Panic at the disco

There was this one time a yearish ago when this guy hit on me. Not like a thehotguy kind of flirtation, this was definitely him hitting on me.
I was sober (as usual) at a club (as usual) laughing at my friends who were drunk and being groped by men (as usual) and this guy approached me (not as usual but it does happen surprisingly frequently) and he was hot (this is the wtf part).
So he asked me if I wanted to dance and I said sure. He pulled me away from them and we started dancing.
And also when I say hot, I don’t mean thehotguy type of model hot, I mean a general kind of hot that any girl would think is hot. Thing is though, he wasn’t really my type- I prefer the Italiany dark talk and handsome guy and this one was- white and bald. But I could feel the muscles in his back. That was sexy.
We were talking, he asked me if I was the DD, I replied with the affirmative. I asked him if he was driving, he said he had DUI so his licence was suspended (what a winner). His breath smelled like stale beer. He was sweet and kind of controlling, the way he was just taking charge of me and I don’t know I guess I like that? But then I bailed.
I excused myself to go “check on my friends” and later on when I saw him coming up to me again, I immediately started rummaging in my purse and looking busy so he left. I later saw him exiting with this other girl who was kind of overweightish (guess he was a chubby chaser?). This has happened a few times since. When someone decent approaches me, I’ll tell them I have to leave or that I have a boyfriend. I used to think of was because I was used to rejecting weirdos that I would reject everyone but that’s not it.
What I find really interesting is how I panic. I reject and then look for them in the crowd. And every time, I pull the same shit.
I used to be so confident and for some reason it’s all gone to hell.
I used to be cool with everyone. Insecure about my weight, sure, but not insecure about myself. I wouldn’t have felt weird conversing with someone. I wonder when that changed.
And I still don’t understand what the hell I’m so afraid of.

Things I need to do today

1. Clean my room
2. Catalogue all my clothes into my iPhone (Yeah, thanks for introducing pocket closet, assholes. Like I need another excuse to needlessly waste my time organizing shit that doesn’t need to be organized)
3. Get a letter of recommendation from my old boss (Hi, I know you hate me because the board liked me better and you’re jealous of my youth but I did help you that time with the toilet paper on shoe incident, will that give me a get out of jail free card?)
4. Buy note flags (My mum picked up some post-it ones for me yesterday. Helloooo, post-its? How can I trust a company renowned for making disposable stickys for people who like to over zealously put reminders all over their walls and never look at them again. Or stick them on my desk i.e. wait… didn’t you get my memo about calling the insurance people before 8 AM on Monday. Ummm no, when did you send the fax? I didn’t, I just put a sticky on your desk but it was probably buried under all the stickys from other people… yes, finally my hate for post-it comes out)
5. Paint my toe nails (pink?)
6. Finish applying to university (the seventh layer of hell that I mentioned before)
7. Study
8. Study
9. Or do something else
10. Watch a movie on Movie Central (I made my dad order it and now I need to make an attempt to actually watch it)
11. Go out (and take a few pictures of me having fun so I can upload them to facebook and prove to my everyone that I do in fact, still have a social life)
12. Go to the club where hotguy is going and make the effort to ignore him all night.
13. Watch this (and sympathize with the psycho… don’t give me that look…)

You’re so vain

Ok that last entry was supposed to be something meaningful… I just didn’t want to confront it.
I’m back to hot guy again. Ughhhhh why does this keep happening?
My best friend had heard about my talk with hotguy (which is his name now) and she wanted to hear about him etc. She couldn’t figure out who he was even though I remember her chin dropping on view a few times when we were at the same party/club. I had to go through the process of linking her with a picture to remind her.
Soooo I told her and I ranted a little, I guess?
She told me that I was cute and that we would make a perfect couple with the love/hate thing going on because we’re both intelligent, he irritates me and he is irritated oby my opinion of him.
And inside I was sort of… pleased?
I don’t know but this bothers me even more. Am I going on about it because I want people to think that we are good for each other? That I am somehow, worthy of him? I’m pretty sure that’s it. I don’t want to lower my standards in terms of looks and my intelligence level is high enough as is so I want to throw out to the universe that other people can put me together with a guy who is supposed to be hot and smart.
I am so annoyed with myself right now. What if I don’t even hate the way he acts? What if I’m just mad because I want some sort of justification for not liking him because he won’t like me?
Why do I need anyone’s approval? I should already accept that he is out of my league and be done with it instead of trying to make myself feel better.
I’ve been through this once before. Convincing myself and everyone else that I was good enough for my high school crush. Now that idea crashed and burned.
Where is my lesson? Instead, that nagging little girl in my head tells me that the premise is there because my good looking friend thinks it’s an okay idea for this guy to like me so I should just lose the weight and seal the deal.
A fate worse than being fat is being shallow… and fat.

