This is what a virgin looks like

You don’t look like a virgin- is the response I recently received from a male friend who I confided in. It echoed the sentiments of some coworkers a few years ago who claimed that I didn’t “seem like a virgin”. Well, I’m sorry to break it to ya but…
It’s funny how quickly ideas change. Once we get into college, people stop being virgins… but if you’re still a virgin, you’re subject to scrutiny. And this is what I wanted to talk about.
I’m finding that the men of yesterday had a completely different view of what a female virgin looked like compared to their modern counterparts- and surprisingly, their former kind of had it right.
Virgins back in the day: Virginity was the status quo and that’s why there wasn’t really a perfect picture of what a virgin looked like. All women were supposed to be virgins so the modest, chaste representations associated with virginity were modeled by virgins and non-virgins alike.
Virgins today: Modern men have a few extremely different conceptions of what a virgin is. They’re mostly all based on popular culture and widespread assumptions about female sexuality and relationships.

The Bible Thumping Virgin
When I’m asked why I’m a virgin- people often assume that it’s because of my religious beliefs (maybe because I’m brown). This is partially true- my heritage has strongly influenced my relations with men but it doesn’t really effect my decision to date anyone.
Girls in this class are off limits to the average guy. He figures that she’s saving it for marriage and that he doesn’t have a chance at all.

The Feminist Virgin
He doesn’t think he has a chance with this one either. After all, she hates men. That’s why she doesn’t want to give it up to one, right? (she’s probably a lesbian anyway)

The Ugly/Fat Virgin
Of course he wouldn’t want this one… and it explains why no one else would want her either. This is the one who “looks like a virgin”.

The Socially Inept Geekvirgin
Well, she’s a hermit and she never leaves so she obviously can’t find any men to have sex with. He figures she’s probably doable if she gets a little drunk and since female geeks are obviously petite (not much time to eat food when they’re busy programming computers), they could be a good lay (albeit inexperienced).

The Hot Virgin
Welcome to the virgin they have all been waiting for. Beautiful, pure, adoring, doe-eyed and ready to give it up to a worthy male. Guys love fantasizing about this sort of virgin (since she’d immediately recognize them as a worthy male). She’s gorgeous, STD-free and willing to follow directions like a puppy. Isn’t that what every guy dreams of?

The virgin reality check: So to all those wondering about what a virgin looks like, guess what? None of the above.
Virgins look like any other girl (blonde, brunette, pretty, ugly, chubby, skinny), act like any other girl (flirty, shy, outgoing, brave, adventurous, prudish) , are interested in different things (hiking, reading, clubbing, anime, drinking) and haven’t lost it yet for different reasons (wrong guys, too concentrated on school/work/dance, have body image problems, never got that far).
We all have different levels of sexual experiences and different ideas about what our virginity means to us. You can’t tell whether I’m a virgin or not by looking at your face just like I can’t tell your penis size by measuring the gap between your forefinger and thumb. So can we stop with all the stereotyping?

14 responses to “This is what a virgin looks like

  1. love…this! I’ve gotten that sort of reaction too when I once in a blue moon tell someone I’m a virgin. I think the bellydancing throws people off :-P

  2. loved this post because it’s so true that people like to stereotype virgins, especially in college (it’s like we’re a different species)! Most of my guy friends who know me well aren’t surprised when they find out I’m a virgin because I’ve always been the good girl next door/the innocent one. And the guys that don’t know me well at all are always surprised because I’m “pretty”.

    I’m having a dilemma right now because I’ve been seeing this guy (a surfer who just moved from New Zealand) for the past 2 weeks and I’m kinda getting anxious because our 3rd date is coming up this Wed. He’s taking me to a restaurant that’s “a block away from his place” (a point that he’s mentioned a couple times now) and I have a feeling he’ll be wanting more than just a good night kiss this time. The thing is, I do want to go over to his house if it means we’ll be having just a nice cuddle/make out session but I know he might be wanting more. So I guess my dilemma is whether I should tell him that I’m a virgin at some point on the 3rd date or just tell him I want to take things slow?

  3. you mean you can’t tell a guy’s penis size by measuring the gap between his forefinger and thumb?? now i feel cheated… kidding… :) but yes i totally agree with what you’ve said.

    S212: sorry to jump in like that but here’s my 2 cents. i don’t think you should tell him yet that you’re a virgin. if he does invite you over to his place after the 3rd date (and assuming that you still wouldn’t mind heading up to cuddle/make out) then i think you could agree to go but state that you’re not ready to move things that fast or something like that.

  4. Love this post, and agree. I have a few friends that are in their mid to late 20s and are virgins. They don’t fit into any stereotyped mold. They’re just girls who, for varying reasons, have not had sex. Some of them are religious, but some of them have just had shitty luck!

    S212, I’ve got to agree with Jo on this one. Go to his place if you’d like, but don’t offer up all of the info yet. Let this guy have a real chance to know you before putting it all on the table. If he really likes you, he won’t mind waiting. And then, when you’re ready you can tell him. Or not. Up to you.

  5. s212, I agree with what everyone else said. After mulling over countless of what-if scenarios in my mind, I came to the conclusion that divulging all my baggage so quickly probably wouldn’t be the right way to go. It’s better to form an emotional connection first.
    P.S. This is a funny coincidence because a few posts ago, I was talking about men and how “If you tell a guy you’re a virgin within the first three dates, he won’t want to have much else to do with you…” and you commented on it too :)

  6. thanks girls for your replies! I will definitely be following this advice. To tell you the truth, I’ve had a chance to think about it a lot and I came to the realization that I don’t think I could see him as being my first in the first place. I think it’s because I’m not really into him enough. So I’m going to decide tonight on our third date if I want to stop seeing him :s

  7. that sort of thing pisses me off…i mean why do guys have to look at stuff that way?? not all do…trust me…but anyway…i say, don’t tell him, and things will happen the way you want it to…it he wants to, and you dont….then tell him you dont want to….if he doesnt understand, tell him see ya later!

  8. Dude, I don’t know if we can just poke sticks at men for it. They aren’t completely blameless but I think the majority of the flak should be given to the media.

  9. I guess, it still makes me mad…I guess it’s the preconceived notions that virgins look like this, and gay people like that, and etc….
    Not a fan of labels….

  10. ahah so true! so funny!

    its funny u mention culture, b/c i think cultural mindsets also affect why ppl wud wanna stay being virgins. (im a 20 smthg brown virgin myself, havnt found the one and dont date much lol where have u been all my life???? lol)

  11. Thanks for dropping by, Dancing Oranges. I’m really interested in other brown-virgin experiences so thanks for linking your blog (:

  12. Great article. You’re absolutely right about all the dumb stereotypes and misconceptions people have about Virgin women. It’s true that the media has a lot to do with it. Whenever I’ve told someone I’m a Virgin they expect me to be a certain way, and when I don’t fit their stereotypical idea I’m accused of not being a virgin at all. It really makes me sick.

  13. i accidently dropped the: i am still a virgin, age 27years, at work the other day (one girl remarked on my ever-so-small stomach and i wipped myself)
    Anykays, brilliant article, i read one before this one and i was completely shocked and angry about it saying virgins are way ugly. I am super hot etc and have done the motions before having sex, i just havent got to do iT. Plus ive been through shit in my life, and sorted that out first (im doing so well now, praise God) ANykays, im on the pill for a month now….waiting for the right one

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