The one that got (far) away

So I went to visit some family a few weeks ago. Two days before I had to come home, I attended a party at a cousin’s friend place and met the Lawyer. I had seen the Lawyer a few times around town and he seemed to be a popular, handsome guy. In short, he was way out of my league.

Lawyer and I began talking at this party… we talked from around 9 PM to 5 AM (with a few make out sessions involved). I gave him my number and called it a night- figuring that I’d never hear from him again. He called me in a few hours and asked if he could take me out for dinner. I was too busy that night and for the entirety of the next day (my cousins were a little horrified since this guy is known around town for being a great catch). After their encouragement, I asked him to swing by the night before my flight. He was insistent on spending some “alone time” with me which made me believe that what he wanted was a little bit of action. I agreed anyway and, wow, did I get a shock. Buddy was actually into me. He asked me to stay in town longer and kept recalling stories I told him at the night of the party. We joked, laughed a lot and… there was a spark. He teased me a few times, told me he’d come visit me and to add him on Skype. Then he dropped me off at home, leaving me devastated. I wish I never met him because, as he kept saying himself, our meeting was terribly timed.

So here we go, guys: an eligible man who likes me… and lives thousands of miles away.

The whole experience has left me feeling strange because I’ve finally found someone like this. Someone to relate with this quote. You know, someone (who I also like) to think about, someone (who I also like) to text… where this someone actually likes me… as a person, rather than just a vagina.

I keep thinking back to those 20 sober minutes when he dropped by to see me. It was so strange- I felt weird being the object of his attraction. I’m just not used to it- not used to being the girl who likes someone and is liked back- there were even a few times during the conversation where I felt awkward. It felt strange to be making jokes about the attraction between us. Whenever I see a man trying to involve himself with a woman, it’s usually through the stories recalled by my girlfriends or situations seen on TV. My friend, T, gushing about the new guy who bought her flowers… Elena, on Vampire Diaries, being watched over by her desperate lover… the chirpy blonde being asked for coffee by a classmate… to be that girl is very new to me. It was flattering. A little too flattering.

Which brings me to the next problem; I’m infatuated with him. He messages me and keeps in touch… once a day usually… but I feel like I’m way more emotionally invested in this than he is. Maybe he is really interested but I am way too interested. Any sign of the apprehension that I was experiencing when I agreed to meet him for those 20 minutes is gone. My guard went down as soon as he told me that he was sorry he couldn’t hang out with me more and when he asked me to stay. It’s stupid but I knew I was in deep shit when I realized that Lawyer wanted more than just a toss in the hay. I’m vulnerable in the face of people who like my personality. Especially when those people are hot, accomplished and of the male species.

Is it over? Am I finally comfortable with men? Is my virginity next?

First of all, I hooked up with someone else last night. What is happening to me??
Back when I was here two years ago, I was at my highest weight point. I befriended two of my best friend’s male friends and we all became pretty tight. The problem was that one of these boys (I call him Six Pack… it should be obvious why) was an ex-boyfriend of another close friend (who I had stopped talking to). I’ve never been one for leftovers and, as I’ve discussed before, I feel weird feeling that way about my friends’ boyfriends and ex-boyfriends. We were continually flirting back then.
Fast forward to this trip and I’m about 70 lbs lighter. The flirty thing is still going on and last time, after the disaster date, he made me feel better (we cuddled all night). I knew he wanted to kiss me but I was feeling upset about the date so I avoided it. I also know that my best friend hooked up with him in December so that was a turn off.
Last night, I liquored myself up pretty well and basically threw myself at him (he was sober). He’s a known player and I didn’t see any harm in it. He asked me how often I’d thought of us together. I lied by telling him it was twice. Then he told me he wanted to take me to his place- at which point I disclosed that I was a virgin and that I’d only ever made out with a handful of people. He was a little shocked about my sexual inexperience. Later, he asked me if I thought I’d ever let him go further. I told him I might but it would take time (time that I don’t really have). To be truthful, I might have let him go further. I’ve always told myself that if I’d never have a chance to do it with a lover, I’d do it with a friend. My best friend was close by though and she told him that he couldn’t take me home for the v-card reason.
He took it well. He backed off a little… I didn’t really let him. I was literally kissing him whenever someone wasn’t looking. But I ran away from the goodbye kiss for no reason whatsoever. I still think of him as a really good friend. Or, I’m trying to anyway.
The problem is that Six Pack and I don’t really have a future. I can’t take him seriously and he won’t go for me. The actual kissing was the best of the lot. My friend told me that he was an okay kisser. I thought he was great. Maybe it had something to do with all the sexual tension that’s been building up.
So anyway, back to were we started… I am not myself.
Look at me. This is my third makeout session in the past two weeks. I usually go years without experiencing any intimacy whatsoever. I can count the times I’ve touched lips with a guy on my fingers. I’m serious. I listed them for you guys.
This is where I was at a few months ago. Hell, not even in May, this is how I felt last month. I’m the girl who gets no action whatsoever ever. So what’s happening? What has changed?
I don’t know but what I do know at least is that I’m comfortable with kissing. I’ve always cut short kisses with men because I thought I don’t know how to make out. Now I know that I do although I think I may be too rough- both the Astronomer and Six Pack said it. So maybe I need to be more gentle and let the guy take the lead but… I’ll end it with the details there. Point: I don’t feel as nervous about the concept of making out… which is mind blowing to me! If you told me around Christmastime that I could make out with a guy and it would be nothing, I wouldn’t have believed you. I mean really? Could I have defeated the social cue demon? I can only dare to hope.
My worry is that this is happening because I’m in a different country. I’m afraid that this may be the case. I’m afraid that I’ll go home and I’ll be loveless again. I’m afraid that I’m still not attractive enough and that this is just a phase. Because when you look at it, all but one of the times I’ve hooked up with someone, I was on vacation. I really hope it’s more than that. I hope this is a life changer.
What I do know is that I am considering my incel status not applicable anymore… for now, at least.

