Rewind: Well Meaning Friends

I’m interrupting my seriousstudytime in order to bring you this important message:
Darcy: My 23 year old friend friend, Darcy, had a crush on this guy for a long time. We had this in common and we used to talk about it all the time. She started seeing someone last January. She didn’t admit that he was her “boyfriend” until June. She slept with him (first time) and got over her crush. Now she’s officially in a relationship. At times,  I gave her advice about this relationship.
In case you were wondering, Darcy is now a relationship expert.
Case in point: We go out for drinks the other night.
We see a cute guy walk by.
Darcy: Oooh I like his style… but no way. I’d only consider it if I wanted to get laid <- the wink actually happened
Hmm interesting since her and I were always against the casual sex thing when we were virgins. Um oh well…
She tells me about her relationship etc etc. I’m happy for her, advise her on how to deal with her conservative parents.
She asks me what was up with Frodo (I had told her about it a few weeks ago) and I lightly informed her of the last time we met and told her I had given up on him. I tell her about this other guy in one of my classes who had been chatting me up.
Darcy: Um oh my god, kay. G, seriously. I wouldn’t be saying this if I was sober but… you need to give up on Frodo. I mean, if he’s not calling you, you know?
G: Yeah, I know. Haha I realize that obviously.
Darcy: No. I’m serious. I’ve done that so many times. It’s not worth it to set your heart on a guy. You should leave him alone. He sounds way too immature.
G: Yeah, Darcy. I know. Why do you think I don’t really care anymore?
Darcy: (still not getting it) Trust me, one day you’ll find a guy who will appreciate you and he’ll want to call you and want to hang out with you.
G: Lol kay well you know I’m not ready for anything serious anyway and I don’t really like him that much and this other guy-
Darcy: No. Seriously. Like, you remind me so much of myself and I’m telling you this for your own good. You shouldn’t have to chase him. You deserve a good guy. Don’t sell yourself short or be desperate or anything. Your guy is out there in the world. He’ll come to you in time.
I wanted to throttle her.
Um excuse me, girl who has been in a working relationship for less than a year, spent most of her time hung up on this other guy, expended all her time on random other men who didn’t like her… I am not you. I am not the previous you. We are nothing alike. Sure, we were both virgins with longstanding crushes on guys who didn’t want us. There are a million more of us and we are not all the same. Even though I feel like she’s an idiot and she knows nothing by claiming she knows everything, I feel as if she hit a nerve- she told me what I had been telling myself and what you guys had been telling me I shouldn’t be: that I should be cautious.
I’m just so freaking frustrated right now. Okay, you’re drunk. But who do you think you are, Darcy?
P.S. Guys, I do have other good news about guys but seriously, girls… especially girls with zip experience who are radiating smugness. For someone who has been claiming that you’ve been fine outside a relationship, you sure are feeling hella secure when you’re in one.

The gay dream

So I haven’t talked about friend-guy in a while.

He has pushed me away. I don’t know whether to blame him or myself but it’s easier to blame him because I’m not sure he ever fully cared in the first place. He has taken to not replying to my text message which he never ever does so I think he hates me. I’ve been telling myself over the past three months that I don’t care- it doesn’t matter to me what he thinks. I’m over it.But at the same time, I want to see him. I’m so upset that he doesn’t call me and ask me to hang out when he does that for my other girl friends. I’m incredibly pissed at his character flaws which I know are plentiful and I can’t stop being angry at him. I’m mad that we don’t flirt or talk like we used to. I’m mad that when we’re in a group and we used to spend all night talking, now we barely say a sentence to each other. I’m mad that things turned out like this when I used to be such good friends with him.

I’m so confused too because I’m not sure whether he stopped wanting to talk to me because I played him or because he doesn’t like my personality. But then did I ever mean anything like that to him in the first place? I am upset. I’ve told myself that I’m angry because he’s neglecting me as a friend.

But yesterday, I had a dream. In the dream… my friend S was talking to someone who was making fun of friend-guy. She eventually burst out on him and said something to the likes of “friend-guy was seeing this guy for a long time and he even went on a trip with him but eventually broke it off” and by that she essentially told everyone that he was gay. When I heard this, my heart dropped. I was devastated, as in inconsolible. I was so choked that he was gay. I haven’t been that distraught in a dream ever.

And now I’m wondering if it meant anything. If I actually do like him more than I thought and I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t because I think he doesn’t like me. It adds up, I mean, I think about him a lot when recently I only see him once every two weeks. I don’t even know if he is worth it- so many of my friends say he’s really immature and insensitive and not worth it. I hate that this is happening to me.

I want a fresh slate.

But not even a fresh slate, I just want our relationship to go back to friendship where I don’t care at all. It’s so much better than being in a place where I’m barely his friend and he doesn’t like me (regardless of the reasons). I don’t want to feel any more.

Glowing pink, purple, blue…

My friend is cool.
Uber cool
You know the people… who you hang out with… and they just seem so damn cool. Generally, just living cool lives and hanging out with cool people and it’s like they don’t even realize how cool they are.
Seriously, I’m sitting outside on her balcony having a smoke (at her excellent new apartment which looks so stellar now that she’s decorated it to her taste) with a girl wearing bright yellow nailpolish and bright pink sunglasses in a totally ironic and adorable way, a stubbly cute redhead wearing tattered board shorts and a handsome blue-eyed stud with a I’m-gay-and-it’s-better-than-way grin. Where on earth does she find these people? They are so damned interesting. Just weaving in and out of her place all day long. It’s like a constant party of kick ass people doing their own thing everywhere. Half of them are getting ready to go to a rave. The other half are starting to crack open a tequila.
It’s all just sweet. And it’s such a beautiful sunny day. I wonder where they all go in the winter. They just seem like light-loving vampires who shirk snow and general cold unpleasantness.
My neon green toenail polish is starting to chip. Chipping nailpolish always bothers me but right now, I actually feel good about it.

