Back to my life

So I haven’t really updated you guys on what’s going on in my own life in a while. I’m consciously trying to put Frodo out of my mind which is working out nicely so far. I went to the first week of school- there’s two cute guys in two different classes (maybe three). I talked to one of them a few days ago and called him by the wrong name (yikes). I sense that the second one is interested because I’m the only person in that class who bothers socializing with the people around me but it’s sketchy- but I catch him looking at me once every class and after that, he seems to deliberately avoids my gaze although he always looks up whenever I talk to anyone around him. Weird (he’s so hot).
Other than that, I’m getting into a dangerous situation with an ex-boyfriend of a friend who are both gems but they hate each other and my friend is not amused that I’m talking to him. They broke up while I was away and I never wanted to know what happened. I became closer friends with him after the break up (we were never great friends before). He’s super cute too and though I could imagine banging him (yes, that cute), we have nothing in common and I’d never date him. I made the mistake of getting drunk this summer and telling him how hot I thought he was. He’s been hitting on me ever since- even in the presence of his ex-girlfriend which is so uncomfortable. But I’m sticking to the chicks b4 dicks rule even though I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t do the same for me- plus, let’s get real. What am I going to do with him? An inebriated make out session? Yay to making things even more uncomfortable.
Why do these things always happen to me?
—
This blog has churned out a few really great “relevant links” posts in the past month. But here’s some more for ya…
I was doing an interview with Rachel Hills. She’s a journalist who has really focused in on modern sexuality and the dating scene. While reading through her blog, there were few posts on late virginity and singlehood that I thought you guys should check out:
The ‘V’ Word
Single figures
Why it pays to be picky
Defeat the fear that keeps you single
—-
The Dude on College Candy answers the question:
Can A Virgin Ever Find Love?

Rewind: Well Meaning Friends

I’m interrupting my seriousstudytime in order to bring you this important message:
Darcy: My 23 year old friend friend, Darcy, had a crush on this guy for a long time. We had this in common and we used to talk about it all the time. She started seeing someone last January. She didn’t admit that he was her “boyfriend” until June. She slept with him (first time) and got over her crush. Now she’s officially in a relationship. At times,  I gave her advice about this relationship.
In case you were wondering, Darcy is now a relationship expert.
Case in point: We go out for drinks the other night.
We see a cute guy walk by.
Darcy: Oooh I like his style… but no way. I’d only consider it if I wanted to get laid <- the wink actually happened
Hmm interesting since her and I were always against the casual sex thing when we were virgins. Um oh well…
She tells me about her relationship etc etc. I’m happy for her, advise her on how to deal with her conservative parents.
She asks me what was up with Frodo (I had told her about it a few weeks ago) and I lightly informed her of the last time we met and told her I had given up on him. I tell her about this other guy in one of my classes who had been chatting me up.
Darcy: Um oh my god, kay. G, seriously. I wouldn’t be saying this if I was sober but… you need to give up on Frodo. I mean, if he’s not calling you, you know?
G: Yeah, I know. Haha I realize that obviously.
Darcy: No. I’m serious. I’ve done that so many times. It’s not worth it to set your heart on a guy. You should leave him alone. He sounds way too immature.
G: Yeah, Darcy. I know. Why do you think I don’t really care anymore?
Darcy: (still not getting it) Trust me, one day you’ll find a guy who will appreciate you and he’ll want to call you and want to hang out with you.
G: Lol kay well you know I’m not ready for anything serious anyway and I don’t really like him that much and this other guy-
Darcy: No. Seriously. Like, you remind me so much of myself and I’m telling you this for your own good. You shouldn’t have to chase him. You deserve a good guy. Don’t sell yourself short or be desperate or anything. Your guy is out there in the world. He’ll come to you in time.
I wanted to throttle her.
Um excuse me, girl who has been in a working relationship for less than a year, spent most of her time hung up on this other guy, expended all her time on random other men who didn’t like her… I am not you. I am not the previous you. We are nothing alike. Sure, we were both virgins with longstanding crushes on guys who didn’t want us. There are a million more of us and we are not all the same. Even though I feel like she’s an idiot and she knows nothing by claiming she knows everything, I feel as if she hit a nerve- she told me what I had been telling myself and what you guys had been telling me I shouldn’t be: that I should be cautious.
I’m just so freaking frustrated right now. Okay, you’re drunk. But who do you think you are, Darcy?
P.S. Guys, I do have other good news about guys but seriously, girls… especially girls with zip experience who are radiating smugness. For someone who has been claiming that you’ve been fine outside a relationship, you sure are feeling hella secure when you’re in one.