Why I haven’t posted any posts or been creeping on your blogs

1. My internet connection is a mother fucking son of a bitch
2. My vacation (maybe just for the weekend but I wanted to make you jealous)
3. School
4. School
5. My internet connection
6. I’m trying to get used to my new body (i.e. shopping)
7. Trying to deal with my drug addicted friend
8. Trying to figure out who I am (I know that’s a cop out)
9. Making friends with my sister who I made up with (again)
10. My job
11. School
12. My internet connection
Anyway, today’s goal is to get caught up.
P.S. I have a new appreciation for twitter since it’s basically little snapshots of your lives so I don’t fall too behind. So, if you have it, follow me or post your user here or something.
P.P.S. So I definitely had to restart this browser 3 times in order to try to post this. FUCK. I am so P.O’d. FUCK MY LIFE.

Looks like Vegas again

With the second set of girls… since I left them behind last summer (not my fault they weren’t 21 in time). The little one just turned US-legal so we decided to be sinful for a weekend (like it doesn’t happen every other weekend).
Booked and ready to go. Just need to get through exams first…

:)

Well, I’ve tried posting this through my iPhone about five times already. If this doesn’t work then I guess I’ll celebrate my new laptop which will be (hopefully) arriving before the new year with a WordPress post.
It’s been about a week since I returned and all I can really say is… wow. As my trip was concluding, I was getting increasingly depressed about leaving but at the same time deliriously happy to get back where I belong. I started missing everyone terribly (and by everyone, I mainly mean the Sephora sales associates at the mall).
That holiday was just the thing I needed. Going back to my roots really gave me that affirmation that I had been looking for. I haven’t felt this much of a confidence boost since right after high school when I went through a heavy I-love-myself phase.
I can’t even begin to elaborate why. I guess the first reason would be the assurance that everyone missed me like crazy. The constant facebook posts and text messages throughout the past three months were borderline creepy. When I returned, I was met with a lot of disbelief and excitement. It felt good.
Secondly, my parents were also relieved to have me back after so long. I’m not sure if I mentioned this but a few months ago, a sibling and I had a confrontation and hadn’t spoken to each other in a while. A few weeks back, we fixed it all up via skype and so I had another set of open arms to greet me.
I also got in touch with a very close friend who I lost a few years back. Becoming friends again just felt like coming home all over again and with this rekindled relationship, let’s just say a whole bunch of other doors have opened up.
I’ve figured out my school life and am totally ready to go. I figure I have enough motivation in me to last me until May.
As far as the romantic side goes, I’m still a virgin (thank god) but I’ve had my share of fun (albeit drunk) hook ups. I’ve realized that there’s always an out if I ever need it (read: arranged marriage). But other than that, I spent most of my holiday just taking a break and having a ridiculously amazing time.
Physically, I feel way better (probably thanks to the fifteen pounds I lost while I was back). What’s more amazing is that I never realized how good I would feel even when I came home.
Being away is best this that happened to me and I’m so grateful that I found my way over there. I am in such a great place right now and even the setbacks on the horizon aren’t making me upset. I feel more capable, more attractive, more outgoing…just like a better person in general.
I have no idea where life is leading me. There is no boyfriend or cemented career visible in the near future but that’s okay with me. I’m okay with just being happy for now.
With that note, I hope you all had a merry Christmas and that your new year will be filled with a lot of shiny, sparkly newness.