The one that got (far) away

So I went to visit some family a few weeks ago. Two days before I had to come home, I attended a party at a cousin’s friend place and met the Lawyer. I had seen the Lawyer a few times around town and he seemed to be a popular, handsome guy. In short, he was way out of my league.

Lawyer and I began talking at this party… we talked from around 9 PM to 5 AM (with a few make out sessions involved). I gave him my number and called it a night- figuring that I’d never hear from him again. He called me in a few hours and asked if he could take me out for dinner. I was too busy that night and for the entirety of the next day (my cousins were a little horrified since this guy is known around town for being a great catch). After their encouragement, I asked him to swing by the night before my flight. He was insistent on spending some “alone time” with me which made me believe that what he wanted was a little bit of action. I agreed anyway and, wow, did I get a shock. Buddy was actually into me. He asked me to stay in town longer and kept recalling stories I told him at the night of the party. We joked, laughed a lot and… there was a spark. He teased me a few times, told me he’d come visit me and to add him on Skype. Then he dropped me off at home, leaving me devastated. I wish I never met him because, as he kept saying himself, our meeting was terribly timed.

So here we go, guys: an eligible man who likes me… and lives thousands of miles away.

The whole experience has left me feeling strange because I’ve finally found someone like this. Someone to relate with this quote. You know, someone (who I also like) to think about, someone (who I also like) to text… where this someone actually likes me… as a person, rather than just a vagina.

I keep thinking back to those 20 sober minutes when he dropped by to see me. It was so strange- I felt weird being the object of his attraction. I’m just not used to it- not used to being the girl who likes someone and is liked back- there were even a few times during the conversation where I felt awkward. It felt strange to be making jokes about the attraction between us. Whenever I see a man trying to involve himself with a woman, it’s usually through the stories recalled by my girlfriends or situations seen on TV. My friend, T, gushing about the new guy who bought her flowers… Elena, on Vampire Diaries, being watched over by her desperate lover… the chirpy blonde being asked for coffee by a classmate… to be that girl is very new to me. It was flattering. A little too flattering.

Which brings me to the next problem; I’m infatuated with him. He messages me and keeps in touch… once a day usually… but I feel like I’m way more emotionally invested in this than he is. Maybe he is really interested but I am way too interested. Any sign of the apprehension that I was experiencing when I agreed to meet him for those 20 minutes is gone. My guard went down as soon as he told me that he was sorry he couldn’t hang out with me more and when he asked me to stay. It’s stupid but I knew I was in deep shit when I realized that Lawyer wanted more than just a toss in the hay. I’m vulnerable in the face of people who like my personality. Especially when those people are hot, accomplished and of the male species.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I went to a party last night and Astronomer was there. Everyone had told me he was a try-hard but he never acted that way when he was with me. He acted like a try-hard at the party. I barely talked to him. It was disgusting. Instead, I spent my time hitting on a girl. At the last moment, I realized that I couldn’t follow through. But you know, everyone heard about it. I am a little embarrassed but mostly because I was never really attracted to her- I was just bored. Astronomer was acting weird and the people there were very pretentious. I felt uncomfortable… and foolish. It was a waste of a night.
Six Pack texted me for the first time since we hooked up. Some vague comment about nothing whatsoever. He probably just sent it to validate his existence as a part of my life.
Anyway, I’m here because I thought I’d hit up my last few valentine’s day posts in respect to the occasion
2009 – I booked a hotel room for myself and a friend. Then we called a few guys over. We got super high and drunk, didn’t make out with any of them. Although I remember that I was attracted to one of them- I didn’t feel confident enough to give it a shot and, besides that, I weighed about 195 lbs. These boys were just out of high school. They weren’t into me, to say the least.
2010 – I went to Vegas. Best v-day ever.
2011 – I encouraged you all to celebrate valentine’s day despite your single status. Nothing was really going on for me but I managed to post twice in one day and link a bunch of articles about loving yourself.
The last post was right. I have always loved valentine’s day. For some reason, I haven’t fully embraced it this year (I did mail cards to all my friends though). I don’t know, I guess making out with all these people proved to me that I was attractive… now I feel like I don’t have to try so hard to not care that I’m unattractive. I feel beaten… and bored. I don’t have anyone to crush on right now and I’ve realized that that’s another constant in my life.
I love loving people. I love daydreaming about them and thinking of them and wondering what they’re like and being awed over the way they think and talk and act and breathe. With all the guys I’ve liked, I used to think about them all the time.  I have no one to pine over right now. It bores me and makes me feel lost.
How am I supposed to be experiencing unrequited love if I’m not in love? That’s a foreign concept to me. There are no guys out here that I’m interested in. I was hoping to meet one at the party but Astronomer ruined all of that by showing up.
Anyway, this post is a little useless. I’m just trying to get my thoughts together. I just want someone to walk into my life right now and interest me enough to actually want to get with them. That’s not happening.
P.S. Happy V-Day!