The gay dream

So I haven’t talked about friend-guy in a while.

He has pushed me away. I don’t know whether to blame him or myself but it’s easier to blame him because I’m not sure he ever fully cared in the first place. He has taken to not replying to my text message which he never ever does so I think he hates me. I’ve been telling myself over the past three months that I don’t care- it doesn’t matter to me what he thinks. I’m over it.But at the same time, I want to see him. I’m so upset that he doesn’t call me and ask me to hang out when he does that for my other girl friends. I’m incredibly pissed at his character flaws which I know are plentiful and I can’t stop being angry at him. I’m mad that we don’t flirt or talk like we used to. I’m mad that when we’re in a group and we used to spend all night talking, now we barely say a sentence to each other. I’m mad that things turned out like this when I used to be such good friends with him.

I’m so confused too because I’m not sure whether he stopped wanting to talk to me because I played him or because he doesn’t like my personality. But then did I ever mean anything like that to him in the first place? I am upset. I’ve told myself that I’m angry because he’s neglecting me as a friend.

But yesterday, I had a dream. In the dream… my friend S was talking to someone who was making fun of friend-guy. She eventually burst out on him and said something to the likes of “friend-guy was seeing this guy for a long time and he even went on a trip with him but eventually broke it off” and by that she essentially told everyone that he was gay. When I heard this, my heart dropped. I was devastated, as in inconsolible. I was so choked that he was gay. I haven’t been that distraught in a dream ever.

And now I’m wondering if it meant anything. If I actually do like him more than I thought and I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t because I think he doesn’t like me. It adds up, I mean, I think about him a lot when recently I only see him once every two weeks. I don’t even know if he is worth it- so many of my friends say he’s really immature and insensitive and not worth it. I hate that this is happening to me.

I want a fresh slate.

But not even a fresh slate, I just want our relationship to go back to friendship where I don’t care at all. It’s so much better than being in a place where I’m barely his friend and he doesn’t like me (regardless of the reasons). I don’t want to feel any more.

What is going on???

You know you like meet someone, like a friend, they wanna hang out with you, call once in a while.
And so you hang out sometimes, a few months pass, then later they stop asking, they don’t do that anymore. You see them asking someone else to hang out and you’re like… wow, what just happened there? Why don’t you want to hang out anymore? Do you not like me? Did something go wrong there? Did I piss you off? Do you not like my personality? Well… what am I supposed to do? Ask them? Oh hey, how come you were so persistent about hanging out and now you’ve like given up? What can I do to get it back? Can it be gotten back because I really liked you, I thought we could have been better friends? But no?
Weird.
He’s making me feel like I did something wrong and I can’t understand what?

