First of all, I hooked up with someone else last night. What is happening to me??
Back when I was here two years ago, I was at my highest weight point. I befriended two of my best friend’s male friends and we all became pretty tight. The problem was that one of these boys (I call him Six Pack… it should be obvious why) was an ex-boyfriend of another close friend (who I had stopped talking to). I’ve never been one for leftovers and, as I’ve discussed before, I feel weird feeling that way about my friends’ boyfriends and ex-boyfriends. We were continually flirting back then.
Fast forward to this trip and I’m about 70 lbs lighter. The flirty thing is still going on and last time, after the disaster date, he made me feel better (we cuddled all night). I knew he wanted to kiss me but I was feeling upset about the date so I avoided it. I also know that my best friend hooked up with him in December so that was a turn off.
Last night, I liquored myself up pretty well and basically threw myself at him (he was sober). He’s a known player and I didn’t see any harm in it. He asked me how often I’d thought of us together. I lied by telling him it was twice. Then he told me he wanted to take me to his place- at which point I disclosed that I was a virgin and that I’d only ever made out with a handful of people. He was a little shocked about my sexual inexperience. Later, he asked me if I thought I’d ever let him go further. I told him I might but it would take time (time that I don’t really have). To be truthful, I might have let him go further. I’ve always told myself that if I’d never have a chance to do it with a lover, I’d do it with a friend. My best friend was close by though and she told him that he couldn’t take me home for the v-card reason.
He took it well. He backed off a little… I didn’t really let him. I was literally kissing him whenever someone wasn’t looking. But I ran away from the goodbye kiss for no reason whatsoever. I still think of him as a really good friend. Or, I’m trying to anyway.
The problem is that Six Pack and I don’t really have a future. I can’t take him seriously and he won’t go for me. The actual kissing was the best of the lot. My friend told me that he was an okay kisser. I thought he was great. Maybe it had something to do with all the sexual tension that’s been building up.
So anyway, back to were we started… I am not myself.
Look at me. This is my third makeout session in the past two weeks. I usually go years without experiencing any intimacy whatsoever. I can count the times I’ve touched lips with a guy on my fingers. I’m serious. I listed them for you guys.
This is where I was at a few months ago. Hell, not even in May, this is how I felt last month. I’m the girl who gets no action whatsoever ever. So what’s happening? What has changed?
I don’t know but what I do know at least is that I’m comfortable with kissing. I’ve always cut short kisses with men because I thought I don’t know how to make out. Now I know that I do although I think I may be too rough- both the Astronomer and Six Pack said it. So maybe I need to be more gentle and let the guy take the lead but… I’ll end it with the details there. Point: I don’t feel as nervous about the concept of making out… which is mind blowing to me! If you told me around Christmastime that I could make out with a guy and it would be nothing, I wouldn’t have believed you. I mean really? Could I have defeated the social cue demon? I can only dare to hope.
My worry is that this is happening because I’m in a different country. I’m afraid that this may be the case. I’m afraid that I’ll go home and I’ll be loveless again. I’m afraid that I’m still not attractive enough and that this is just a phase. Because when you look at it, all but one of the times I’ve hooked up with someone, I was on vacation. I really hope it’s more than that. I hope this is a life changer.
What I do know is that I am considering my incel status not applicable anymore… for now, at least.