New case study out: Hot guys intrigued when being ignored

So one of my friend’s boyfriend’s friend is really hot. Like, really hot. I mean, you could probably stick him in a D&G ad and paste it all over your wall a million times.
Anyway, totally beautiful. Imagine tall, pretty tall. Straight brown hair, blue eyes, full lips and amazing cheekbones. Get the picture?
When I first saw him, I was like aaahh ga-ga? What? Do people like this actually exist in real life? So we have quite a few mutual friends but the first time we officially “met” was at a party. He was dancing with one of my tall, blonde, blue-eyed friends and it was all very innocent. Two gorgeous people having a fun time. I couldn’t stop staring. But all us girls danced with him in a group eventually. I just felt intimidated as hell.
Seriously, every time I saw him (which wasn’t very often), I just stared.
Then I found out he was smart. He was studying sociology or something. He had opinions. He wasn’t an empty shell. But something about this essay he wrote really annoyed me. Basically, he was mocking people who thought he was beautiful. He talked about how young people were so fickle et cetera and how they only cared about appearances.
Okay, that really pissed me off.
Seriously, what the fuck Mr. Hypocrite. If you’re so into not caring about appearances, why do you always go traipsing around beautiful girls whenever we are all out. Is it because you like playing them and seeing how they react to you? That is just as stupid and cruel as them assuming that you’re nothing than a pretty boy.
So recently, I went to my friend’s boyfriend’s birthday party. I was all glammed up. He was obviously there… and I didn’t look at him. Well, I did but not into his eyes. When I walked toward them, I talked and looked at the person with him. It was easy because he is so damn tall.
Anyway, halfway through the evening. I was talking to my friend and her boyfriend and he was sitting at the table. The couple was sidetracked and I finally looked at him.
He told me that I was giving him disapproving looks all night (what??). I told him that I certainly wasn’t. He teased me to stop judging him. I laughed and told him that I wasn’t. Basically, I said that the “look” he thought I gave him was one that I walked around with all the time and that I was actually smiling inside. He shook his head and told me I was a small dog with a short tail (??) or something like that. I asked him if he was calling me a bitch. He said he wasn’t like that, did he look like a guy who would think like that. And then, for the first time since we met each other he asked me my name. I gave it to him and then turned to my friend who had started talking to me.
I later saw him and his other friend sitting at a table with two hot girls. Sweet.
I’m going to admit that I’m glad we actually exchanged words that were more than “Have you seen so and so?” and “Where is the bathroom?” but I have no idea what he was going on about, is he psychic or something? Creepy.
And I’m also going to admit that the little teenager in me was like omg-he-is-talking-to-me-aaaahh. I figured he would eventually. I talked to everyone but him (and this other weird random guy who hangs around him and his friends). But I really hope I wasn’t coming off as judgmental. How do I explain to someone I know so much about them when I really don’t know them at all.
A lot of my other friends have tried to talk to him and failed. So the fact that he approached me is a big deal. And I can’t stop but feel angry at how he just went and sat with these other girls. I don’t know why I’m taking it so personally. I don’t know why it bothers me. It just does, dammit.
And this is my problem with gorgeous guys. Although, I love how flattered I feel when talking to them. No matter how good they look naked. They are little shits. No matter how different they try to convince themselves they are, they are all the same. They think they have substance, but they don’t. Who does really? We’re all people, we’re all the same. I had to obviously ignore him before he talked to me. What does that say to you about a person? He had no interest in someone like me until I didn’t have an interest in him. Go figure, huh?