On how much I suck and updates on friend-guy

I feel as if I’m not good enough. Underneath it all, I don’t even know if I’m worth the trouble. I don’t know if I’m worthy of being loved by anyone. I’ve spent so much time chasing that one guy who I wasn’t good enough for. I feel like I’m never good enough. It’s conditioning I guess. But I can tell myself that over and over but inside… I believe it. I honestly think I do. I just have terrible terrible self confidence when it comes to the opposite sex. I kind of understood it but now… like, wow. I believe it. I really really don’t think I’m worth it. Knowing what I know and feeling how I do right now, if I were a third party, I’d tell a guy not to date me. I guess it is because of him: the asshole who ruined my life (see above). That’s what it feels like to have seven years of something dangled in front of your nose and trying as hard as you can to grab at it, looking like an idiot in the process, but having this understanding that you’re never going to get it. You just think you’ll never get anything.
Here’s an example… whenever a guy looks at me, he’s not looking at me. Because why would anyone look at me? (unless I’m drunk or high… then everyone is looking at me). If he wants to dance with me he is either…
a. funny (prepare to see a group of guys laughing in the background)
b. drunk
c. both
It’s this constant insecurity and I feel as if I’ve had a breakthrough. I’ve always tried to identify pieces of myself in girls I see who have any guy interested in them. A girl my age (she’s hotter), a brown girl (she’s skinnier), an overweight girl (what does she have that I don’t? Right, a lack of self loathing). Okay, it’s not that I loathe myself. I’m just unwilling to put myself out there because I’m just starting to realize that I have this idea that I’m not worth it. And who can say I am? You guys can’t. My friends can’t. My family can’t. There’s only one person who can and I’m not even sure if he exists.
So take my current situation, my dear friend could quite possibly be extremely interested in me. I even revealed my little crush to a mutual friend who assured me that it wouldn’t be a problem with the group if we got together and that whatever cons would come with it (him being teased, the coupleness starting to get annoying, a potential messy breakup) could be remedied (we promise to be friends if it doesn’t work, not be coupley) and the pros would outweight them (we would be so cute together). So now that this issue is out of the way… here’s a new one… does he actually like me?
Friend: He is definitely into you
Me: I don’t know
Because I don’t know. When I didn’t like him, I was certain he was into me. Now I’m not. And there’s this other girl he likes who is totally inappropriate for him and he knows it. She’s making me insecure. He’s making me insecure. I’m too much of a pussy to ask him because I don’t want to know that he isn’t into me.
I’m doing stupid things. I’m not replying to his texts because I don’t want it to him to think it’s too easy and get bored. I’m pretending to be indifferent and then trading that with paying him compliments. I don’t know how to act right now, that’s my problem. My friend is encouraging me to hang out with him more but that troubles me because again, I don’t want to make it too easy and I really really don’t want to friend-zone myself (is that even possible for a girl?).
I don’t know. I don’t really want to know- it’s not worth the risk. Maybe that’s why I’m happy being single. Because I’m just not a hundred percent there. I don’t see in myself what I would want to give anyone else. Especially friend-guy (which is what I’m calling him from now on, I guess) because he is such a good guy. He deserves better than me. And better than that idiot he likes.
I sometimes stop liking him but I think that’s me trying to protect myself from getting hurt.
And then I like him a lot. Then I creep his facebook. Then I see a picture of that bitch he likes. Then I look at the size of her hips. Then I want to go work out.
P.S. I had a dream where he commented on a post in this blog. And I was like WTF DID I GIVE HIM A LINK TO THE WRONG BLOG? Yeah, little freakout session there.

I apologize in advance for this lame entry

Yeah so… I have this guy in mind.
I have a sorta feasible, genuineish, conceivable kindacrush.
I think.
I don’t know… I don’t know. I don’t know. Idon’tknow.
The thing is… he’s a friend
That’s the most amazing and absolutely worst thing about him.
He’s a friend. But I don’t know if he likes me.
Actually, I’m fairly confident he likes me. But I have doubts. Many doubts.
Is this what it’s like? To like someone who likes you back?
To have someone like you and you like him back?
Weird.
We’re part of a group of friends. A group of very platonic friends.
That’s the hard part.
Messing up the group of friends.
Terrible part.
The possibility that we could stop being friends if it ends badly.
That would be an absolute disaster.
Ugh I hate how melodramatic that sounds written out.
Okay so, he’s a friend.
And we always had this super engaging friendly banter.
He’d reference our banter. A lot.
I am being such a girl right now. Ew.
I just want to know for sure, ok?
Anyway, it’s kind of like flirty. Like I tease him and he laughs.
And then he started saying things and calling me.
Then he started not wanting to talk about other girls that he might/used to have a thing with in front of me.
Then he started sending me his favourite music and letting me pick the music even if all my other friends cried at the third rendition of Fly Me to the Moon and complimenting me on my outfits and giving me his coat.
At first, I was a little thrown off. I didn’t really see it coming.
I had the idea that he liked me but he just wasn’t really my type. Not the savvy intellectual.
He’s the hilarious boy-next-door type. The guitar-playing, break-dancing kinda average guy. Like a real guy. Not a type.
So anyway, I think it started then. Especially after I got back from the trip and he said it was lame without me.
But I want to know for sure. If he likes me, I mean. Because he doesn’t make himself available for me all the time, I get anxious. If he’s busy already on a Saturday night when I tell him to come out with us or if he hasn’t texted me first recently (which he hasn’t by the way). I don’t know what it is.
I always told myself not to get in too deep without knowing for sure if the guys actually into me but… what if he’s just being a good friend and he just likes me better than he likes all of our other girl friends?
I feel the need to analyze each of his text messages but I don’t want to tell anyone. I’ve only told two people and they live out of the country.
I don’t know what to do know.
I want to be with him but what if he doesn’t actually like me like that. If he does like me like that, then I can’t not be with him so I’ll have to do what now? So if we start seeing each other, then we just broke our posse ? And if we start seeing each other, what if we don’t work? And plus there are so many religious differences that I’ll eventually have to account for. How can I even focus right now, I’m up to my neck in schoolwork. And why doesn’t he call me? Actually, he’s kind of been withdrawn lately but he waited for me at school today and I kinda ditched him- accidentally. Oh my god, that’s a revelation. He was waiting for me. And I ditched him. I strung him along for two hours while I was in class and then left to go see friends and then he told me to meet him and I had to go to class so he said he was heading home. Ahhh. I’m such an asshole. Sometimes I’m afraid that I take my teasing too far and I sound bitchy. He doesn’t like that I smoke. That’s too specific. This paragraph is all over the place and it’s driving my OCD crazy but I need to get it out.
What is wrong with me?
I’m so confused.
But kind of happy.
Why is this entry so long? I am such a dork.
This post should probably be on private.