Is it over? Am I finally comfortable with men? Is my virginity next?

First of all, I hooked up with someone else last night. What is happening to me??
Back when I was here two years ago, I was at my highest weight point. I befriended two of my best friend’s male friends and we all became pretty tight. The problem was that one of these boys (I call him Six Pack… it should be obvious why) was an ex-boyfriend of another close friend (who I had stopped talking to). I’ve never been one for leftovers and, as I’ve discussed before, I feel weird feeling that way about my friends’ boyfriends and ex-boyfriends. We were continually flirting back then.
Fast forward to this trip and I’m about 70 lbs lighter. The flirty thing is still going on and last time, after the disaster date, he made me feel better (we cuddled all night). I knew he wanted to kiss me but I was feeling upset about the date so I avoided it. I also know that my best friend hooked up with him in December so that was a turn off.
Last night, I liquored myself up pretty well and basically threw myself at him (he was sober). He’s a known player and I didn’t see any harm in it. He asked me how often I’d thought of us together. I lied by telling him it was twice. Then he told me he wanted to take me to his place- at which point I disclosed that I was a virgin and that I’d only ever made out with a handful of people. He was a little shocked about my sexual inexperience. Later, he asked me if I thought I’d ever let him go further. I told him I might but it would take time (time that I don’t really have). To be truthful, I might have let him go further. I’ve always told myself that if I’d never have a chance to do it with a lover, I’d do it with a friend. My best friend was close by though and she told him that he couldn’t take me home for the v-card reason.
He took it well. He backed off a little… I didn’t really let him. I was literally kissing him whenever someone wasn’t looking. But I ran away from the goodbye kiss for no reason whatsoever. I still think of him as a really good friend. Or, I’m trying to anyway.
The problem is that Six Pack and I don’t really have a future. I can’t take him seriously and he won’t go for me. The actual kissing was the best of the lot. My friend told me that he was an okay kisser. I thought he was great. Maybe it had something to do with all the sexual tension that’s been building up.
So anyway, back to were we started… I am not myself.
Look at me. This is my third makeout session in the past two weeks. I usually go years without experiencing any intimacy whatsoever. I can count the times I’ve touched lips with a guy on my fingers. I’m serious. I listed them for you guys.
This is where I was at a few months ago. Hell, not even in May, this is how I felt last month. I’m the girl who gets no action whatsoever ever. So what’s happening? What has changed?
I don’t know but what I do know at least is that I’m comfortable with kissing. I’ve always cut short kisses with men because I thought I don’t know how to make out. Now I know that I do although I think I may be too rough- both the Astronomer and Six Pack said it. So maybe I need to be more gentle and let the guy take the lead but… I’ll end it with the details there. Point: I don’t feel as nervous about the concept of making out… which is mind blowing to me! If you told me around Christmastime that I could make out with a guy and it would be nothing, I wouldn’t have believed you. I mean really? Could I have defeated the social cue demon? I can only dare to hope.
My worry is that this is happening because I’m in a different country. I’m afraid that this may be the case. I’m afraid that I’ll go home and I’ll be loveless again. I’m afraid that I’m still not attractive enough and that this is just a phase. Because when you look at it, all but one of the times I’ve hooked up with someone, I was on vacation. I really hope it’s more than that. I hope this is a life changer.
What I do know is that I am considering my incel status not applicable anymore… for now, at least.