Bitches, bitches, bitches…

When I have a problem with a friend. I call all my other friends to reassure myself that I still have friends. In turn, I get a bunch of coffee dates and a few girl nights out. Therefore, I am booked up for the next week.
Fights make me anxious. Especially if I feel that I didn’t get my proper say in. I call everyone, relay the fight and ask if I was justified. Apparently I was justified this weekend (I got fucked over really badly). But I forgive too much. Everyone who knows me thinks I’m too nice.
There’s an application on iPhone called Girl Wars where you “diss” girls and make money by how effective your diss is. The effectiveness of your diss depends on how many shoes or sunglasses you have. The loser gets sent to the spa to recover.
A) If only fighting with girls were that easy
B) If it worked, I’d be in the spa

The Post-Highschool Popularity Contest

Am I popularity conscious? Who isn’t… well, isn’t is not the correct term. I guess, I was. We could all pick out who the cool kids were and who was… not. I guess in high school, I felt like an observer. It only affected me up to a certain point.
I was never really part of the “in” crowd. I guess I wanted to be a little bit only because I wanted to get closer to my high school crush.
I had my group and we basically did everything together, hang out, get drunk, etc.
It’s only until that group fell apart that my best friend (Becky) and I started actually partying and going out. We did make friends with a few “cool” girls but they were more laid back than the actual prissy girls that lied at the top of the food chain. This was about the last half of senior year and although I am still friends with some of these girls, I wouldn’t say that I could call them my best friends.
I remember after gradding, a friend and I went to this restaurant and she pointed out that our server was a girl she had seen at our prom who never actually went to our high school. I knew she looked familiar and I told her so. We told her what school we went to. Her face lit up and she asked us if we knew so-and-so, and so-and-so (basically, the most popular girls in our school) and after asking us if we were friends with them (which we responded with a negative), she gave us a smug look and replied that “yeahhh those are my best friends”. I just remember how pathetic she looked while she was saying it to us and I could pretty much sum her up in the following three sentences:
She was not too cool at her high school.
During senior year, she made friends with the cool girls at our high school.
She came to our prom to make up for lost time and will forever regret that she never got the popularity that she deserves.
After Becky and I had a falling out, I essentially had to create my new group of friends. I called up a few girls I knew and eventually grew really close to this girl that I had met at a party. She adopted me into her group of friends which were a bunch of really fun and beautiful girls who grew up together. They really did welcome me with open arms and I seemed to click with them so it was all good.
I didn’t realize that they were popular.
I started to get hints of it when I started looking at their old photos and the people they hung around with. They had been drinking since they were in the eighth grade. There was a big clue. A few dated some sexy guys from my school (like there were so many). I knew these girls were fun to hang out with but their social standing in high school didn’t really concern me. I never thought about that before. I guess after high school, you do tend to forget?
A few days ago, I found out that one of my classmates in one of my courses went to the same school as my friends. I asked him what year he graduated and it turned out to be the same as my friends. He asked me who I knew and I named my best friend and a few other girls. His eyes grew a little bigger with every name and he said he didn’t know them but he knew “of them” and asked me how well I knew them. I told them that they were my best friends.
What made me laugh was the different between that restaurant server and me. For half a second, I was afraid that I sounded like an idiot, just like her. But then honestly, I didn’t. High school is over. It is so over. And thank god for it. I don’t wish I went to their high school. If I did, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have been friends with them back then anyway; it just wasn’t who I was. I’m glad they’re my friends now and I don’t really need any validation to make myself feel better. Because these are my friends. They love me. I love them.
Which makes me think, what about the restaurant server and her friends? Why wasn’t her friendship enough validation? Why did she need to try to rub it into my face even though high school had been over for about a year by that point. It’s interesting, right? How her and I could kind of be in the same situation but look at it really differently

Digging my own grave

I saw this guy a few weeks ago. He is the friend of that first guy. He is the brother of one of my old friends.
I always had a feeling that he was into me but he is way way out of my league so I don’t know… I guess I’ve always shied away from it because of that, the fact that I was in love with his friend and I didn’t want to make it awkward between his sister and me.
Anyway, I saw him a few weeks ago. I always played with the notion of us getting together. I talked to him, he told me I looked good, he looked happy to see me. I had seen him watching me from the corner of his eye.
Fuck. I don’t know. I’d rather not bother in case he’s just being friendly.
It gets worse. My friend told me that night she thought he was hot and she didn’t realize I knew him. I kind of gushed about him. I’m an idiot.
I thought she wasn’t serious. She was serious.
Apparently, she has discussed him with a mutual aquaintance who is now going to fix them up.
There’s another obstacle on my list.
Especially since I was pretty sure that he would be better for me, he’s more mature than his friend, more accessible, not as cocky, more sensitive, not as superficial, his parents love me etc.
My friend is perfect for him. She is absolutely gorgeous like his old (and only) girlfriend. Blonde, skinny, blue-eyed but way nicer. I guess it’s just a matter of them being introduced.
The thing is, I am extremely loyal to my friends. I’d help her. Already have offered. Even if I feel more deserving of him, I would never betray her. I know that seems a little dramatic but with my experience with friends, it is so important.
Plus I don’t even know if that’s an option. Why do I always do this to myself.

The curse of the initiator

The problem with being a person like me is that people expect me to call them. They expect me to organize everything.
Well, what if I don’t want to? What if once in a while, someone else could do the calling- the planning.
But when I sit back and wait for that to happen, I’ll never get the call. They’ll assume I’m busy or unwilling or worse and then the whole show will go on without me.