I left, Band was severely disappointed and told me so by holding my hands and asking me not to leave. His other friends seemed a little choked up as well.
So here’s the lesson girls, the advice columns are right: if you can find the courage within yourself to do so… smile at men in bars.
I’m not sure why that night was so good for me with Band and his friends. I can’t attribute it all to the weight loss and the fact that I looked great. I think it was a mixture of the fact that I finally started talking to them and that I was smiling a lot- at them and at anyone.
Whether you think I’m moving forward or not is up to you. I can’t promise I can do a repeat next time but I feel as if I’m taking a step in the right direction. And after three years of whining about being frozen in one spot, I think that’s a pretty good sign.
P.S. What is with the snow on my blog and how do I turn it off?
P.P.S. Is this not awesome, or what?

So… any boys in your life? I can actually answer that with a yes this time

So… remember Frodo who I thought was into me and then I was sure he was into me and then I determined that he was into someone else? Well, he is really throwing me off.
We’ve all hung out together (as a group) once or twice after the last post where that random girl showed up. During those times, I was friendly but I didn’t go out of my way to capture him in conversation.
Fast forward to a few nights ago when we were both hammered at a party. Initially, I floated around because I knew a lot of people and I said hi to Frodo in passing. Later on I saw him talking to a few girls but I had chalked him up to a loss a long time ago. Later on, I was talking to some mutual friends when he comes up to us and says we should all go dance. We get onto the dance floor, he pulls me towards him and now we’re getting down and dirty (P.S. As extensive as his list of skills and accomplishments is… Frodo can’t dance, it was painful).
While we’re dancing, I try to keep it casual with some light conversation but a few of our mutual friends started watching us, hollering and making rude gestures and besides that, Frodo’s hand was moving closer and closer to my ass. At this point, I found it appropriate to inform Frodo that although I thought he was cute, I wasn’t going to sleep with him. He said he knew I wasn’t and that it made him like me better (I know, roll eyes).
To be honest, dancing with him was a blur. I remember talking about music, about the party, about people there and I had the feeling that if this kept going the way it was going, I was heading towards a makeout session.
Of course, now that we’ve been dancing for a whole 20 minutes,  G’s internal man-repelling alarm starts going off and my mind starts searching for excuses as to how I can get myself out of this situation. I immediately pull in a friend who was dancing close to me and her boyfriend (who is a little bit of a perv). Somehow, the topic moves to lesbian kissing and my friend’s boyfriend and Frodo start egging me and my friend to make out. They’re both drunk and were pretty desperate so friend and I obliged them with a quick peck. They were obviously not satisfied with that but the whole girl-on-girl mania was pissing me off especially since Frodo was endorsing it. I cut myself loose and started talking to a friend.
A few minutes later, I decided to leave. I found Frodo talking to one of his friends that I had been introduced to that day. I told him I was leaving and hugged him, hugged the new friend (who is also cute) for good measure, answered in an affirmative to Frodo’s question about whether I was leaving already and I peaced out.
I don’t know what this boy was playing at exactly. But my little defensive shield tells me that he realized I was into him and wanted to take advantage of that. I want to be off the mark but I don’t know if I am or not. He was really fun  to dance with but I didn’t notice him making a lot of effort to talk to me beforehand and that makeoutwithgirls stuff really set off my pig-radar. Yes, I realize that he was hammered and that he is usually a perfect gentleman et cetera et cetera but I found it unnerving.
I’m happy that I didn’t make out with him but I’m unhappy that I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like my instinctual scan of his reaction towards me was disappointing. Otherwise, I’d be leaping for joy on the way home rather than be confused.
The thing is, this doesn’t happen to me. I mean, in real life as in people I know and not drunk at a bar somewhere in Vegas. I’ve never had interactions where a guy I wouldn’t mind dating is making the moves on me. I’m the unrequited-love girl, not the mutual-connection girl. I don’t know what to do about this boy who I see randomly once or twice a month who may be involved with someone but is really perfect and I just…
Even if I want to make the leap, I don’t know how. And I’m stuck,
I’m stuck between wanting to make the leap and being played for a fool. I hate not feeling good enough and my confidence has been shot as it is. I’ve finally started gaining some as I’ve lost weight. I don’t want to annihilate it completely again.