Frodo Strikes Back!

So most of you might have heard about Frodo (click his name for the nutshell version). Well, he’s back in my life… ish. And it’s just as messed up as before.
My friend was having a house party and I showed up with Doubles. Frodo immediately asks me if we’re dating, I guess he didn’t believe me last time and I told him that we were never going to date. He told me I should date Doubles, I gave him a look and he laughed. I asked him about his girlfriend and he said he didn’t have one, I gave him another look. He didn’t laugh (I guess he’s not seeing her anymore or maybe he’s playing games).
Later on, I see this random girl hitting on Frodo and I recruit Doubles to draw her away so I could talk to him. He did a good job of it. I even told Frodo that I told Doubles to get him away from her… and Frodo thanked me (wtf, could I get clearer?). We were laughing, he was brushing my arm et cetera, we were taking pictures together but when I got up for a second to take pictures of a friend, he left. I was very confused. He had walked over to Doubles and thanked him for taking away that chick. Doubles decides he’s going to be my wingman and starts talking to him about me, apparently Frodo asked him what the deal between Doubles and I was and Doubles confirmed that it wasn’t going to happen. They got distracted and started talking about something else.
I decided Frodo was ruining my night so I avoided him (how much clearer can I be, Frodo?). I was a little drunk and I told Doubles that I was upset. Doubles told me that I was probably giving Frodo mixed signals. I was very confused at that. I told him that Frodo didn’t like me and that this was alright with me, I can’t hate someone for not thinking I’m attractive. Doubles just shrugged and said that was fair… then walked away (I was mad at him too).
So I generally avoided Frodo and he didn’t talk to me for a while but then he started coming back and sticking himself into photos of myself and my friends, asking if I was driving home et cetera. I was very calm after this and called a cab. I say good bye to Frodo, he hugs me… and I leave, still a little depressed because I had gotten over him and now he was involved in my life again.
The next day he commented on one of the terrible pictures of him and me (this is the first time he’s ever said anything directly to me on facebook)… that’s about it.
See, this is what I hate… getting sucked in over and over again. I feel like I’m floating around, always touching land but never quite getting there. I’m determined that I’ll ignore Frodo next time but I know I won’t. There’s this hope inside me that won’t die. It tells me that someone like him could actually like someone like me… if I was anyone else, I’d be feeling really bad for me.
I don’t know. I know it’s not the worst thing in the world but I’m just tired of feeling constantly rejected. When I was overweight, I could attribute it to that but now that’s not an option anymore. I could still say that 140 lbs is too big but that’s still a cop out. Which leads me to the fact that just don’t have what it takes to attract someone like him and no matter what I do, I’m just not enough as a person and it sucks.

—
So to make sure that this post isn’t a total failure, I decided to post some links of new single/unexperienced bloggers who have been lurking around my blog in the past few months or that I’ve found unexpectedly. When my regularly read blogs aren’t being updated, I like reading stuff related to virginity/being single so I’d appreciate it if you’d post some links too.
If you’re new, my sidebar has a list of few links to other blogs (which desperately needs to be updated, I have way more that I subscribe too but I’m weeding some of them out) but they’re good to get you started. I highly recommend visiting Jo and Amanda if you’re single blogging and Queen V and Ecrivain if you’re specifically looking for older virgin related blogs.
Here are the newbies/newly found blogs (:
The Thoughts of a Type A, Over Analyzer
The Dancing Orange
Sick of Being Single
Let’s Just Make It Happen
Bumbling
P.S. I’m back into constant study mode and your blogs make those 5 minute breaks worth it so keep posting! Also, did anyone see this? Apparently, virginity is back in again. Yay, we’re cool!