This whole like yup-I’m-a-virgin-thing

…has been really getting to me recently.
I’m 21. Isn’t it about time that I go and be sexually active- oh right, I’m against having sex without there being any long-term love/commitment thing going on. Well, how about hooking up? Or hell, even dancing.
I was at a bar this weekend and this reasonably cute guy was trying to dance with me. He was so persistent. I kept giving my girlfriends the no look. They just sat back and gave me satisfied smiles. And he even told me to stop looking at them and to just dance. I was flustered as usual. He was drunk and it’s easy to blame it all on the alcohol. He really wanted to dance with me and I brushed it off. I acted like I had just wanted him to go away.
While I was in Vegas, I was bothered by the fact that all my girlfriends were getting hit on more often than me (you’d think I’d be used to it by now) but it was mostly for their sake. I didn’t want them to think I was their little loser friend that no one wanted. I’m starting to realize that it isn’t the case. My friends see me get hit on enough times and they see me deflect them too. I’m just not the type of girl to get with a guy in a club, or a bar, or anywhere really.
It’s not that I’m not funny or flirty. I can be plenty funny and flirty with my male friends. Just not around people I don’t know.
I thought it was because my standards are too high. Apparently, they’re just as good as any self-respecting girl should have. I’m just defensive. He can’t be good enough or cute enough or charming enough or intelligent enough. And if he is then I’m too fat (or ugly or stupid or uninteresting). And if he is interested, well then… I’m either just fooling myself or there’s something wrong with him.
If the hottest, smartest, funniest guy walked up to me and tried to buy me a drink, I’d make him feel like an idiot. I’m just a freak, I guess. Does this mean I have issues?
I was telling my friend about this (she’s been going out with the same guy since she was 15) and she insisted that I’m normal. She said that if her boyfriend wanted to call it quits, she wouldn’t know how to act around guys. She wouldn’t know how to deal with guys who would approach her.
Yeah okay, that sounds reasonable. If I were to ever date a guy, it would probably have to be someone I was already comfortable with first.
Except here’s my problem…
1) This year, I’ll probably be able to interact in some form or other with about 200 guys while I’m out – maybe out of those guys, half a dozen will be actually interested in me.
2) This year, I’ll probably be able to be truly comfortable around 10 guys maximum in a friend-based setting – if my math is right, about .3% of those 10 will be actually interested in me.
So since my prefered option of meeting a guy (#2) is not going to happen… well, do I really have to force myself to be comfortable around random strangers (#1?). I’ve never had a problem approaching strangers when I’m drunk but I rarely drink and god- it’s always been so awkward in the first place. I don’t want to experiment with yet another night and wake up in the morning wondering wtf was wrong with me last night.
Okay, so where am I going with this? Fine, I’m ready to admit it now because it is actually true.
I want a boyfriend
I’ve started to accept that my stupid asshole sonovabitch highschool crush has a stupid skanky ugly anorexic bitch of a girlfriend.
It’s not revenge. I just feel like I’ve started to accept that it’s not going to work (3 years after graduation, you’d think I’d have figured it out by now). I’m ready to move on with my life. I think. Maybe it’s loneliness? I don’t know what it is.
I just.. I don’t want to want a boyfriend. I’m sick of looking at every guy who spends two minutes talking to me as a “potential”. What the hell, a potential? How desperate is that. I’m not a 67 year old widow.
I just can’t pick out the lesser evil. Wanting a boyfriend and not having a boyfriend? Not wanting a boyfriend and not having a boyfriend?
God, why do boys have to make everything so complicated? And why do I have to keep telling myself it’ll change when I’m thinner. I’m setting myself up for failure right now.
If I never lose the weight, I’m unhappy… if I lose the weight and it doesn’t solve all of life’s problems (which it won’t, obviously), I’m unhappy.
I’m frustrated.
Also because there is another potential who is a good friend and I’m bad at reading signals (or am I?) and he’s seeing someone and I don’t want to ruin it and I don’t even know if he’s actually into me and I keep bombarding him with texts one day then ignoring his texts the next day when I realize how I’m acting and… I’m just a mess basically. If I was him, I’d be confused. If I was him, I don’t know if I’d be into someone like me. Ugh I just don’t know. Okay, that’s it. This is a story for another day.
I wasn’t going to write a blog entry tonight but it’s 4:08 AM and it wanted to come out. I can’t believe I’ve been typing this since 3:07 AM. It does not take this long to type. What is going on in my life?? I need to get it together