In search of the One Ring

I was on fire.
No, not literally, although I wouldn’t be surprised if you thought I was. I’m not a stranger to accidents.
First of all, I need a new name for hot guy since I like to name all hot guys hot guy. So I’m giving him a new pseudonym: Frodo. It’s very relevant and very fitting. Just don’t question it.
Anyway, I get into the bar where I’m meeting the friend who introduced us. I had no idea Frodo was in the house. He was in front of me in line. I panicked and ran away (of course). Later, I find my friends sitting at a table. They were looking pretty occupied in discussion but Frodo was fiddling with his beer so I said hi to him first and sat next to him. He looked happy to see me (I guess as a reaction to the huge grin on my face). It was perfect. I spent most of it talking to him and joking around. I was feeling pretty good. My friend’s ex-boyfriend was also sitting next to me and was trying to grab my attention from the other side- but I wasn’t fazed, it made me look good anyway. Frodo was laughing too. He wasn’t too forward in trying to talk to me (I get the feeling he’s a little shy) but it was good anyway. When I asked how his party went, he asked me why I didn’t come. We talked to each other about our families, school etc. He was trying to read the texts on my phone. We were making conversation, smiling, everything was going great. Until I turned around to say hi to a friend…
Now if you remember, I met Frodo through my friend’s boyfriend. When I turned back around Frodo was in deep discussion with his friend and I heard a “her” come up pretty often. I was pissed. My friend, her boyfriend and Frodo were soon talking dynamically about some girl and my friend kept insisting that she wasn’t worth it, that Frodo deserved something better and that this had been going on for too long etc. I ignored the situation and started talking to other people on the table. When Frodo got up and left, I took his vacated seat and started talking to his friend hoping he’d tell me a little about what was going on. As I was sitting there, I received a phone call from a friend who told me he had arrived at the bar. At the same time, Frodo came back with this beautiful girl, introduced her to everyone and sat down across from me. I was on the phone and was determined to ignore her. I inquired as to who the new show was and my friend responded with her name- not helpful at all but at least she wasn’t introduced as his girlfriend or something. Pretty soon, my obnoxious male friend showed up and it all went downhill from there. Frodo and new show left to go dance. I left to drive my drunk friend home.
I’m supposed to be hanging out with some friends in a few days and Frodo is supposed to be there.
There’s just so many ways to see the situation. He looked like he was interested but how am I supposed to know? What kind of a guy spends all night talking to a girl and then calls over another girl (obviously one whose only interested in the latter one). He seemed to be having a lot of fun talking to me but he might have just wanted to be friends? He seemed put out whenever I was talking to my friend’s ex-boyfriend on the right but it could have been wishful thinking and he was bored? I should be asking my friend but at the same time she would definitely tell her boyfriend who would definitely tell Frodo and she isn’t the type to set up people.
I’m chalking it up to a loss. I think I got a little ahead of myself this time. I’m not hot shit yet and I don’t know where I stand. I guess I forgot my motto there: have low expectations so you’re always surprised and never disappointed. Time to go back to the status quo. It was a valiant attempt on my part thought- at least I talked to him and he didn’t find me too boring

Another useless post about how I can’t deal with the opposite sex… and more on that random hot guy

First of all, WordPress. I’m not impressed with this new floating head thing that you put up. It confuses me. I want to check on my blog surfer and write a new post. You have made this unnecessarily complicated.
Secondly, I need to write a post that actually has some substance instead of my personal angsty crap.
Thirdly, (and on to the angst) have I not realized yet that I need to stop basing my attractiveness on my perception of the reactions of other people towards me? (before you ask, no, I’m not drunk and that sentence did make sense if you read it slowly)
Actually, though. I highly doubt that I am perceptive enough to figure out what my friends are thinking at any given moment never mind a random stranger in a bar.
Thirdly, have I not realized yet that I need to stop basing my attractiveness on my perception of the reactions of strangers at a bar?
I mean, I can’t pay attention to all of them all the time. And I also go out my way to ignore them.
Here’s a case study: tonight, I went to a bar and I said to myself, okay, G. This is your night. You will make eye contact with a man and draw him towards you with the body language skills that PBS says belong to women (last I checked, I’m still a woman).
So I go to the bar. Sit on a stool and fiddle with my phone.
We go up to the bar. My two friends and I are standing in line. This moderately attractive guy comes up to us and says hi. One of my girlfriends (who has a boyfriend) moves up to the bar). My other moderately unattractive friend (I mean it in the nicest way possible) says hi to him… and I run away. I literally head straight for the bathroom.
I don’t understand why I did that. Am I really that petrified of rejection? Plus, he came up to us. I mean, what’s the worst that could have happened? Additionally, all night long, when someone glanced at me (anyone, not even a random guy), I would look away immediately.
I need some serious help. I am a freak. What is wrong with me??
P.S. That hot guy in the last post (two posts ago?) invited my friend (who is going out with his friend) to a party at his place and told her to bring me and my friend (who was also there at the bar where we met except she was with her boyfriend). Am I to take this as a sign? We met like, once. Anyway, I can’t go because I have prior commitments (that’s not my fear of rejection speaking, I actually do have plans)

Panic at the disco

There was this one time a yearish ago when this guy hit on me. Not like a thehotguy kind of flirtation, this was definitely him hitting on me.
I was sober (as usual) at a club (as usual) laughing at my friends who were drunk and being groped by men (as usual) and this guy approached me (not as usual but it does happen surprisingly frequently) and he was hot (this is the wtf part).
So he asked me if I wanted to dance and I said sure. He pulled me away from them and we started dancing.
And also when I say hot, I don’t mean thehotguy type of model hot, I mean a general kind of hot that any girl would think is hot. Thing is though, he wasn’t really my type- I prefer the Italiany dark talk and handsome guy and this one was- white and bald. But I could feel the muscles in his back. That was sexy.
We were talking, he asked me if I was the DD, I replied with the affirmative. I asked him if he was driving, he said he had DUI so his licence was suspended (what a winner). His breath smelled like stale beer. He was sweet and kind of controlling, the way he was just taking charge of me and I don’t know I guess I like that? But then I bailed.
I excused myself to go “check on my friends” and later on when I saw him coming up to me again, I immediately started rummaging in my purse and looking busy so he left. I later saw him exiting with this other girl who was kind of overweightish (guess he was a chubby chaser?). This has happened a few times since. When someone decent approaches me, I’ll tell them I have to leave or that I have a boyfriend. I used to think of was because I was used to rejecting weirdos that I would reject everyone but that’s not it.
What I find really interesting is how I panic. I reject and then look for them in the crowd. And every time, I pull the same shit.
I used to be so confident and for some reason it’s all gone to hell.
I used to be cool with everyone. Insecure about my weight, sure, but not insecure about myself. I wouldn’t have felt weird conversing with someone. I wonder when that changed.
And I still don’t understand what the hell I’m so afraid of.