 

Celebrate Valentine’s Day! It isn’t just for couples

Not just because it’s V-day and you still have your V-card and not because St. Valentinus was probably a virgin (okay, maybe a little because of that)… you should celebrate it because we all have the right to be loved and spread love regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not.
I have always loved valentine’s day (and very little of that has to do with the half-price candy after valentine’s day). I used to dress up in pink and distribute condoms to my sexually active friends… for real. Not because I was worried about STI’s or that I wanted to live vicariously through them. It’s because it was funny and less cliche than a bunch of roses.
I remember there was this one valentine’s day when I dressed up and got to school to find out that my high school crush had slept with this really beautiful girl. I was incredibly depressed. But if I can live through that and still love valentine’s day, I think you can learn to love it too.
So happy valentine’s day, friends! Wear some pink, spread some condoms and remember that just because you’re single doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved.

“So-and-so will have sex with you”

It’s the response I’d usually get when I told people about my “problem”
In real life and on this blog too. I don’t think people realize what the problem here is. The problem is not that my hymen is intact or that I’ve never had physical sex. It’s more about being single, about being never-not-single. The virginity part is real but the bigger part of the problem is that I’m a relationship virgin. Would losing my virginity solve anything?
Absolutely not. I could run over to a dive bar and have sex with a random. The problem is still there.
I don’t think people really understand that. Correct me if I’m wrong but having my cherry popped probably isn’t going to open the floodgates to a rush of love and affection from men. And I’m not making assumptions here. I know it’s not true.
Let’s refer to the American Virgin for this one, Sarah who had sex with a friend of a friend who found meaning in the encounter but it didn’t change her life. Another blogger, Chloe, had a long running blog centering around her virginity and even when she lost it, she felt hopeless about love. Even VS, the is-she-or-is-she-not-a-fake-virgin found that her virginity isn’t a big deal.
The act of deflowering is not a big deal
We’re still stuck with all these ideas about virginity and how it’s supposed to change you. Shouldn’t we know better by now? I mean, most of these people who dismiss my virginity as a problem easily solved have had sex before. They should realize it before anyone.
As an older-than-average virgin, I lie in this vague area. I know about sex but I’m not sexually experienced per se. I’m still looking for love so I can identify with single bloggers. Where I fail to identify with them is in the fact that I haven’t had been in “requited” love. That’s where I can connect with single women who may or may not have had sex but are having a hard time finding men or being in a relationship with them.
My cherry has little else to do with it.

P.S. Fiddled around with my blog layout for the first time in a year. It feels so strange.
P.P.S. There’s a post on College Candy concerning talking about whether you’re sexually active or not that some of you may find interesting. Apparently, in volcanic terms, I’m extinct

Limerence

Limerence is a cognitive and emotional state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship (although it can further intensify the situation). The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the ultimate, near-obsessive form of romantic love. Limerence is sometimes also referred to as infatuation, or is colloquially known as a crush, but in reality it is something much different. In common speech, infatuation includes aspects of immaturity and extrapolation from insufficient information, and is usually short-lived.

- Entry on Limerence; Wikipedia

A few years ago, I stumbled on to this term and I realized that limerence is what I was actually feeling for The Guy. I was seriously infatuated and the symptoms matched perfectly except… it lasted a hell longer than three years.
I like to think I’m over That Guy. My mind goes back to him once in a while but never as regularly as before. He faded into my past and although it was difficult accepting that fact, I’m fine with it. I know that what I felt for him wasn’t real. I was just going a little crazy.
Here’s my problem: I’m getting crazy again… over Frodo. I mean, I’m experiencing the works. Butterflies. Stomach cramps. Light headedness. Nervousness… and I haven’t even seen him since that night! It’s limerence all over again, I can’t believe this is happening to me. I barely know the guy. Gawd, G!
I think it’s mostly because I know he isn’t half as into me as I had hoped (it’s been more than a week and that guy hasn’t dropped a note on my facebook, never mind try to get together at all) and also because I’m learning new things about him- that are taking him further and further away from me (as in, he’s way too good for me). I almost feel as if I’m trying to reenact the situation with That Guy. As if my heart wants to be love sick and unfulfilled forever.