The school dilemma… and how my screwed up personality fits into it

Life is short.
That’s what I keep being reminded of these days. It’s gone on ever since I ditched one of my best friends when I realized that my mental picture of her wasn’t what I wanted it to be and I couldn’t keep making excuses for why she is such a bad friend.
Whenever I go through a change like that, I cling to my family. And every few hours or so, I tell myself to be good to them because they’re going to die soon and I’ll never see them again (note: atheistic agnostic here). These moments we share are only going to go on for so long until they expire. Until they expire or until this state we are in expires.
For the past ten years, it has just been my parents, my sister and me living in a house together. With my impending (but not yet confirmed) move to university, this time seems short. I only have sixty days left here. Then I’ll go east for about two months. When I come back, I’ll have to move out because the campus is three hours away. May not seem like much but it would be a six hour commute.
The ultimate decision is between that school and one that is only a half hour away. I could live at home if I chose to go there. The university that is further is a little more prestigious but not by much. And it would cost more… a truckload more.
My mother had told me that the decision is up to me. But now as we come closer to crackdown time, she’s subtly urging me to go with the closer school. She even once told me that she didn’t want me to move away. Truth is, I’m not sure if I want to move away.
Ok, here’s some more honesty… I wanted to go to the further school because they had a Greek life and the closer one didn’t. But after visiting the campus, I realized that I love it anyway. The air of independance and a strong campus life makes it irresistable. Let’s add in your own residence and the fact that the school is absolutely gorgeous… well, it makes a good fresh start for me. And I think it’s what I’ve been looking for.
I’m sick of the status quo. I’m sick of waiting for my friends to realize my worth. I’m sick of feeling like I’m always being judged. I’m sick of searching for some guy to understand what I’m all about. I’m sick of being this tailored, superficial idiot that I turned myself into to make my high school crush like me. I’m sick of trying to fool myself into thinking I’m happy.
I need to be a new me. Someone who I want to be. Someone who listens to Billie Holiday and is cool with it. Someone who can dance without constantly adjusting her clothes. Someone who can introduce herself and not feel like she’s burdening people by telling them her name. Someone isn’t bothered if she isn’t constantly useful or helpful. Someone who likes herself. Someone who believes in herself.
I used to be her and I don’t understand when I stopped being her.
I don’t know if a new scene will help me be her again. After spending twenty grand extra, I might even just stay exactly the same as I am now. Maybe moving away is admitting defeat. What if it’s just because I don’t have the guts to reinvent myself right here. What if I’m totally weak and nothing can help me.
I don’t know, all I know is… I can’t stay like this anymore. I’m fucking killing myself.

