Seeking: thyroid problem, slow metabolism, poor genes, basically any excuse

Today, I took pictures of myself naked just to see what I look like.
Quite obviously, I’m a far cry from the skinny model-types you see today.
The problem with me is that I’m always in this constant self-image battle. Sometimes I tell myself I am hideous, sometimes I convince myself that I’m not so hideous and then of course, there’s my perception of other people’s perceptions of me.
The belly and backfat I saw didn’t help this issue but I sat around analyzing the pictures and telling myself it isn’t so bad.
But it is, isn’t it?
The thing is I make excuses for myself because I stop myself from going to extremes. I have resorted to purging and crash dieting before, that’s a whole other story. But because admitting to myself that I need to lose weight gets tiring sometimes. Sometimes I need to just be okay with myself.
That sucks because it leaves me unmotivated.
It’s pretty much a no-win situation here.
I either feel fake good about myself and don’t try to diet which leaves me with low self esteem
Or
I tell myself I suck and need to lose a ton if weight which leaves me with low self esteem.
The only way I win is if I ever lose weight and honestly, I’m not a fat acceptance supporter. I know the health issues that come with being fat. My dad is diabetic. I don’t want to go that lane. I will never be okay with being overweight.
Ugh I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate this whole weepy victimized state that I put myself in. I’ll blame self control and will power but it’s not anyone else pulling the strings, it’s me. I am responsible for my own actions.

I could be your girl

Sometimes when I get the trace of interest from a guy, I run off with fantasies about him. I don’t even know if it’s interest or he’s just being friendly.
I fantasize about him texting me, being his girlfriend, talking to him. When I watch tv, I imagine him sitting on the couch next to me. When I’m in bed, I imagine resting my head on his shoulder. I don’t know if that is normal or not when i’m driving, I imagine meeting him at a party and dancing to the music. This guy is literally interchangable. It isn’t always Him, it could be anyone.
Fuck… It’s frustrating. It’s frustrating because it’s not their fault, it’s mine. I’m the weak link.
I’ve been reading up about will power. I thought exercising my self control would help me lose weight but I need it in every part if my life.
Maybe even my fantasies? My day dreams? My false hopes?
Should I stop?

Mirror mirror on the wall

This depression is getting ridiculous.
It all brings me back to the fact that He had once humiliated me and how I am ever going to make him take it back. How do I do it? My fucked up logic tells me to lose weight.
In my head, if I’m skinny, I’ll have everything.
I’ll have him.
If not that…
I’ll be able to find an equally hot, rich, sweet guy.
I’ll be able to work at a high end resteraunt and make a ton of tips.
I’ll have attention from a lit of guys.
I’ll have the satisfaction of being equal to my beautiful friends and sister and more beautiful than my old friends and cousins.
I’ll have everything I want if I lose weight.
But I can’t, because I’m weak. I eat too much and I can’t stop myself.
When I overcome my weakness, I’ll be able to get skinny. But then my new inner strength will get me confidence, a man, a good job. I don’t really need to lose weight. Well, I do. But something I need more than that.
If I had will power, I could have anything I wanted. I could have the world.