I apologize in advance for this lame entry

Yeah so… I have this guy in mind.
I have a sorta feasible, genuineish, conceivable kindacrush.
I think.
I don’t know… I don’t know. I don’t know. Idon’tknow.
The thing is… he’s a friend
That’s the most amazing and absolutely worst thing about him.
He’s a friend. But I don’t know if he likes me.
Actually, I’m fairly confident he likes me. But I have doubts. Many doubts.
Is this what it’s like? To like someone who likes you back?
To have someone like you and you like him back?
Weird.
We’re part of a group of friends. A group of very platonic friends.
That’s the hard part.
Messing up the group of friends.
Terrible part.
The possibility that we could stop being friends if it ends badly.
That would be an absolute disaster.
Ugh I hate how melodramatic that sounds written out.
Okay so, he’s a friend.
And we always had this super engaging friendly banter.
He’d reference our banter. A lot.
I am being such a girl right now. Ew.
I just want to know for sure, ok?
Anyway, it’s kind of like flirty. Like I tease him and he laughs.
And then he started saying things and calling me.
Then he started not wanting to talk about other girls that he might/used to have a thing with in front of me.
Then he started sending me his favourite music and letting me pick the music even if all my other friends cried at the third rendition of Fly Me to the Moon and complimenting me on my outfits and giving me his coat.
At first, I was a little thrown off. I didn’t really see it coming.
I had the idea that he liked me but he just wasn’t really my type. Not the savvy intellectual.
He’s the hilarious boy-next-door type. The guitar-playing, break-dancing kinda average guy. Like a real guy. Not a type.
So anyway, I think it started then. Especially after I got back from the trip and he said it was lame without me.
But I want to know for sure. If he likes me, I mean. Because he doesn’t make himself available for me all the time, I get anxious. If he’s busy already on a Saturday night when I tell him to come out with us or if he hasn’t texted me first recently (which he hasn’t by the way). I don’t know what it is.
I always told myself not to get in too deep without knowing for sure if the guys actually into me but… what if he’s just being a good friend and he just likes me better than he likes all of our other girl friends?
I feel the need to analyze each of his text messages but I don’t want to tell anyone. I’ve only told two people and they live out of the country.
I don’t know what to do know.
I want to be with him but what if he doesn’t actually like me like that. If he does like me like that, then I can’t not be with him so I’ll have to do what now? So if we start seeing each other, then we just broke our posse ? And if we start seeing each other, what if we don’t work? And plus there are so many religious differences that I’ll eventually have to account for. How can I even focus right now, I’m up to my neck in schoolwork. And why doesn’t he call me? Actually, he’s kind of been withdrawn lately but he waited for me at school today and I kinda ditched him- accidentally. Oh my god, that’s a revelation. He was waiting for me. And I ditched him. I strung him along for two hours while I was in class and then left to go see friends and then he told me to meet him and I had to go to class so he said he was heading home. Ahhh. I’m such an asshole. Sometimes I’m afraid that I take my teasing too far and I sound bitchy. He doesn’t like that I smoke. That’s too specific. This paragraph is all over the place and it’s driving my OCD crazy but I need to get it out.
What is wrong with me?
I’m so confused.
But kind of happy.
Why is this entry so long? I am such a dork.
This post should probably be on private.