The story of Becky

Throughout high school, I had two best friends. Sara and Becky.
We had a sort of pact to treat each other equally. To not pick a very best friend but to consider both when asked to name one. But Sara is a story for later. By graduation, it fell apart and I was left with Becky, the one of the two that I did not feel deep kinship with.
Becky was my best friend. I was her best friend.
But Becky was white. By white, I’m trying to explain more than just the colour of her skin, I’m trying to describe her lifestyle. She was a girl that was inherently western. She brought with her the embodiment of a white girl who was happy to just be white. She would make her customary comments about being jealous that I had “culture” although only half heartedly and we all knew she didn’t mean it. She needed to do it because Sara and I shared a background and it was something that she needed to acknowledge because it was something she was not pleased with at all.
When we stopped being friends with Sara, the frequency of these comments decreased rapidly. She was unwilling to learn anything about my family, to taste our food, to understand the way I lived. It was not much different from her own life but there was a certain way of doing things that Sara and I both grew up with. She was interested while we were a trio but not after. When we were, I was less attached to her because I felt such an affinity with Sara. Becky clung on. She forced herself to relate although she had no interest.
The problem was that we were too alike, Becky and I. We were both competitive because we both viewed myself as the superior and she fought hard to develop a niche for herself. Where I had the natural ability to ace exams, she had to work hard fir it. She gloated everytime she recieved a higher mark and hid her paper when she didn’t. It’s still surprising to me that she never stopped even though I expressed no reaction no matter how high my grade was. I downplayed grades so she didn’t put much emphasis on them. I always felt that as much as she resented me, she was secretly trying to live up to me. I would have long discussions with my teachers and she would stay silent. She did everything right. She just didn’t have much creativity. I think she was held back by her “white” (I don’t know what else to call it) sense of self. That you couldn’t be imaginative if you were a white, heterosexual Canadian.
Another divide was that I lived on the hill and went to the rich junior high school whereas she lived in the valley and her junior high school was average, at best. She always tried to undermine the idea of living on the hill although she went out of the way to use the post office and grocery store located up there. She nearly cried when I got a new car for my eighteenth birthday. For some reason, it didn’t seem to bother her that Sara’s parents were wealthier than mine and that she recieved a SUV for her fifteenth birthday.
I guess the biggest similarity we had was the lack of sexual experience with boys. Unlike Sara, who had a boyfriend since she was fourteen, Becky and I were left boyfriendless. My single status was a response to the massive crush I had on a boy and my weight problems. Becky was physically fit, funny and couldn’t understand why she was alone. She spent most of her time wanting a boyfriend.
I could always talk Becky into anything. Drinking, throwing a party. Anything. Until Sara left us. Then it became a race. Who was more popular? Who did boys like more? Who was more intelligent?
Eventually, a row involving her misunderstanding of… values, I suppose is the word, caused us to collapse. Along with it, so did my social circle.
For the third time, I had to start all over. This time I did it alone.
I’m making her sound like a troubled saint. She’s not. This is somewhat a glorified version of Becky. She has a boyfriend now and isn’t going to school.
I’m not writing about the year after high school, it will take too long.
My point is this… I think I ruined Becky. By being so dismissive towards school. I couldn’t stand the fact that she may become something better; a doctor, a lawyer… I don’t know if I can give myself the credit entirely but I definitely discouraged her from trying it. She was a good student, she could have been anything. But she didn’t because I looked down on it.
What I find funny is that I don’t regret it. If I did ruin that for her, I don’t regret it because I would feel much worse if she was off doing something big. I guess that’s really small of me but I can’t help it.
As good friends we were, we weren’t really. Even though we called ourselves that for five years. As badly as I treated her, she treated me worse somethines but it wasn’t in the way that she treated me that I disliked her so much.
It was her whiteness. I’m not saying this with prejudice. I do sometimes call myself brown but in this sense a purely brown person would be a sterotype. A brown person who is thoroughly embedded in Hinduism or Islam, in the habitual practice about gossiping about everyone, who will cry when they give birth to a daughter, who prizes their way of life and think all British people are going to hell. I know people who are brown like that and they are brown in the way that Becky is white.
Where she is a shell, leaving deep emotions as something to be expressed only when drunk and even then, in an insincere manner. Where parents are the managers of a motel, just a stop on the highway. Where having a partner is more important than your own self worth. Where sex is sex, it is nothing but a passage to mark the line between sexually active and virgin. Where questing the meaning of life was a waste of time and that the fact that god doesn’t exist is a truth to be accepted, not to be talked about. Where the future is something that should always be discussed and planned but nothing should be done to do anything about it.
God, I really do despise her.