This whole like yup-I’m-a-virgin-thing

…has been really getting to me recently.
I’m 21. Isn’t it about time that I go and be sexually active- oh right, I’m against having sex without there being any long-term love/commitment thing going on. Well, how about hooking up? Or hell, even dancing.
I was at a bar this weekend and this reasonably cute guy was trying to dance with me. He was so persistent. I kept giving my girlfriends the no look. They just sat back and gave me satisfied smiles. And he even told me to stop looking at them and to just dance. I was flustered as usual. He was drunk and it’s easy to blame it all on the alcohol. He really wanted to dance with me and I brushed it off. I acted like I had just wanted him to go away.
While I was in Vegas, I was bothered by the fact that all my girlfriends were getting hit on more often than me (you’d think I’d be used to it by now) but it was mostly for their sake. I didn’t want them to think I was their little loser friend that no one wanted. I’m starting to realize that it isn’t the case. My friends see me get hit on enough times and they see me deflect them too. I’m just not the type of girl to get with a guy in a club, or a bar, or anywhere really.
It’s not that I’m not funny or flirty. I can be plenty funny and flirty with my male friends. Just not around people I don’t know.
I thought it was because my standards are too high. Apparently, they’re just as good as any self-respecting girl should have. I’m just defensive. He can’t be good enough or cute enough or charming enough or intelligent enough. And if he is then I’m too fat (or ugly or stupid or uninteresting). And if he is interested, well then… I’m either just fooling myself or there’s something wrong with him.
If the hottest, smartest, funniest guy walked up to me and tried to buy me a drink, I’d make him feel like an idiot. I’m just a freak, I guess. Does this mean I have issues?
I was telling my friend about this (she’s been going out with the same guy since she was 15) and she insisted that I’m normal. She said that if her boyfriend wanted to call it quits, she wouldn’t know how to act around guys. She wouldn’t know how to deal with guys who would approach her.
Yeah okay, that sounds reasonable. If I were to ever date a guy, it would probably have to be someone I was already comfortable with first.
Except here’s my problem…
1) This year, I’ll probably be able to interact in some form or other with about 200 guys while I’m out – maybe out of those guys, half a dozen will be actually interested in me.
2) This year, I’ll probably be able to be truly comfortable around 10 guys maximum in a friend-based setting – if my math is right, about .3% of those 10 will be actually interested in me.
So since my prefered option of meeting a guy (#2) is not going to happen… well, do I really have to force myself to be comfortable around random strangers (#1?). I’ve never had a problem approaching strangers when I’m drunk but I rarely drink and god- it’s always been so awkward in the first place. I don’t want to experiment with yet another night and wake up in the morning wondering wtf was wrong with me last night.
Okay, so where am I going with this? Fine, I’m ready to admit it now because it is actually true.
I want a boyfriend
I’ve started to accept that my stupid asshole sonovabitch highschool crush has a stupid skanky ugly anorexic bitch of a girlfriend.
It’s not revenge. I just feel like I’ve started to accept that it’s not going to work (3 years after graduation, you’d think I’d have figured it out by now). I’m ready to move on with my life. I think. Maybe it’s loneliness? I don’t know what it is.
I just.. I don’t want to want a boyfriend. I’m sick of looking at every guy who spends two minutes talking to me as a “potential”. What the hell, a potential? How desperate is that. I’m not a 67 year old widow.
I just can’t pick out the lesser evil. Wanting a boyfriend and not having a boyfriend? Not wanting a boyfriend and not having a boyfriend?
God, why do boys have to make everything so complicated? And why do I have to keep telling myself it’ll change when I’m thinner. I’m setting myself up for failure right now.
If I never lose the weight, I’m unhappy… if I lose the weight and it doesn’t solve all of life’s problems (which it won’t, obviously), I’m unhappy.
I’m frustrated.
Also because there is another potential who is a good friend and I’m bad at reading signals (or am I?) and he’s seeing someone and I don’t want to ruin it and I don’t even know if he’s actually into me and I keep bombarding him with texts one day then ignoring his texts the next day when I realize how I’m acting and… I’m just a mess basically. If I was him, I’d be confused. If I was him, I don’t know if I’d be into someone like me. Ugh I just don’t know. Okay, that’s it. This is a story for another day.
I wasn’t going to write a blog entry tonight but it’s 4:08 AM and it wanted to come out. I can’t believe I’ve been typing this since 3:07 AM. It does not take this long to type. What is going on in my life?? I need to get it together

The most fun I’ve had in a while

http://www.menarebetterthanwomen.com

Are you a troll if your posts are twice as intelligent as any of the regular posters?